ALL THE BROKEN PIECES

Finding Forever, Book 5

Rebecca Raine

Title: All the Broken Pieces

Copyright © 2018 Rebecca Raine

All rights reserved.

http://www.rebeccaraine.com

ISBN: 978-0-6483211-0-1

No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without written permission from the author.

Cover Art by Bec Rivers

CONTENTS

ABOUT ALL THE BROKEN PIECES

INVICTUS

CHAPTER 1

CHAPTER 2

CHAPTER 3

CHAPTER 4

CHAPTER 5

CHAPTER 6

CHAPTER 7

CHAPTER 8

CHAPTER 9

CHAPTER 10

CHAPTER 11

CHAPTER 12

CHAPTER 13

CHAPTER 14

CHAPTER 15

CHAPTER 16

CHAPTER 17

CHAPTER 18

CHAPTER 19

CHAPTER 20

CHAPTER 21

CHAPTER 22

CHAPTER 23

CHAPTER 24

CHAPTER 25

CHAPTER 26

CHAPTER 27

CHAPTER 28

CHAPTER 29

CHAPTER 30

CHAPTER 31

CHAPTER 32

CHAPTER 33

DEAR READER,

LET’S KEEP IN TOUCH!

ABOUT FINDING GREY (RETURN TO YOU, BOOK 1)

ALSO BY REBECCA RAINE

ABOUT REBECCA RAINE

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

This book is dedicated to all the same-sex couples who are now legally able to marry in Australia.

Love wins!

ABOUT ALL THE BROKEN PIECES

Sometimes letting your heart set the rules is a good way to lose your mind.

Jeremy Hayden knows what it’s like to be lost in someone else’s pain. After years of trying and failing to save the man he loved, Jeremy’s determined to learn how to put his own needs first. That means staying away from people who are damaged. From now on, the only person Jeremy wants to save is himself.

Harrison Winters is the kind of damaged that cracks all the way to the bone. Forged by a childhood of violence and betrayal, he lives every day on the edge of darkness. Discipline and a strict set of rules keep his mind stable and his life on track. He doesn’t need anyone to save him, no matter how broken he is.

When Harrison falls for the sunshine of Jeremy’s smile, he sees his chance for a brighter future - only to discover he is everything Jeremy has vowed to avoid. Revealing the truth about his past would bring an end to their newfound happiness. To stay silent means breaking the rules that keep his mind free from the darkness.

With his heart on the line and his sanity under threat, Harrison knows one wrong move will break him. If that happens, there may not be anything left to save.

INVICTUS

Out of the night that covers me,

Black as the Pit from pole to pole,

I thank whatever gods may be

For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance

I have not winced nor cried aloud.

Under the bludgeonings of chance

My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears

Looms but the Horror of the shade,

And yet the menace of the years

Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,

How charged with punishments the scroll,

I am the master of my fate:

I am the captain of my soul.

William Ernest Henley

CHAPTER 1

Rule number one in security: keep your eyes on the merchandise. Harrison Winters was breaking that rule all over the place.

He didn’t know what it was about the stall owner that had him ignoring his job so thoroughly. Maybe it was the way he moved. Lithe and quick, he seemed to have boundless energy, as if the crowds and noise of the Comic-Con fed into his vitality instead of sapping it. His smile was fast to appear and long to linger, and when he laughed his whole chest shook with the force of it.

Running his gaze along the man’s form, Harrison wondered what he looked like naked. Well-formed muscles were clearly defined by a fitted black t-shirt. A flat stomach led to narrow hips and an arse that begged to be grabbed. Even the simple, black suspenders that held up his pants had Harrison longing for a sharp pair of scissors.

The extended visual journey ended with a return to the man’s face, and the black eyeliner that had been applied with a heavy hand. That’s when green eyes clashed with brown and Harrison froze. He was so busted. The man held his gaze for a moment—a long, drawn out, provocative moment. Harrison watched the rise and fall of the man’s chest increase in deepening breaths and his shoulders pull back. Those full lips pressed together in a thin line and long fingers raked back the brown hair that had fallen into his eyes.

Harrison couldn’t help himself. He winked.

The green eyes widened in surprise, then the man turned on his heel and walked the other way.

With a heavy sigh, Harrison cursed his faltering discipline. He shouldn’t have winked. If the stall owner complained to management about the flirtatious nature of the security guards, his boss would have his hide. The guy probably wasn’t even gay. Eyeliner might be an indicator out on the street, but in the middle of a Comic Convention, where cosplay ruled and make-up was just another prop, it meant nothing.

Drawing once more upon the discipline that formed the foundation of his life, Harrison forced his attention back to the task at hand. He’d lapsed, it was true, but there was no point in dwelling on the fact. The best thing he could do was put it behind him and get on with his job.

That proved harder than expected over the next half hour. Now he’d been noticed, the sexy as sin stall owner’s gaze came back to him on a regular basis. But never for more than a fleeting moment, and never accompanied by his trademark smile. Harrison rode the hard edge between keen arousal and a fierce regret that his presence made the man so uncomfortable. It wasn’t long before the awkwardness of the situation began inching toward torture.

Thankfully, Harrison wouldn’t be out on the main floor much longer. He was only there because one of the other guards had been delayed getting to the venue due to an accident on the freeway. Normally, he spent his time coordinating the security on a higher level, not providing first-level protection for t-shirts and novelty mugs.

Harrison checked his watch. A few more minutes and Sean should be there to relieve him. Then he could get back to work that kept his head busy and his nether regions out of trouble.

“Got somewhere better to be?”

Lowering his wrist back to his side, Harrison saw the object of his fascination standing beside him with crossed arms and an irate frown. His gaze returned once more to the liner framing those crystal, clear eyes. He wanted to watch it run in dark rivers down the man’s face as he cried in frustrated ecstasy. Harrison bit down on the inside of his cheek to keep from somehow betraying the lust that coursed through his body. “No, sir.”

“Good, because this is only my livelihood you’re supposed to be watching. I’d appreciate it if you kept your eyes where they belong.”

Harrison’s jaw clenched and his teeth ground together. So, he got caught checking the man out, that was no reason for him to be a jerk about it. Looking down at the name tag pinned to the man’s t-shirt, he saw that Jeremy was Happy to Help! Sadly, Harrison suspected the offer didn’t extend to helping him out with the partial boner he had in his pants. He cleared his throat, dragging his mind from the gutter it had scrambled into. “Consider it done.”

Silence fell, but Jeremy didn’t move and eventually Harrison turned to look at him once more, careful to keep his expression blank. “Was there something else?”

The other man continued to frown, but curiosity had softened his glare. “You’re English?”

“Once upon a time. Now, I’m Australian.” He’d left England behind when he was thirteen and had no intention of ever going back. He’d held on to the last traces of his accent though, mainly because it sent Aussie boys weak at the knees. Jeremy didn’t seem susceptible.

He did give a sigh though, as his gaze dropped away. “Look, I didn’t mean to—”

“Sorry, man.” Sean appeared at Harrison’s side, red-faced and out of breath. “The traffic is a nightmare out there. I expected to be here over an hour ago.”

“No problem,” Harrison said, glad for the interruption to what surely would have been an awkward conversation. Clapping Sean on the back, he moved out of the way to allow the other man to take his position. “This here is Sean,” he told Jeremy, who had taken a step back, arms still crossed in front of him. “He will take excellent care of your… livelihood.”

That ready smile tugged at the corners of Jeremy’s mouth. “Right,” he said with a nod. “I’m sure he will.”

Sean looked back and forth between them, as if trying to figure out what he’d missed.

“Have a nice day, sir.” Not waiting for a response, Harrison turned and made his way across the floor, heading for the control room where his boss could fill him in on any issues that had arisen while he was otherwise occupied. He’d make sure he stayed away from Jeremy’s section of the main floor whenever possible for the remainder of the convention. The man may have set his blood to burning, but the feeling obviously wasn’t mutual and there was no point in taunting himself with someone he couldn’t have.

More than anything, he was disappointed in his own behaviour. One look at Jeremy and he’d started breaking the rules that kept his life on track without a second thought. Rules like living with integrity and exercising discipline in his actions. There wasn’t a lot of either to be found in hitting on someone while on the job. He’d have to take more care in the future to keep his emotions in check. Letting his heart set the rules was a good way to lose his mind.

CHAPTER 2

Jeremy was beat, and it was only two in the afternoon. Another four hours stretched in front of him and he’d never get through them without a caffeine jolt. His part-timer, Kat, was still manning the Fandom stall, along with a friend she’d roped into helping out. He’d have to give them both a bonus after all the hard work they’d put in this weekend. Together, the three of them had made a small fortune in sales over the two-day event and he never could have managed that kind of success without the two women’s help.

He’d lined up at the makeshift cafe when he saw the security guard from that morning sitting at a nearby table. The man sat back in his chair with one leg up, the ankle hooked over the opposing knee, and he had what looked like a large chalkboard propped on his lap. He was drawing something on it, his brow furrowed in concentration. Jeremy lingered, using the opportunity to inspect him unobserved. From the top of his lightly curled, dark-blond hair, down over the built body, then back up to his large masculine hands. They looked like strong, sure hands, and yet there was a lightness to them as they moved across the board with an artist’s flair. He was the epitome of hotness with a touch of whimsy thrown in. The combination was enough to make Jeremy’s mouth water.

The sound of a throat being cleared caught his attention and he dragged his eyes away from the security guard before stepping up to the now empty counter. The young woman who was serving gave him a knowing smile. “What can I get you?”

“A large flat white, to go please.”

“Just the one?” she asked, her eyes flickering almost imperceptibly toward the guard before returning to him.

Jeremy grinned. He had been an arsehole to the man. It was only right he apologise. “Make it two.”

The woman gave a little high-pitched squeal and bounced lightly on her heels. “My pleasure,” she said, before adding in a stage whisper, “I happen to know he’s one of the good ones.”

Smiling at her enthusiasm, Jeremy said, “Thanks for the tip.” After paying, he stood back to let the next customer through as he waited for the coffees to be made. His heart rate picked up as he watched the guard out of the corner of his eye, wondering what the other man’s reaction would be when he approached the table. Hopefully, he’d behave better than Jeremy himself had that morning.

The convention had been packed to the point moving was difficult at the time. He’d been run off his feet serving customers, his focus on getting through as many sales as possible while the going was good. He hadn’t even noticed the security guard until he looked up and locked on to those brown eyes. In that one moment the whole fucking world had stopped revolving. His heart skipped multiple beats, his feet froze to the spot. Hell, he’d done everything but drool. The reaction hadn’t been welcome. After spending the last couple of months actively convincing himself he was perfectly content to be alone, one look from this guy had made him ache all the way down to his toes.

Then came the wink, and Jeremy fucking lost it. Panic streaked through him and he bolted like a big, fat, feathery chicken.

After that, his concentration had gone to shit and his good mood quickly followed. He couldn’t keep his eyes off the guard and every time their gazes touched he became more flustered, not to mention horny as all freaking hell. It reminded him of everything he’d been missing out on since he’d made the decision to stay single. Like sex. God damn, he missed sex.

Before he knew what he was doing, he’d stormed up to the man and all but told him to back the hell off. It worked a little too well. The guard had disappeared within a minute of the words leaving his mouth and Jeremy hadn’t seen him since—until now.

The barista called out his order and Jeremy collected the two cups of coffee before making his way over to the table where the guard was busy examining his chalkboard with pride enough to put any kindergartner to shame. Finding out what he was up to would be worth the price of the coffee alone.

“Mind if I join you?” he asked as he stepped up to the table. The guard lifted his head and his lips parted on a slight intake of breath. The moment dragged out and Jeremy wondered if perhaps this wasn’t such a good idea after all. “It’s no big deal if you’re busy with… whatever that is,” he said, gesturing to the chalkboard. “I wanted to apologise for being a grumpy bastard earlier. So, this is for you.” He placed one of the takeaway cups down on the table. “I overreacted, I guess. It’s been a while since someone looked at me the way you were looking.”

The man’s eyes skimmed his body before narrowing sceptically. “I’m not sure I believe that.”

Jeremy shrugged. “Okay then, maybe it’s been a while since I cared to notice.” And there was no denying he’d well and truly noticed this man.

Full lips twisted in a chagrined expression. “I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”

Snorting a laugh, Jeremy shook his head. “You made me something all right, but I don’t think uncomfortable is the right word.” There was another beat of heavy staring before he decided to cut his losses. “Anyway, I should let you get back to it.”

“No need. I’m done.” The man straightened in his chair before offering his hand. “I’m Harrison Winters.”

“Jeremy Hayden.” Harrison’s hand was warm, and kind of dusty, as they shook. When he pulled away, Jeremy saw his own palm was now coated in a fine layer of blue chalk.

“Sorry about that,” Harrison murmured. “Occupational hazard.” He gestured to the seat on his right. “Pull up a chair.”

“Occupational,” Jeremy repeated as he sat down. “I take it there’s more to you than your security guard persona.”

There was a nod in response. “Security is my main job, but I do hand lettering on the side.” He started packing the various pieces of coloured chalk that were scattered across the table into a plastic container. “Signs for cafes, restaurants, wedding receptions, that kind of thing.”

“What were you doing there?” Jeremy asked, curious to see the result of the work Harrison had been so intent on.

“I was here on my break when a caped crusader stumbled against the counter and smudged the board. I offered to fix it.” Harrison turned the board, so Jeremy could see it. “It had a basic cup of coffee before but, I decided this theme is more fitting for the current location.”

A detailed picture of a Dalek covered most of the chalkboard. The familiar metal robot had a takeaway coffee cup attached to its suction cup, and instead of the usual Exterminate! it was known for in Doctor Who, the word Caffeinate! curved above the domed top.

Jeremy had to hold a hand over his mouth to prevent coffee from spraying onto the board as he laughed. “I love it,” he said once he’d managed to swallow. “The Doctor would be proud.”

Harrison seemed pleased with the compliment. “Thank you.” Reaching out, he picked up the coffee Jeremy had given him and took a sip before putting it back on the table. “And thanks for the coffee. I’ll be back in a second.”

Jeremy nodded, and Harrison took the board and container of chalk back to the counter. He watched as the matchmaker who had encouraged him to add the second coffee to his order accepted them with a grateful smile. The effusive praise she gave after checking out the board brought a nod of appreciation from Harrison, but only the vaguest hint of a smile in return. He soon returned to the table with a handful of sugar packets and a plastic spoon. Popping the lid off the coffee, he started ripping open the little packets and dumping the contents into the cup.

Jeremy raised his eyebrows. “Sweet tooth?”

Stirring, Harrison nodded. “Sugar is my kryptonite. But when I’m running on three hours sleep, it keeps me going.”

“Big night?” Jeremy asked, wondering what kind of mischief Harrison liked to get up to when he was supposed to be sleeping.

“Not really.” Harrison stirred the coffee and took another sip. “Perfect,” he said with a satisfied sigh. “How’s the convention treating you?”

“Fantastic,” Jeremy replied with a grin. “But I’ll be glad to get back to the more relaxed pace of my store.”

Harrison leaned forward, propping his elbows on the table between them. “Tell me about it.”

“About Fandom? It’s my own little piece of geek heaven.” Jeremy spent the next few minutes giving Harrison a brief rundown of his pop culture store. He’d opened the doors more than four years ago and its success was a huge source of pride for him. He may have started to ramble after a while, but he loved talking about his business and Harrison seemed happy to listen.

“It sounds like my kind of place,” Harrison said when he was done. “Maybe I’ll drop by sometime and check it out.”

“You should,” Jeremy agreed. “Although I have to say,” he allowed a mischievous grin to curve his lips, “Dalek drawings notwithstanding, you don’t look like you have a geeky bone in your body.”

Harrison’s gaze dropped to the cup he held loosely between his hands. “Sometimes the alignment between what you see and what you get isn’t exactly straight.”

Jeremy chuckled. “Yeah well, neither am I, so that’s not a problem.” He finished the last of his coffee before adding, “I should get back.”

“Me, too.” There was a brief hesitation before Harrison reached into his back pocket and pulled out a business card. “This has my mobile number,” he said, holding it out across the table. “In case you ever feel like giving me a call.”

Jeremy stared at the card. He wanted to take it. He really wanted to, but he held back. “I’m not actually on the market right now.”

Harrison’s brow furrowed. “You have a boyfriend? Or a girlfriend?”

“Neither,” he admitted, shaking his head. “But I did have a boyfriend, until a few months ago, and I’ve decided some alone time would be good for me—at least for now.” It had actually been more than six months since he walked away from the toxic life he’d been living with Aaron and he’d put that part of his life behind him—or so he liked to think. It was what he’d done next that had him reluctant to get involved with anyone new.

After breaking up with Aaron, he’d barely paused long enough to catch his breath before tumbling headfirst into a relationship with two people he’d only just met. They’d been like three lost souls, drawn to each other in a time of need. He didn’t have any regrets. The relationship had been exactly what he needed at the time and had helped him in ways he couldn’t hope to describe. But in the end, there was no denying that, while his new lovers cared about him, they had ultimately fallen in love with each other.

It hadn’t taken him long to realise he was clinging to them, using them to fill the void breaking up with Aaron had created in his life. He’d decided then that going from one relationship to another wasn’t going to help him heal the parts of himself Aaron had broken, and he’d vowed to take a step back from sex and dating. He needed time to prove he could be fine on his own before he could trust himself to be with someone else.

“Maybe you should keep it anyway, just in case,” Harrison suggested, dropping the card on the table in front of him. “You never know when you’ll want some lettering done for your store.”

Jeremy bit down on his bottom lip as he picked up the card. Maybe he was over-thinking this. He may have made the decision to be single, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t have some fun when the opportunity presented itself. “I do have a largish space above the sales counter,” he said as he stood. “It’s got posters on it right now, but they’re looking a bit ragged.”

“Sounds perfect.” Harrison rose, and they walked together in the direction of Jeremy’s stall, tossing the takeaway cups into a bin on the way. “Let me know if you want me to take a look at your space. Then we can discuss how you want me to fill it.”

Blood rushed in Jeremy’s ears and the noise of the bustling crowd receded to a dull hum. Harrison continued to walk at a steady pace beside him, as if he had no idea his words were ripe with innuendo. Jeremy sneaked a glance at the other man’s face and saw his smug expression. Oh yeah, he knew all right.

Jeremy grinned as they came to a standstill beside his stall and turned to face each other. “I’ll, um…” His voice came out as a rasp and he cleared his throat, licking his lips before he tried again. “I’ll think about it.”

“So will I.” The heat in Harrison’s gaze was enough to have Jeremy breaking out into a sweat. “It was good to meet you, Jeremy.” He walked away then, leaving Jeremy to stare after him like some lust-addled teenager.

“Who was that tall piece of gorgeous?” Kat stopped beside him, a bundle of folded t-shirts in her arms.

Jeremy’s eyes dropped to the card in his hand. “Potential business contact.”

Kat put a hand on his arm, looking up at him excitedly. “Can I be the one to make contact? Pretty please?”

“Not a chance,” he told her as he slid the card into his back pocket. “This one’s all mine.”

CHAPTER 3

Harrison welcomed the burn in his muscles as he closed in on his seventeenth kilometre. The setting sun had lent an ethereal glow to the sky and he focused on the play of colours as he crested the final hill before gaining speed as he ran down the far side. For thirteen years he’d been wearing a path along the same street and this long descent had always been his favourite part. Plunging headlong down the steep footpath, the trees and houses rushing past him on either side. No matter how far he’d gone, he always felt an extra shot of adrenaline surge through his veins right here, where his legs seemed ready to launch him into the sky.

When he’d first started running, he imagined one day he’d go fast enough to leave himself behind. All memory of who he was. Where he’d come from. Everything that happened to him before he came to Australia. There were days when freedom seemed to beckon just out of reach, always a few more strides away.

He never had managed to outrun his past. But the exertion helped clear his head, if only because the physical pain it brought crowded everything else out. It made life bearable and, over the years, he’d learned to let that be enough.

The footpath levelled out as he reached the bottom of the hill and slowed to a sedate jog. One more kilometre and he’d be at his aunty and uncle’s house. A quick check of his watch showed he’d made good time. He’d have more than half an hour to cool down and shower before dinner. He always kept a change of clothes in his old bedroom for days like this, when he knew the long run would be better for him than driving. His uncle never minded giving him a lift home.

Bypassing the front door, he let himself in through the side gate and headed straight for the backyard. His uncle, Jeff, was outside watering his beloved hydrangeas. The older man had always taken pride in his garden and Harrison had spent many a Sunday afternoon as a teenager helping him out here. He’d never developed the green thumb his uncle had but contributing had helped him feel like less of a burden.

“It’s a bit hot to be running, isn’t it?” Jeff commented when he caught sight of him.

“You’re not wrong.” Pulling off his cap, Harrison ran one hand through his sweat-soaked hair. “But I had some excess energy to burn off.” Once he’d reached his uncle’s side he bent forward with his head down. “Would you mind?”

Jeff changed the setting on the hose to a steady stream and doused Harrison’s head with the cool water for a few seconds before turning it back to his plants.

Harrison shook the water from his hair as he stood up, grateful for the cool liquid running down the back of his neck. “Thanks.”

“How’s your week been?” Jeff asked.

“Green enough,” Harrison assured him. “Yours?”

“Same.”

He and his uncle had been using the same colour code since he was fourteen. Green, blue, red—each one associated with a different state of mind. It had made communicating easier at a time when doing so had seemed impossibly hard. Now it was mostly habit.

“The end of the school year is still a few months away,” Jeff continued, “but I’m up to here in marking.” He drew a line across his neck, as if the workload itself was threatening to behead him. “Christmas holidays can’t come fast enough.”

“Are the kids giving you hell?” Harrison asked, though he knew Jeff wouldn’t have it any other way. He’d always loved being a high school teacher.

“No, they’re fine.” Jeff shook his head. “After you, kiddo, I can take anything those kids throw at me. It’s the paperwork that’s going to bore me to death,” he said with an easy smile. “Now get inside and have a shower. You’re stinking up the place and I don’t want my plants to take fright and die.”

With a quick salute, Harrison headed into the house.

An hour later, they were sitting at the dinner table when Harrison noticed Aunty Celeste spying on him out of the corner of her eye. “I was chatting to Terry down at the butcher’s shop the other day,” she said, the picture of innocence as she scooped up the last forkful of peas from her plate. “You went to high school with his grandson, didn’t you?”

Harrison was saved from giving a real answer by the piece of steak he was chewing and responded with a simple nod.

“He’s been living in Canberra for the last few years with his boyfriend.” Excitement lit her face in a way only the juiciest of local gossip could manage. “Apparently, they broke up and he’s moved back down here to Melbourne.”

He’d swallowed now and would have to say something. “That’s nice.”

“Isn’t it?” She beamed with delight at his response. Maybe he should have been less enthusiastic, though he wasn’t sure how that was possible. “I thought you might want to give him a call to welcome him home. You could invite him out for a beer or something.”

“That could be awkward, since I don’t drink.”

She gave him an exasperated look that told him to quit being obtuse. “Order a lemonade. Buy him a beer.”

“I’m not sure it’s a good idea,” he told her. “We never got along at school.” Eddie had been a vicious bully who spat in his face and called him a fag when he came out in senior year, only to follow him out of the closet less than a year after graduation.

“High school was a long time ago,” Celeste reminded him. “People change as they get older.”

Harrison put his cutlery together on the plate and sat back in his chair. “I know. It’s just,” he tried to put it politely, “he’s not my type.”

“It might help if I knew who is your type,” Celeste said pointedly. “It’s been so long since you brought someone home to meet us, I have no idea anymore.”

Jeff snorted in amusement. “Your aunty’s sussed out every single, gay man within a fifty-kilometre radius,” he said with a grin. “She’s determined to present you with a boyfriend for your next birthday.”

“I’m not that bad,” she cried, glaring slack-jawed at her husband of nearly forty years. “If I happen to meet a nice young man who may be suitable for my youngest boy I take note. It’s as simple as that.”

Harrison wondered if she’d come across any green-eyed store owners with hundred-watt smiles. He could do with an available one of those. But it had been nearly a week since he’d given Jeremy his number and the other man hadn’t called. It was probably time to let that fantasy go.

“Thanks for trying, Aunty Cel,” he said as he stood, clearing the empty plates from the table. “But I think I can find my own boyfriend.”

“Of course, you can,” she said with an encouraging smile. “But I reserve the right to keep an eye out all the same.”

“Sure thing.” Picking up the pile of dishes, Harrison escaped into the kitchen. He stacked what he could into the dishwasher before filling the sink with hot, soapy water to finish off the rest. “What was all that about?” he asked when Jeff joined him.

The older man shrugged as he picked up a tea towel. “She worries about you, I suppose. We worry about all our kids, it comes with being a parent, but… she wants to see you with attachments to the world, and the people in it. We both do.”

A tumbler slipped from Harrison’s fingers and sank to the bottom of the sink with a dull clunk. Lifting the glass out of the hot water, he checked it for cracks. “Do you think I’m going to stop fighting?” He didn’t look at his uncle as he asked the question. If a shred of doubt existed in the one man who’d managed to guide him away from the brink, he didn’t want to see it.

“No, I don’t.” Jeff’s words were firm, resolute. “You are my young warrior, as you’ve always been.”

Young warrior. Jeff had given him the nickname the day he decided to fight, before he’d even been strong enough to leave the hospital. It had given him courage in those first few months, as he started to piece together some kind of life for himself. Even after all these years, there were still times he needed to hear it.

“But the fight isn’t all there is to life, Harrison,” Jeff continued. “Those rules you’re so attached to might keep you healthy, but we want more for you. We want to see you happy.”

What did that even mean? Happy. People went on about being happy all the time but, to Harrison, it was a foreign concept. “I’ll keep working on that one,” he said as he placed the tumbler he’d dropped onto the drainer, satisfied now it remained whole. “If I manage to unravel the mystery, I’ll let you know.”

“If anyone can do it, it’s you,” Jeff said as he dried the tumbler and placed it back into the cupboard. “And no one deserves it more.”

The darkness in the back of Harrison’s mind didn’t agree. It stirred and twisted, whispering that he wasn’t capable of experiencing happiness, not the way other people did. If he was lucky enough to stumble upon it, he was too broken—too damaged—to hold on to it for long.

Harrison took a deep breath and consciously refocused his attention, concentrating on the physical sensations of his body. The heat of the water moving against his skin. The roughness of the kitchen cloth as he scrubbed the last saucepan clean. After a few minutes the darkness receded, and he could think clearly once more.

He was wiping his hands dry when he heard his mobile phone ringing. Heading into the living room, he grabbed the phone off the coffee table and glanced at the unfamiliar number on the screen before answering. “Hello?”

“Hi. Is this Harrison?”

He instantly recognised the voice on the other end of the line. “Jeremy,” he said, his lips curving a fraction. “It’s good to hear from you.”

“You, too.” There was a pause and then Jeremy cleared his throat. “I wondered if you’d have time to come to the store and take a look at the wall we were talking about at the convention. Maybe give me a quote to do some work on it.”

Harrison could have sworn a swarm of butterflies took flight in his stomach. “That sounds great.” A little devil made him add, “When do you want me to come?”

Jeremy gave a low, sexy chuckle in response.

After he hung up a few minutes later, Harrison went back into the kitchen to find Celeste making her nightly hot chocolate. He gave her a quick kiss on the forehead. “Good news, Aunty Cel,” he told her, “you might not need to find me a date after all.”

CHAPTER 4

“What’s with the black wall?” Kat asked as she walked across the store.

“It’s not black, it’s charcoal.” Jeremy looked up at the expanse of bulkhead above the counter before returning to his paperwork. “What do you think?”

Crossing her arms, Kat popped a hip and considered the space. At one metre high by two and a half metres long, there wasn’t much of it to consider. “It’s potentially an upgrade from the dodgy posters you had up there. What are you gonna put on it?”

“I haven’t decided yet, but I have some ideas.” Rounding the end of the counter, he went to stand beside her and together they stared at the freshly painted wall. “I know a guy,” he said casually. “He’s agreed to come and take a look after work tomorrow night. With any luck he’ll take the job.”

“A guy?” Kat eyed him suspiciously. “What guy?”

He did his best to sound casual as he replied, “You remember, I spoke to him at the Comic-Con last week.”

Her eyes widened as she grabbed on to his arm and jumped up and down. “You mean, Mr Hottie?”

Jeremy grinned as he rolled his eyes. “Yes, Mr Hottie.” He was pretty sure a blush crept up his cheeks. What the hell was that about?

“That’s awesome. It’s about time you finally called him.” Kat headed for the door at the rear of the store. “You’re lucky he didn’t turn you down after you made him wait so long.”

“It’s only been five days.” The longest five freaking days of his life. “I didn’t want to seem overly eager.”

“Less than twenty-four hours is eager,” she scoffed as she dumped her bag in the back room. “Five days is insulting.”

Jeremy frowned. “I didn’t know that. It’s been a long time since I played this game.” He threw his arms in the air. “Not that it matters because this is not a date, it’s a business meeting.” Which he hoped would turn into a date… or rather, a hook-up. He could enjoy a night of casual sex with a hot guy and still maintain his vow to be single and get to know himself and all that crap. He’d never intended to become a monk.

“A business meeting. Right.” Kat pulled out the vacuum cleaner. “He’s an artist or something?” she asked, before adopting what he assumed was supposed to be a seductive expression. “Is he going to come and fill your wall with all the wonders of the universe?”

“Oh God, I hope so,” Jeremy said with a wistful sigh.

Kat giggled as she plugged the machine into a power point. “I approve. Although you may want to change your clothes between now and then,” she added as she inspected him closely. “You’re all wrinkly. Did you sleep here last night or something?”

Jeremy looked down at himself. His clothes were a little crushed and he probably smelled less than fresh, but he didn’t think it was that obvious. “It took forever to get the posters down, clean the wall, paint it. I didn’t finish until one-thirty this morning. By then it didn’t seem worth it to go home so I crashed on the couch in the back room.”

“You did all that work in one night, huh?” Kat asked with a sly grin. “Must be some business meeting you have planned.”

“Oh, shut up,” he said with a mock glare as he grabbed his bag from behind the counter. “Now you’re here, I’ll duck home and have a shower, make myself presentable. I’ll see you in an hour or so.”

Kat was too busy laughing to speak, but she did wave goodbye as he walked out the door.

* * *

Jeremy had never spent much time thinking about what league he was in, but when he saw Harrison walk through the front door of his store the next evening, he became convinced this man existed outside of it. Denim jeans hugged his legs to perfection. The long sleeves of his dark-blue shirt were turned up to reveal strong, masculine forearms. And the way the angular lines of his face contrasted with the softly curled hair and full lips was enough to make all the baby angels cry. Oh yeah, Harrison Winters was definitely out of his league. Whatever the hell Jeremy had done to draw his attention, he wanted to do it again—repeatedly.

Harrison caught sight of him and nodded in greeting as he walked over.

Clearing his throat, Jeremy came forward to offer his hand. “Welcome to Fandom.”

“Thanks for inviting me.” As they shook, Harrison’s eyes lifted over his head to the now vacant wall above the counter. “This is the spot?” he asked, his eyes lighting up.

“Yeah.” Turning to stand beside him, Jeremy gestured to the charcoal wall. “I hope you don’t mind me starting without you. The whole thing was a hell of a mess and I wanted to give you something clean to work with.”

Harrison nodded, seeming impressed. “It looks great. You did all the boring work and left the interesting part for me.”

“That was kind of the point,” Jeremy said with a quiet chuckle. “To keep you interested.”

Turning his head, Harrison looked at him with those velvety brown eyes. “You do that just fine all on your own,” he said in a low voice.

Jeremy could practically feel the other man’s gaze as it zeroed in on his mouth and stayed there. He caught his bottom lip between his teeth, wondering if maybe they could skip the pretence and move straight to the part where they were fucking each other’s brains out.

Harrison’s throat moved as he swallowed. “Tell me what you have in mind.”

Lips parting, Jeremy tried to decide where he should start. He had a half-dozen different positions in mind right this second. And that was before he even started to get creative.

“For the wall,” Harrison clarified, a teasing glint in his eyes.

A faint groan edged out of Jeremy as his eyes slid closed. “Right, the wall.” That settled it—pretence first, fucking later.

There was a hum of satisfaction, followed by the warmth of a hand cupping his cheek. Jeremy leaned into the touch as long fingers curled along the length of his jaw. He lifted his eyelids to see Harrison’s whole body had turned toward him.

“Not yet,” Harrison murmured as he leaned closer. His breath was quick and harsh against the shell of Jeremy’s ear. “Patience sweetens the taste.”

A small laugh huffed out of Jeremy’s chest. “Fucking hell, you do have a sweet tooth.” He was hard as a rock, his cock straining against the confines of his pants, as if reaching for Harrison of its own accord. And Lord knew the heat of Harrison’s body beckoned. Jeremy stopped short of pressing up against him—but only just. “I can be patient if you can.” He tried to mean it, but even as he said the words his head tilted until his open mouth aligned with Harrison’s. Their breath mingled between them as their lips almost touched, and Jeremy fought like the devil to keep his tongue to himself. “Or at least, I can try.”

“Yeah, me too.” Harrison’s forehead leaned against his for a moment, and then he moved away. “Okay, back to the wall.” He cleared his throat as he headed for the counter, putting the bag he’d carried in with him on top and rummaging around inside for a sketch book and pencil.

Jeremy took a moment to inhale some deep breaths in an attempt to calm down. When he could speak without begging, he stepped up to join Harrison. “I want the space to be a talking point for customers. Something people can have fun with. So, I was thinking of having a collection of quotes from different fandoms, painted in white, covering the whole wall. Maybe in different fonts, some vertical, some horizontal. What do you think?”

“I know what you’re after.” Harrison nodded his approval of the idea. “And you want quotes like, May the force be with you?”

“Yes, but more contemporary. Winter is coming, that sort of thing.” Seeing Harrison turn to a fresh page of his sketchbook, Jeremy grabbed the notepad he’d used to jot down the dimensions of the wall and handed it over.

“How about Driver picks the music, shotgun shuts his cakehole?” Harrison suggested as he used Jeremy’s notes to rule up an appropriately-sized rectangle on the paper in front of him.

Jeremy grinned, loving that Harrison had picked up his idea so quickly. “Yes. That’s exactly what I mean.”

“How many of these quotes do you think you can come up with?” Harrison asked, as if he had his doubts. “Without searching for them on your phone, that is.”

“Enough to freak you out,” he said with confidence. “By the time we’re done you may rethink hanging out with the local geek.”

“You’re pretty sure of your status there, Jeremy,” he teased. “I may have to bring you down a peg or two.”

“You think so?” Jeremy raised his arms at the mock threat. “Look around you, man. There is no way a security guard is going to out-geek me.”

Harrison managed to look affronted before he announced, “Challenge accepted.”

Jeremy burst out laughing, recognising the line instantly. “All right, one point to you. Enjoy the lead while it lasts.”

Sharpening his pencil, Harrison gave him a nod. “I intend to.”

They got down to work and by the time two hours passed they’d almost finished developing the idea, fitting a dozen different quotes from various books, movies, and TV shows into the design. It would have taken a quarter of the time if they hadn’t gotten distracted by every topic that came up. Harrison’s dry wit kept Jeremy laughing until his sides hurt, although the other man held his own emotions close to his chest. Jeremy got the impression Harrison enjoyed his company, but he had yet to know what the man’s laugh sounded like and he’d barely glimpsed a smile.

“If I move this line up a little, we can fit one more quote down here at the bottom,” Harrison said as he studied his sketch. “What do you want to put in there? Maybe the Wibbly, wobbly, timey wimey line from Doctor Who, or Have you ever tried schwarma?” he suggested. “The Avengers are popular.”

“No, they’re too obvious.” Jeremy shook his head. “My customers will be all over this thing. There will be kudos for anyone who can place every quote on the first try. I want this last one to be a little more obscure.” He thought for a moment, discarding another half-dozen ideas as they came to mind, before hitting on a winner. “I’ve got it.” Leaning forward, he nabbed the pencil from Harrison’s hand and wrote in the last space, smiling when the words appeared to fit perfectly.

When he sat back, Harrison read the phrase out loud. “Everything changed when the fire nation attacked.” There was an uncertainty in the way he said the words, as if he’d never heard them before.

“You don’t recognise that one,” Jeremy guessed, eyes wide as he sat up in his chair. “Admit it.”

Harrison’s face scrunched up for a moment, his chin resting on an upturned hand as he considered the phrase. Finally, he shook his head. “No, I have no idea where it comes from.”

Whooping in delight, Jeremy clapped his hands together. “You’ve never seen Avatar?”

Frowning, Harrison looked at him askance. “You mean that movie with the giant blue people?”

“No. I’m talking about The Last Airbender.” Harrison still seemed clueless and Jeremy grinned at him. “You have a serious hole in your education, man. We’ll be fixing that, I assure you. And by the way, in case you were wondering, yes I did out-geek you.”

“You did, I admit defeat.” Harrison lifted his arms up before bending forward. “And I bow to the king.”

Jeremy laughed. “I like the sound of that. Perhaps I should have you on your knees swearing fealty.”

Dropping his hands on either side of Jeremy’s chair, Harrison leaned in closer. Jeremy could smell the musky scent of man beneath traces of cologne and his head spun. “Jeremy, when I get down on my knees in front of you, you’ll be the one swearing fealty.” His gaze travelled over Jeremy’s body as he spoke in a gravelly voice. “To me. Between moans.”

And just like that Jeremy was hard all over again—painfully hard. Honestly, the man could turn his dick to rock in six seconds flat. But that didn’t mean he would fall for the same shit twice. Harrison said he wanted to be patient. Like hell was Jeremy going to break first. He slid sideways out of his chair, gulping air into his lungs as he backed away. It was a less than subtle escape, but it got him out of the danger zone. “I’m hungry,” he spat out, trying not to be obvious as he adjusted himself in his pants. “Are you hungry?”

Harrison winked at him again. “Starving.”

“Good.” He grabbed his bag before heading for the door. “Let’s get out of here. I’ll buy you dinner.”

CHAPTER 5

“I swear to you, this will be the best hamburger you’ve ever tasted,” Jeremy said as he led Harrison through an open doorway a few minutes’ walk from Fandom.

The place looked like little more than a hole in the wall, with its old wooden counter and cracked linoleum floor. “I’ll take your word for it,” Harrison replied, trying not to sound sceptical.

After placing their orders, they headed down a narrow hallway on the right side of the counter that led past the restaurant kitchen to a generous dining area at the back of the building.

Harrison stopped at the entrance to the room. A sense of unease tightened his gut as he took in the lack of doors and windows. Scanning the dimly lit room, he spotted an exit sign in a wall to the left. The dull green glow hovered over a door that was almost invisible due to the covering of retro-posters, old cartoons, and photographs that made it blend in with the surrounding walls. With a sigh of relief, he followed Jeremy through the hodgepodge collection of low couches and scarred wooden tables, thankful the other man hadn’t noticed his reaction.

They sat together on a small couch in a corner of the room. Chill-out music was audible below the hum of conversation from the dozen or so other diners. It wasn’t long before a waitress arrived with their meals. Harrison’s eyes widened at the monstrous size of the burger she placed before him, a generous pile of hot chips at its side. “Whoa.” He leaned closer to Jeremy’s ear. “That thing’s not going to try to eat me first, is it?”

“I’ve never had one snap at me yet,” Jeremy told him with a grin. “But you can’t be too careful.”

“Good to know.”

They leaned forward over the low table in front of them and took their first bites. Harrison could barely fit his mouth around the burger, but the effort was worth it. “You’re right,” he said with a nod after he managed to swallow. “That’s good.”

“Good?” Jeremy repeated a moment later, lifting his eyebrows. “Damn, man, don’t let your enthusiasm overcome you. This is heaven in a bun.”

Taking a sip of water, Harrison replied, “I don’t need enthusiasm. I have you. You’re enthusiastic enough for the whole street.”

Jeremy proved the point by groaning in pleasure as he took another bite. “My mother calls it a zest for living,” he said after washing his bite down with a mouthful of beer. “My father calls it my inability to sit the fuck down.”

Harrison curved his lips upward at Jeremy’s joke. It seemed like an appropriate response. “Your parents, what are they like?” he asked before biting the end off a hot chip.

“They’re like most people’s parents, I suppose. Mum works as a nurse at an aged care home. She likes taking care of people. Dad was a salesman, but he’s retired now. They live about an hour north of the city.” He popped a chip in his mouth and chewed. “What about you? Are your parents here in Melbourne or are they in England?”

Picking up his burger, Harrison took a bite, chewing slowly so he’d have time to think about how to answer. He refused to lie, that was one rule he’d never break, but he didn’t want to tell too much of the truth—at least not yet. He liked Jeremy. His personality was a shot of sunlight through the cobwebs of Harrison’s mind. The brightness blinded him, but he was drawn to it anyway. He didn’t want to lose access too soon.

“Both of my parents passed away a long time ago,” he said, keeping his tone casual. “I moved to Australia when I was thirteen to live with my mum’s sister and her husband. My youngest cousin had moved out of home the year before, so they had room for me. I’ve been here fourteen years now.”

Jeremy frowned. “That must have sucked. Moving to a whole different country after losing your folks.”

“No, not at all.” Harrison shook his head. “My aunty and uncle are the best kind of people. They took me in when they didn’t have to. I wasn’t the easiest kid to deal with at the time.” An understatement of grand proportions, but not a lie. “I got the better end of that deal.”

“Was it just you, or do you have siblings as well?”

“Just me.” His parents had only gotten married because of him, and he would forever be grateful they’d never had any more children. The doctors had said if he’d been even a couple of kilograms lighter, the drugs would have killed him. A younger sibling never would have survived. Having to live with that kind of loss may have driven him insane—more insane, anyway. Reaching for his glass, Harrison chugged some water to try and clear the bile that had risen at the unwanted memories. “What about you?” He kept his gaze on the table in front of them. “Do you have siblings?”

Jeremy nodded. “I have a sister, Anna. She’s two years younger than me, but you’d swear she was the older one with the way she takes care of me.”

“How so?” he asked, grateful the conversation had steered away from him.

“I’ve stayed with her a couple of times in the past year.” Jeremy’s shrug implied it was no big deal, but the stiffness of the movement said otherwise. “Every time I show up on her doorstep looking like a fucked up mess, she lets me in, offers me her couch and makes me a cup of tea.” A softness crept into Jeremy’s voice as he talked about his sister, affection clear in the crinkling around his eyes. “But thankfully that will not be happening again.”

“Why?” Harrison asked with a teasing lilt. “Did she run out of tea?”

Jeremy did a double-take, then gave a rough laugh. “I mean the part where I show up on her doorstep needing a place to stay. I’m damned near thirty, it’s about time I got my shit together. That’s why I’m now living alone. I can’t end up in a situation where I have to pack my bags and show up on Anna’s doorstep if I’m living by myself.”

Harrison tilted his head. “You make it sound like you were homeless every other weekend.”

“I wasn’t quite that bad,” he said, shaking his head with a rueful grin. “But it happened twice in less than six months so…”

Having finished his burger, Harrison turned sideways and drew one bent leg up onto the overstuffed cushion as he stretched his right arm out along the back of the couch behind Jeremy. “I’m curious now. What happened?”

Jeremy pushed his own plate away and sat back, settling deeper into the cushions. “Those stories aren’t…”

“First date material?” He watched as Jeremy bit down on that bottom lip, as if he wanted to say something but wasn’t sure if he should. “Except this isn’t a date,” he guessed.

“It’s not supposed to be.” Jeremy pulled his legs up, crossing them in front of him. His left thigh came to rest on top of Harrison’s bent knee. “But it’s not exactly your average business dinner either.”

“I suppose we need to come up with a third option.” Unable to resist the urge, Harrison sat forward and lifted his hand from the back of the couch, so he could run his fingers through the short hair at the nape of Jeremy’s neck. Jeremy’s eyes slid shut as he exhaled, and Harrison’s body hardened at the innate sensuality of the response. Patience may be a virtue, but his supply was fast running out. “I have to be honest though, if all you’re after is a hook-up, it’s not really my style.”

Opening his eyes, Jeremy looked at him. His expression, though heated, was wary—almost reluctant. “I like you, Harrison. You’re easy to talk to and being around you makes me feel good. So…” Jeremy turned his body in the small space, moving closer and curling his own hand around the back of Harrison’s neck. “I would like to get to know you better, but I can’t make any promises about being ready for something more. Right now, that’s the most I can offer.”

Harrison considered his words for a moment before nodding in agreement. “That’s good enough for me.”

The grin that appeared on Jeremy’s face sparked a light somewhere deep inside Harrison’s chest. Though scarcely a glimmer, it warmed him from the inside, made him want more.

“Well, what do you know?” Jeremy murmured, tilting his head to one side. “The man does know how to smile.”

Harrison blinked as he reached up with his free hand to touch his own cheeks. Jeremy was right. His mouth had curved of its own accord, reflecting the pleasure he’d seen in the other man. He couldn’t remember how long it had been since that happened.

Long fingers replaced his, stroking the roughness of his jaw and cupping his chin. Jeremy leaned in to kiss him and Harrison closed his eyes as he waited for that first touch. It was scary how much he wanted this—to taste the sunshine of this man’s mouth, to make the light inside burn brighter.

The moment their lips met, Harrison reached out to cup Jeremy’s face in his hands. Their mouths moved slowly against each other, hesitantly, every moment a torturous blend of holding back and letting go. Then, Jeremy ran his tongue along Harrison’s bottom lip and Harrison opened his mouth in invitation. Jeremy slipped inside, tasting him with infinite care—with patience. The thought roused a hidden part of him that never would have responded to a stronger, more frenzied passion.

When Jeremy withdrew from the kiss he did so in small degrees, drawing out each languid touch, until at last they parted. Harrison opened his eyes and saw Jeremy watching him closely. The light in Jeremy’s eyes gleamed bright and joyful when he murmured, “Sweet enough for you?”

A breathy sound erupted from Harrison’s chest, almost like a laugh, and he startled.

Jeremy’s true laugh followed close behind. “I’ll take that as a yes.” Pulling away, Jeremy stood and then turned back to offer Harrison his hand. “Come on,” he said with a smile. “I’ll let you drive me home.”

CHAPTER 6

“When can you start work on the wall?”

Harrison took his eyes from the road long enough to glance at Jeremy with raised eyebrows. “I haven’t even given you the quote yet. What if you decide you don’t want to go ahead with it?”

“After all the work we put in tonight to make it brilliant?” He threw his arms up in a show of enthusiasm. “It’s too late to turn back now. Besides, I’ve already fallen for the idea.” Something in Jeremy’s tone made Harrison turn to look at him once more. Their gazes met and held. Jeremy was talking about more than a few splashes of paint on a wall. “I can’t seem to help myself,” he added with a secretive smile.

Turning back to the road, Harrison took a moment to collect himself. Hope crowded his chest, making it difficult to breathe. Or maybe that was the anxiety that came crashing along behind, telling him this was too good to be true. Jeremy liked him now, but only because he didn’t really know him yet. Didn’t know how damaged he was. How he would ruin everything.

After a few minutes, when he could trust himself to speak without his voice cracking, he said, “You’re a terrible negotiator.”

Jeremy burst out laughing. “I suppose you’re right. I’m not normally such a push over but, then again, it depends on who’s doing the pushing.”

They made plans for Harrison to come to the store after work two days later. His day job meant he could only work at the store after hours, which was perfect for Jeremy because the work wouldn’t affect his customers. The two of them getting to spend more time alone together was an added bonus.

Before long they pulled into Jeremy’s driveway and Harrison cut the engine. “I’ll walk you to your door,” he said as he pushed the car door open.

Jeremy gave him an amused smirk. “How chivalrous of you.”

Harrison put a hand on his chest as he replied, “I’m a true gentleman, you know.”

“I never doubted it for a second.” Taking him by the hand, Jeremy turned to walk backward in front of him as they approached the door of the ground floor apartment. “You know, if you’d like you can walk me all the way to my bedroom.”

They stopped in front of the door, and Harrison lifted Jeremy’s hand high, so he could coil that arm around the back of his neck. The movement brought their bodies up against each other. “It’s a tempting offer, but…” He stopped there, unable to actually say no to something he wanted so badly.

Jeremy’s gaze fell, and he gave a dramatic sigh. “But,” he continued where Harrison had left off, “you’re not going to take me up on it.”

Harrison slowly shook his head. There were only so many rules he could break before he started putting himself at risk of a relapse and if he wanted to make this work, he couldn’t allow that to happen. “I can’t stay. It’s getting late and I have to work tomorrow.” The pout that appeared on Jeremy’s face was adorable and Harrison’s arms tightened around him.

“I can offer you a comfortable bed,” Jeremy said, leering at him. “Can’t guarantee you’ll get much sleep though.”

One corner of Harrison’s mouth lifted. “And therein lies the problem.”

“At least come inside long enough for a proper kiss good night,” Jeremy suggested. “I really want to kiss you again, but I’d rather not give the neighbours a show.”

Harrison licked his lips at the thought of tasting this man one more time, and when Jeremy did the same, all resistance crumbled. “Open the door.”

That blinding smile appeared on Jeremy’s face as he turned to slide the key into the lock—the one that hit Harrison in the solar plexus every time. The door swung open and Harrison followed him inside, closing it behind them.

Jeremy dropped his bag before turning around, and Harrison caught his face between his hands. He plunged his tongue deep into Jeremy’s mouth. It was hot and wet and oh so eager to give as well as receive. Wanting more, Harrison took hold of Jeremy’s suspenders and the shirt beneath, fisting the material in his hands as he urged Jeremy back against a nearby wall.

His erection throbbed painfully, and he pressed his body against Jeremy’s, groaning in relief when Jeremy’s own hardness rubbed against his.

Jeremy’s hands slid down over his back, then continued lower. Pulling him close, Jeremy curled his hips forward in a gentle thrusting motion. “Oh, fuck.” The curse left Jeremy’s mouth on a sigh as his head dropped back against the wall. “Are you sure you can’t stay longer?” he asked. “Even an hour. I can totally work with an hour.”

Harrison licked a wet path up the side of Jeremy’s throat before kissing a line along his jaw. “I would love to, but I need to clock eight hours in bed.”

“Eight hours?” Jeremy’s hands traced the lines of his back. “Is that like a rule?”

“Something like that.” Exactly like that. “Sleep deprivation is bad for you.” He tugged on Jeremy’s shirt as he spoke, dragging it upward before slipping his hands underneath. “It impairs your ability to regulate your emotions,” he flattened his palms against Jeremy’s stomach, felt the muscles there tighten, “and to read emotions in others.”

Jeremy laughed, and the husky sound made Harrison’s body pulse with desire. “I don’t think you’re having any trouble reading me right now.”

“Because I’m so well-rested,” Harrison murmured, which made Jeremy laugh again.

Sliding his palms upward, Harrison ran his fingers over the twin points of Jeremy’s nipples, making him gasp as his back arched. “It also makes it harder to solve problems creatively and, worst of all,” he made his way back down to the button on the front of Jeremy’s pants, “it ruins your impulse control.” A few deft movements and Jeremy’s pants were undone, though they were still held up by the ever-present suspenders.

Harrison stood back for a moment, one hand holding Jeremy’s shirt up out of the way, so he could properly take in the view. All the way from Jeremy’s expressive face, down over the heaving chest, to the defined abdominals that twitched in pleasure when Harrison ran the fingertips of his free hand over them. The head of Jeremy’s erection poked out from the top of his boxer shorts and Harrison’s lips parted at the sight.

“You know,” Jeremy said, panting for breath, “for such a well-rested guy, you don’t seem to be controlling your impulses all too well.”

Lifting his eyes, Harrison took in Jeremy’s flushed cheeks and heavy eyelids. He wanted to eat this man alive. “I am not even trying.” His right hand slid into Jeremy’s boxers to grasp hold of his erection.

Jeremy hissed in a loud breath. “Christ,” he yelled as he body went rigid.

Wrapping his fingers tight around Jeremy’s erection, Harrison stroked the length of it with slow movements. Jeremy collapsed back against the wall, his eyes closed, and his lips parted as he took shallow breaths. His hands gripped tight on to Harrison’s shoulders, as if there was a real possibility he might fall without the extra support.

Harrison moved a little to the side, so he could lean in closer while still having room to get Jeremy off. Sliding his free hand under Jeremy’s chin, Harrison tilted his head back to expose his throat, before placing a hot, wet kiss on his Adam’s apple. With a quiet moan, Harrison sucked on the skin there. Gently, tenderly. Enough to make Jeremy shiver, but without leaving a mark. He would never leave a bruise on this man’s skin, not even one caused by pleasure.

Jeremy showed no such restraint. The fingers of one hand clutched at Harrison’s hair now, holding him in place. The other twisted in his shirt, clutching absently as his hips jerked in response to Harrison’s stroking hand. Jeremy lowered his head until he could reach Harrison’s lips and crushed their mouths together. A sexy whimper filled Harrison’s mouth. Their tongues duelled, twisting frantically. Jeremy was close.

Breaking away from the kiss, Harrison leaned in to lap at Jeremy’s earlobe with his tongue before he caught it between his teeth. “Next time we do this,” he rasped into Jeremy’s ear, “I’m going to suck the come right out of you.”

A ragged scream rent the air and Jeremy pulsed in Harrison’s hand as he came in a series of hard, rapid thrusts. Leaning his torso back slightly, Harrison watched Jeremy’s face contort in mindless pleasure. The force of his orgasm made a fierce satisfaction rise up inside Harrison, despite his own body’s continued need for release.

In that moment, it didn’t matter how broken he was. He’d brought this man intense pleasure tonight, and nothing could take that away.

“Holy fucking hell,” Jeremy said with a breathy chuckle. “I’m pretty sure all the stars in the sky just exploded.”

Harrison nuzzled his neck for a moment. “That was the idea.”

Taking deep breaths, Jeremy stayed slumped against the wall, though he managed to lift his eyelids. “Give me a second, then I can do the same for you.”

Harrison shook his head, moving away. “Not tonight. I do have to go.” He spied a box of tissues on a nearby sideboard and used a couple to dry his hands.

Jeremy blinked slowly, the glow fading from his eyes. “Are you serious?”

With a quick nod, Harrison pressed one final, lingering kiss to Jeremy’s lips before heading for the door. He had to leave now, before all sense of discipline deserted him and he ended up feasting on Jeremy’s body until dawn. “I’ll see you in a couple of days.”

Refastening his pants, Jeremy tilted his head. “You like to draw things out, don’t you?” he said, curiosity shining in his green eyes. “Why is that?”

Harrison swallowed. “Because I want this to last as long as possible.”

A heaviness descended between them and Jeremy straightened. His gaze searched Harrison’s face, as if looking for a clue as to what he was thinking. “You say that like you already know how it ends.”

Harrison opened the door, ready to walk out into the night. “You said being around me makes you feel good,” he said. “I’m going to do everything I can to make sure that stays true. Because being around you makes me feel good, too.” He could have brought another smile to his lips, it wouldn’t have been hard. But this time it wouldn’t have been real, and he didn’t want to lie. “Good night, Jeremy.”

He saw the frown on Jeremy’s face deepen but left before the other man had a chance to respond.

CHAPTER 7

“Boss man!” Kat yelled from the back of the empty store. “Can I leave early?”

Jeremy didn’t bother to look up from the paperwork he was doing at the counter. The store had been so busy in the last few days he was struggling to keep up with the backlog. “That depends,” he called back. “Do you want to get paid for your full shift?”

Kat’s head popped out from behind a set of shelves where she was unpacking new merchandise, all big eyes and pouty lips. “But it would only be half an hour. I have a very important meeting to go to.”

“Don’t pretend you didn’t receive a text all of a minute ago. I heard your phone beep.” Jeremy gave her a speculative look, one eyebrow raised. “You’ve been asked out on a date, haven’t you?”

She pursed her lips in annoyance. “Yes, but that doesn’t mean it’s not important.”

“Yeah, right.” Jeremy rolled his eyes before rubbing his hands together with a smile. “Now, tell me everything.”

A dreamy grin appeared on Kat’s face. “His name is Mark and I met him last week in the university library. He wants to take me to the movies but if I don’t leave in the next twenty minutes I won’t have time to get there. So, can I please leave early? Please, please, please.”

“Do I want to know what all the begging is about?”

Jeremy’s head snapped up at the sound of Harrison’s voice. He was making his way through the door with an enormous bag over his shoulder. Various pieces of equipment poked out of it at weird angles, including three different wooden rulers that had to be a metre long.

“Hello.” Jeremy didn’t bother to hide the smile that automatically plastered itself all over his face as he came forward to greet the other man. Harrison hadn’t left his mind for more than five minutes at a time in the last two days. He was almost willing to say he was besotted. “I wasn’t expecting you for another hour yet.”

“I got off work a little early so…” Harrison’s gaze travelled over him quickly, as if trying to take him in all at once. “I hope you don’t mind.”

“Not in the least.”

An empty cardboard box was nudged around the corner of the nearby shelf before Kat eased back into view. Jeremy smirked at her lame attempt at discretion.

“Kat, come meet Harrison,” Jeremy said, motioning for her to join them. “Harrison, this is my part-timer, Katherine.”

“It’s great to meet you,” she said, grasping his hand in both of hers as they shook.

“You, too,” Harrison replied with a nod.

“Kat here is trying to be even more part-time than usual,” Jeremy said, “by ditching me early to go on a hot date.”

She did that thing where she lowered her chin and looked up at him at the same time. It made her eyes seem enormous and she knew damned well he was a sucker for it every time. “I promise to make it up to you.”

“I’m going to get out of your hair.” Harrison headed for the counter. “Start setting up.”

“Sure,” Jeremy said, his gaze still on Kat. She was a hard worker, when she was at work, and they’d gotten along well from the moment she walked into his store at the age of sixteen looking for a job. It had taken all of about a week for her to be filed under the Little Sister section of his heart, and three years later she still resided there. If she wanted to go out and have fun, he wasn’t about to stop her, but he was loath to make it too easy. “I’ll make you a deal,” Jeremy offered. “All those boxes we unpacked this morning are still in the backroom waiting to be flattened and taken out to the dumpster. It should take you about ten minutes. After that, you’re free to go.”

Kat screwed her face up in disgust. “I hate the dumpster. It smells funny.”

“Which is why I usually do it myself,” he pointed out. “But since you’re after a favour…”

She crossed her arms, scowling. “You know there are rats out there.”

Jeremy snorted. “There aren’t any rats.”

She continued to stare at him. He stared back. Finally, she threw up her hands. “Fine. It’s a deal.” She held out one hand and they shook on it, but then she wagged a finger at him. “But if I get attacked by R.O.U.S.s, I’m blaming you.”

“Rodents of Unusual Size?” Harrison said from across the room. “I don’t think they exist.”

Jeremy froze. He saw Kat’s eyes grow wide and knew his were doing the same. They both turned to stare at Harrison at the same time. Harrison glanced at Jeremy out of the corner of his eye, winked, and went back to work.

“Holy shit snacks,” Kat whispered, leaning toward him. “I think he’s your soulmate.”

Snapping back to reality, Jeremy rolled his eyes again and pointed to the door to the back room. “Go, haul.”

Kat grinned at him, holding her hands in the air. “I’m just saying.” She turned with a giggle and went to do as she was told.

Jeremy headed straight for Harrison, not stopping until his whole body was pressed against him. “Dear God, you are hot.”

Harrison stiffened in surprise, before relaxing against him. “I take it The Princess Bride quotes are a turn on for you,” he said, wrapping his arms around Jeremy’s neck.

“Right now, the sound of your voice alone is making me hard.” Jeremy gripped on to Harrison’s waist as he leaned closer. “But hearing you quote shit like that is enough to make my head explode. Now, kiss me.”

Harrison tilted his head to one side. “As you wish.”

Jeremy’s eyes damned near rolled back in his head. “Oh, fuck yes.” He fitted his mouth to Harrison’s, sliding his tongue along his bottom lip before delving inside for a deeper taste. His whole body was alive with this man’s nearness. Everything about Harrison was new and exciting to him, and yet Harrison knew enough of his world that they interacted like old friends. Never had he felt this comfortable with someone so quickly. It was scary but exhilarating all the same.

They were both breathing hard when they parted. Harrison reached up to trace Jeremy’s bottom lip with his thumb. “I could get drunk on the taste of you,” he murmured.

A sound of longing worked its way up Jeremy’s throat and he gritted his teeth against the urge to go further. “Unfortunately, inebriation will have to wait until after hours.”

“More’s the pity.” Harrison took a deliberate step backward, putting some much-needed space between them. “Until then, I have that quote for you, for the wall.” He crouched down to dig through his bag for a moment, before straightening to hand Jeremy a single sheet of paper.

“Excellent,” Jeremy said, glad for the distraction. He unfolded the sheet and quickly read the contents. When he was done he looked up at Harrison with a single raised eyebrow. “What is this? You were supposed to give me a real quote.”

“It is a real quote,” Harrison insisted.

“Really.” Jeremy dropped his gaze back to the paper. “Do all your clients pay you with dinner and conversation?”

“No, but you’re special.” He held his arms up, gesturing to his torso. “I’m a starving artist here. Feed me.”

“I can tell,” Jeremy scoffed, crossing his arms as his eyes travelled over Harrison’s muscular physique. “I get hungry just looking at you.”

Harrison propped one hand on a hip. “Mr Hayden,” he teased, “are you checking me out?”

“Hell, yes.”

“Good.” The word came with a satisfied nod. “I’d hate to think the ogling is one-sided.”

Jeremy threw his arms in the air. “At least let me pay for the materials you’re using.”

Harrison shook his head. “No need. I’ve got left-over paint from a dozen different jobs. I won’t need more.”

Deciding to try another tack, Jeremy stepped closer. “I could offer sexual favours.”

That got Harrison’s attention. He raised his eyebrows, trying to appear affronted even as his gaze dropped to Jeremy’s mouth. “You mean I don’t get those for free?”

Blowing out a sigh of exasperation, Jeremy gave in. “Fine. I accept your terms with many thanks.”

“You’re welcome. Oh, there is one more thing I need from you,” Harrison told him, a sceptical expression on his face. “Although, I’m not entirely sure you can give it to me.”

Jeremy’s lips parted on an intake of breath. “You bet your tight arse I can,” he declared, his body throbbing with anticipation. “Anything you want. Tell me.”

Those velvety brown eyes caressed his face for a long moment before he replied. “A ladder.” He stepped away, surveying the wall as if he hadn’t just gone out of his way to turn Jeremy into a quivering mess of lust. “I definitely need a ladder.”

Groaning at his own gullibility, Jeremy collapsed over the top of the counter. “You are going to kill me, Harrison,” he said with a husky laugh, before turning toward the back room where the ladder was stored. “You’re going to fucking kill me.”

CHAPTER 8

Jeremy closed the store about half an hour after Kat left. His brain sighed in relief when he switched off the usual upbeat store music in favour of some low-key acoustic guitar. As Harrison worked on the wall, Jeremy spent time putting together the online orders that had come in through the day. They chatted occasionally, getting to know each other in small ways. The periods of silence between topics were comfortable and relaxed. Jeremy found he enjoyed the novelty of having someone else around while he completed his after-hours work.

His ex-boyfriend, Aaron, had never hung out at the store with him. Aaron’s possessive nature hadn’t lent itself to situations where he didn’t have Jeremy’s undivided attention. Being at the store while Jeremy worked would have irritated the hell out of him. Instead, he’d preferred to go straight home after work and wait for Jeremy to join him there. And if Jeremy ever forgot his lover didn’t cope well with his absence, Aaron’s verbal lashings reminded him when he got home.

Frowning at the now distant memories, Jeremy looked up at Harrison out of the corner of his eye. The other man was still up on the ladder, his focus steady on the wall in front of him as he outlined another letter. Neither of them had spoken for about ten minutes, but that didn’t seem to bother Harrison. He didn’t need Jeremy to entertain him, or make sure his needs were met. In fact, he appeared perfectly content to simply be in the same room together. Compared to Aaron, everything about being around Harrison was so… easy.

“Everything okay?” Harrison had paused to gaze down at him, concern drawing his brows down.

Jeremy nodded. He hadn’t even realised he was staring until Harrison spoke. “Yeah,” he said, hoping to cover the serious nature of his thoughts. “I’m thinking about ordering dinner soon. Do you like Italian?” he asked, using the first cuisine that came to mind.

“Sounds good.” Harrison continued to watch him closely, as though trying to divine the true content of his thoughts, but he didn’t ask any more questions. Jeremy was grateful for his restraint.

He rushed through the last of the customer orders, managing to finish a few minutes before seven o’clock. Digging up the menu for the restaurant, he put in the order for their chosen meals. “I have some soft drinks in the back. Or I can make a run to the liquor store if you’d like something else. Maybe some red wine to go with the pasta?”

“Water is fine for me,” Harrison said, glancing at him for a quick moment. “I don’t drink alcohol and—”

“Sugar is your kryptonite?” Jeremy finished for him, remembering his words at the Comic-Con.

Harrison nodded, his expression guarded. “Exactly.”

Jeremy had other friends who didn’t drink, and knew a health nut or two who refused to consume any type of soft drink, but Harrison was the first who was disciplined enough to stick strictly to water when alternatives were available. He wondered at the reason, but the guarded expression on Harrison’s face killed any additional questions before they could form. He got the impression Harrison was used to being questioned about his choices. So instead, he chose to shrug and say, “Fair enough.” The other man’s chest deflated a fraction and Jeremy was glad he’d kept his curiosity in check.

After a quick trip to the back room, he returned with a can of lemonade for himself and a bottle of water for Harrison. Placing the drinks on the counter, he pulled a chair out into the empty space in front of it and sat down, content to watch Harrison work while they waited for the food to arrive.

He’d been at it for less than two hours, but already Harrison had outlined the letters for about three-quarters of the quotes they’d chosen. Each quote, drawn in a soft white artist’s pencil, had its own particular font, some larger than others. Each letter was perfect, and Jeremy’s chest swelled with pleasure as he drew his eyes across them over and over.

A while later, Harrison glanced down at him. “Aren’t you going to get bored sitting there watching me draw?”

“Not in this lifetime,” Jeremy said, shaking his head. “I have a fascination with beautiful writing.”

Harrison’s hand followed the curve of a scripted ‘S’ as he replied. “Why is that, do you think?”

Jeremy smiled. Harrison was still sneaking in those lines from The Princess Bride at odd moments. They never failed to make a small part of him purr with satisfaction. “I don’t know,” he said after clearing his throat. “Maybe because writing doesn’t have to be beautiful to fulfil its purpose. And most people only put in as much effort as necessary to be understood. But writing can be an art form, and when it’s done well, the words and the art combined, it can change a life.”

Harrison turned to study him at length. “Such eloquence,” he said, looking thoughtful. “Perhaps you do know why, after all.”

“I guess so.” Jeremy was a little surprised himself. “I’ve never tried to put it into words before.”

Turning back to the wall, Harrison started on the next letter. “You do it splendidly.”

They were interrupted by a knock on the door and Jeremy got up to meet the delivery person. After he’d paid and relocked the door, he carried the bags of food back to the counter, his mouth watering at the smell of hot pasta and garlic bread. “Grub’s up.”

“Great.” Harrison made his way down the ladder and put his equipment on the end of the counter before stretching to relieve the tension in his muscles. Jeremy tried not to stare when the hem of his t-shirt rose to reveal of strip of flat stomach, instead keeping himself busy with opening containers and dishing out plastic cutlery.

Silence fell for a few minutes as they dug into the food with the odd murmur of appreciation.

“You’re good at this,” Jeremy said about halfway through the meal, gesturing to the partially complete wall above their heads. “How did you get started?”

There was a long pause in which Harrison forked up a large piece of chorizo sausage and popped it into his mouth. The timing of it was odd and Jeremy got the impression he did it to give himself time to choose how he would answer. Interesting.

After swallowing, Harrison said, “I had this teacher for a while when I was young. She suggested it as a form of relaxation.” When Jeremy lifted his eyebrows in surprise, Harrison shrugged and added, “What teenage boy doesn’t need to learn how to relax? I was reluctant at first, as you can imagine, but I took to it in the end. Playing with letters, words, shapes. Once I started to get the hang of it I was hooked. Have been ever since.”

“How old were you?”

“Almost fifteen.”

That would have been more than a year after Harrison moved to Australia. He’d said previously he was happy living with his aunty and uncle, but apparently that wasn’t entirely true. “The woman who taught you, was she an art teacher at your high school or something?”

“Not from school, no.” Harrison paused to take a sip of water and choose another answer. “It was more of an extra-curricular thing.”

There was more to the story, a whole lot more, but the topic obviously made Harrison uncomfortable. His discomfort made Jeremy uncomfortable. One part of him wanted to back off in the same way he used to back off when he touched upon a topic which upset Aaron. Another part of him wanted to pry, find out more, in case he needed to protect himself. He took a deep breath and reminded himself Harrison was not Aaron, and they weren’t even in a real relationship. They were just getting to know each other. There was no commitment here. He was not responsible for Harrison’s happiness, only his own.

In the end, he figured the only question he should ask was the one that mattered most. “Did it work?”

Harrison’s gaze rose to meet his. “What do you mean?”

“Did you learn to relax?”

He exhaled, and Jeremy saw his throat move as he swallowed. “It helped.”

“That’s good,” Jeremy said, before he sat up straighter. “Well, I’m glad your teacher, whoever she was, introduced you to your art. Because you write beautifully.”

“And you have a fascination with beautiful writing,” Harrison said, repeating Jeremy’s earlier words.

“Exactly.” Jeremy got up and began to gather their empty food containers.

Harrison followed suit. “The starving artist has been fed,” he said when they were done. “Time to get back to work, but first…”

Jeremy looked up as Harrison stepped around the counter to wrap one arm around his waist. His body moulded to Harrison’s without thought and he couldn’t help the intake of breath that drew the other man’s enticing scent deep into his lungs.

“Thank you.” The words whispered across Jeremy’s cheek before Harrison pressed a kiss there.

“For dinner?” Jeremy said in an overly bright tone. “It’s the least I can do.”

Harrison was not talking about dinner. Jeremy was aware of that, but he couldn’t acknowledge it, not when this connection between them seemed to be deepening with every conversation, every shared emotion. It was more than Jeremy knew how to handle right now, especially when he’d begun to suspect there was trouble in Harrison’s past—the kind that made grown men choose their words carefully.

Jeremy had lived with the consequences of that kind of trouble before, and he wanted nothing to do with it.

CHAPTER 9

“Thanks for driving me home again,” Jeremy said as he unlocked his front door and they went inside. “It beats taking the bus.”

“It’s no problem.” Harrison closed the door behind him. “You don’t own a car?”

Dropping his bag onto the sideboard, Jeremy nodded. “I do, but I bus to work most of the time.” Heading into the kitchen, he filled the kettle with water and put it on to boil. “The store only has one parking space and I let Kat use that for the most part.”

“That’s generous of you.” Harrison followed him into the kitchen and leaned a hip against the counter.

“She’s a good kid and she knows the store inside and out.” Jeremy grabbed mugs from the cupboard above his head and then hunted for the pack of chamomile tea he had in the pantry. He figured Harrison wouldn’t want to drink anything with caffeine at this time of night. “I know I have herbal teabags in here somewhere,” he said, glancing over his shoulder. “Anna brought them over last month when I had the flu. She swore it would make me sleep better. Instead it just made me pee a lot.”

He’d spied the box behind the cereal when strong hands took hold of his waist. “You know I’m not really here for the tea, right?” Harrison murmured in his ear.

Jeremy turned to face him, putting his hands flat on Harrison’s chest. “I know. But with you not working tomorrow, I figured we could take our time, be patient and all that.”

Sliding his fingers under Jeremy’s suspenders, Harrison drew him forward until they were chest to chest. “I am all out of patience.”

A grin spread across Jeremy’s face as he took Harrison’s hands in his. “Thank fuck for that.” He turned off the kettle before leading the way down the hall to the bedroom. Any doubts he’d had earlier in the evening, regarding Harrison’s past and whatever dangers lurked there, were now well and truly overshadowed by the promise of sex. He wanted this man too much to be put off by problems that may or may not show up at a later date.

Any last traces of hesitation scattered when Harrison’s hands curled around his biceps from behind. Jeremy closed his eyes as Harrison kissed the back of his neck while pulling the suspenders from his shoulders. “I have wanted you from the moment I laid eyes on you.” Jeremy shivered at the feel of Harrison’s breath against the shell of his ear. When Harrison pulled his t-shirt free from his waistband, Jeremy lifted his arms, so the material could be tugged over his head. The moment it hit the floor, Harrison’s hands returned, sliding down over his stomach to cup the hard length of his cock through his pants. Harrison chose the same moment to slide his own erection against the curve of Jeremy’s arse, making him gasp in pleasure.

“Who knew,” Jeremy panted, his eyes still closed as he focused his full attention on the movement of Harrison’s wandering hands, “the sight of me selling merchandise could be such a turn on?”

“It wasn’t the merch.” Harrison gripped on to his waist and turned him around until they were facing each other, their eyes meeting in the dim light. “It was your smile,” Harrison told him as he leaned in to brush a soft kiss against Jeremy’s mouth. “It was your energy, the way you moved.” His gaze dipped to follow the path of his hands as they skimmed Jeremy’s bare chest and stomach before sliding around his waist to grab the roundness of his arse in a firm grip. “It was you,” Harrison breathed, descending on Jeremy’s mouth once more.

Jeremy wrapped his arms around Harrison’s neck as he gave himself over to the kiss. They stayed like that for long minutes, tasting and touching each other, their cocks grinding together in mindless need, until the frustration caused by the clothing still between them became too much. Reaching for Harrison’s shirt, Jeremy yanked it up over his head to reveal the broad, muscular expanse of his torso. “Finally,” he said with a grin as he placed his hands flat on Harrison’s chest and felt the thunderous beating of his heart. He leaned forward, lips replacing hands, to taste the salt of Harrison’s skin and lick the pebbled hardness of his nipples. Harrison hissed in a breath, his fingers threading through Jeremy’s hair.

Taking his time, Jeremy continued to explore Harrison with open-mouthed kisses and eager hands. Despite his own desperate need to move things along, he sensed Harrison’s desire to not rush through to the end game. This man knew how to savour an experience, and Jeremy was more than willing to comply.

He dropped to his knees, looking up at Harrison as he reached for the other man’s belt. Their gazes locked, and Jeremy’s dick throbbed at the heat he saw in those brown eyes. Heat… and something deeper, something like affection. The thought warmed Jeremy from the inside.

Though he kept his pace slow, he tugged Harrison’s pants open with hard, rough movements, making the other man’s mouth open and his breathing come in harsh pants. A few more tugs and he’d pulled Harrison’s jeans and boxers down far enough to free the impressive length of his cock.

With a low groan Jeremy leaned closer, pressing his face against the coarse hair of Harrison’s groin and breathing deeply of his unique male scent, before he dragged the broad flat of his tongue up the underside of Harrison’s luscious cock. He was rewarded with a single dewy drop of pre-come when he swirled his tongue around the head. Harrison’s hands tightened in his hair and his thighs trembled with need. After a few more gratuitous licks, Jeremy gave in to the urge to take Harrison deep into his mouth. He sucked long and hard on every inward stroke, his cheeks hollowing in an effort to tighten his hold. Withdrawals became a playground of twists and turns for his eager tongue. Once he was satisfied with the rhythm, Jeremy slid his hands between Harrison’s thighs. Cupping the heavy weight of his sack in one palm, Jeremy used the fingers of the other hand to tease his crease.

Harrison let out a garbled cry of pleasure. The restless motion of his hips told Jeremy that Harrison couldn’t decide what he wanted more, to thrust deeper into Jeremy’s mouth or sink back onto the roaming fingers that edged closer to their goal with each movement. Adding a little extra pressure at each end, Jeremy managed to ease him into a smooth rocking motion that delivered just enough of both options to drive Harrison wild.

Jeremy felt like he’d hit the freaking jackpot. Every noise Harrison made drove him higher. Every moan, every shaky breath. For him, the greatest joys of sex had always been derived from the pleasure he brought to his lover. He would go to any length for another sigh, another muttered curse, and Harrison’s vocal response to his efforts brought him to the edge within minutes.

“Wait.” It took a moment for Jeremy to register the gentle force of Harrison’s hands on his shoulders. “Stop,” the other man gasped.

With a reluctant moan, Jeremy pulled his mouth off the deliciousness that was Harrison’s dick. It bobbed eagerly in front of him and he couldn’t help but give it one last lick with the flat of his tongue. Harrison whimpered, his fingers digging into Jeremy’s shoulders. With a chuckle, Jeremy got back to his feet.

“That was… I mean you’re…” Harrison shook his head as if to clear the fog. “Your mouth should come with a warning label.”

Jeremy grinned as he began shedding what remained of his clothing. “Why thank you, Mr Winters,” he teased. “I’m so glad you approve.”

Harrison’s lips lifted at the corners. To Jeremy it was as prized as the widest of smiles. “Let me show you my approval.”

Following Jeremy’s lead, Harrison kicked off the last of his clothing. When they were both naked, he placed a hand on Jeremy’s chest, urging him back toward the bed. Jeremy clambered onto the covers with more enthusiasm than grace, but he was beyond caring. He wanted this man inside him—now.

“Where do you keep your protection?” Harrison asked.

Jeremy gestured to the bedside table. “Top drawer.”

Harrison dug around in the drawer for a moment before tossing a condom and a tube of lubricant onto the bed. Then, his attention zeroed in on Jeremy once more. Jeremy’s breath caught under the intensity of that gaze and, when he licked his lips, Harrison’s focus shifted to his mouth as if he were ready to devour him. Jeremy only hoped he’d be so lucky.

* * *

Harrison felt the urge to growl in possession of the man beneath him. He wanted to cover every centimetre of Jeremy with bliss until his smile would last forever.

Dropping his hands on either side of Jeremy’s head, Harrison bent his arms, so he could capture his mouth without their bodies touching. Desperate as he was for skin on skin contact, he wanted to draw this out as long as either of them could stand. Jeremy was unlike anyone he’d ever been with before and making love to him was not a pleasure Harrison intended to rush.

When he was satisfied, at last, he’d tasted every variation of Jeremy’s kiss, and savoured every flavour to be had, he began a slow descent. Allowing the restless movements of Jeremy’s body to guide him, he moved down along the column of Jeremy’s neck to the curves of his chest. He flicked his tongue against one hard nipple and Jeremy’s hands gripped on to his biceps as his back arched in pleasure. Contentment purred through Harrison as he repeated the gesture on the other nipple before continuing down across the flat planes of Jeremy’s stomach. Still he held his body apart, allowing only his mouth direct contact.

“Christ,” Jeremy bit out, his eyes closed as his body strained with need. “You’re a fucking sadist.”

Harrison paused briefly before dipping his tongue into Jeremy’s belly button. “Sometimes,” he admitted. “It’s worth it though,” he looked up at Jeremy’s face, “to feel you quake beneath me.” Moving further down the bed, Harrison pushed Jeremy’s knees apart and lay down between his thighs. He allowed himself a moment to take in the sight of Jeremy’s erection, standing proud from a thick nest of dark curls. It was long and straight, satiny smooth and pulsing with desire. “Beautiful,” he murmured, the word a sigh that washed over Jeremy’s aroused flesh, causing him to shudder.

“I’m glad you think it’s pretty,” Jeremy cried out, his voice hoarse with frustration. “Now fucking do something with it.”

Harrison snorted in a show of amusement that took him by surprise. “Temper, temper,” he chastised. Still, he figured it was time to put them both out of their misery.

Lifting himself, he wrapped his lips around Jeremy’s length, sinking down slowly, until the head of Jeremy’s erection nudged the back of his throat. He paused for a moment, swallowing around him, before pulling back up again.

“Holy fuck.” The words dragged out of Jeremy’s mouth slowly, with a low, gritty quality.

Releasing him, Harrison lowered himself once more, nuzzling Jeremy’s balls before taking one between his lips and bathing it with his tongue. He repeated the gesture with the other, his hand grasping on to Jeremy’s shaft and caressing it with slow strokes. Jeremy’s hips moved, setting the pace. It wasn’t until those movements quickened that Harrison backed off, causing the other man to groan in discontent.

Harrison’s mouth returned to Jeremy’s erection, pulling him as far into the back of his throat as possible before each slow, measured release. He’d said he would suck the come right out of Jeremy, and a greedy part of him wanted to do exactly that. But another part of him, a deeper part, wanted more. Harrison wanted to strengthen the newly-forged bond he had with this man in a way a blow job would never achieve. And so, with one last sucking motion that had Jeremy lifting his hips off the bed with a desperate gurgle, Harrison released him.

The journey back up Jeremy’s body was littered with long, wet licks and kisses. By the time their mouths met once more, they were both a mess of aroused nerve-endings and clenching muscle.

“Jeremy,” he whispered between kisses. “I want to be inside you, to feel you around me.”

“Yes,” was the hissed reply. Lifting his head off the pillow, Jeremy took Harrison’s bottom lip between his teeth, biting down gently as he ran his tongue along the length of it before letting go. “I want you, too.”

Reaching out with one hand, Harrison grabbed a foil packet and handed it to his lover. “Put it on me.”

A sensual smile curved Jeremy’s mouth as he accepted the packet and tore it open. He stroked Harrison’s length once, and then again, making him gasp, before rolling the condom over him.

Harrison sat back on his haunches between Jeremy’s spread legs and grabbed the bottle of lubricant.

Squeezing a long line of the clear liquid onto his fingers, he applied a liberal amount to his own shaft before sliding the length of his middle finger along Jeremy’s puckered entrance. Jeremy bucked against him and Harrison placed his free hand on Jeremy’s stomach to hold him down. He watched in fascination as he continued to tease Jeremy with that one middle finger, revelling in the unconscious clench and release of his muscles. Holding his breath, he lifted his gaze to Jeremy’s face before sliding inside. Jeremy’s back arched off the bed as he clamped down on that one invading digit.

“Jeremy.” The name was little more than a groan upon Harrison’s lips as his gaze stayed riveted on the place where Jeremy greedily tried to sink further onto his finger. “I think you’re going to strangle me.”

“Please, Harrison,” Jeremy begged. “Fuck me. Please, fuck me.”

Harrison withdrew his finger and hooked Jeremy’s legs over his shoulders. He used one trembling hand to guide the head of his erection to Jeremy’s opening. When he looked up into the other man’s face, he saw Jeremy watching him from beneath heavy lids. A fine sheen of perspiration covered his face and his mouth was open in silent supplication.

Their eyes held as Harrison pressed forward. Jeremy grunted at his body’s resistance to the larger intrusion. “Harder,” he growled, reaching around his own legs to grip on to Harrison’s hips.

Harrison bent forward to capture Jeremy’s mouth, diving into the heat of his kiss. The new position pushed Jeremy’s knees further up to his chest and this time, when Harrison pushed forward, the head of his shaft slid past the ring of muscle and into Jeremy’s body. They both cried out in relief.

For a long moment, Harrison lay still, not daring to move. His eyes were closed, and his teeth clenched together as he fought for some semblance of control. Jeremy, on the other hand, was a mess of writhing beauty beneath him. The muscles of his tight channel pulsated around Harrison’s erection in rhythmic waves of arousal that threatened to bring about a swift end to their joining. “More,” Jeremy commanded, though his voice was breathy this time.

After a few more deep breaths, Harrison pulled out only to plunge back in. Jeremy gave a long moan as he raked Harrison’s back with blunt nails. Now he’d started to move, Harrison couldn’t stop. Every thrust seated him deeper inside Jeremy’s body, until he’d buried himself to the hilt.

They began to move as one, coming together in a fierce passion. Hands reached and held, fingers dug into straining flesh. Their mouths clung to each other in a fury of kisses and murmured delights. Just as Harrison reached the point of no return, Jeremy reached between them to grasp his own hard length.

A shout of completion tore from Harrison’s throat as he came in a burst of powerful thrusts. Jeremy followed close behind, his body rigid as thick jets of semen shot across his stomach and chest.

They both collapsed back onto the bed in a tangle of limbs, chests heaving as they caught their breath. Harrison wrapped his arms around Jeremy, enjoying the way the other man pressed his face into the curve of his neck to place a kiss there. Jeremy lifted his head, looking down at Harrison with a wicked laugh that was all satisfaction and joy. “Fucking phenomenal,” he stated baldly.

Harrison’s heart swelled, and he found himself smiling back at his new lover, widely and with total abandon. “Phenomenal.”

CHAPTER 10

“I’ve met someone.”

Anna glanced up from squeezing lemon on her grilled barramundi. “That explains it then,” she said with a knowing smile.

Jeremy lifted his eyebrows at her. “Explains what?”

“The look you’ve had on your face ever since you picked me up.” She chewed on a bite of fish while gesturing at him with her fork. “You’re giddier than usual.”

Rolling his eyes, Jeremy cut into his steak. “I am not giddy.”

A sound of disbelief met his statement. “You were born giddy. Giddy and gay, that’s my brother.” Anna seemed delighted with her succinct description of his personality. “Although for the last few years you’ve just been gay. Which is fun in and of itself, but not the same.”

She was referring to his relationship with Aaron, and Jeremy could hardly deny the man had made him miserable, especially in the last couple of years they were together. Anna had been worried about him during that time—especially after he began spending less time with her. Aaron had seen her as a competitor for Jeremy’s affections and had come to resent any time Jeremy spent with his sister.

For a long time, Jeremy had stood firm, continuing to see Anna regularly even though she and Aaron didn’t get along. She wasn’t just family, she was his best friend. He couldn’t not spend time with her. But Aaron had worn him down in the months after he opened Fandom. He’d been working constantly, getting the store up and running, and Aaron had been by his side, using the knowledge gained from his business degree to help Jeremy every step of the way. So, when Aaron insisted any free time Jeremy had should be spent with him—and only him—it had seemed like the right thing to do. He’d agreed to see Anna less often, but that hadn’t been enough.

He and Aaron had begun to argue every time Jeremy suggested they invite Anna over, or made plans to see her. Aaron claimed Jeremy was taking him for granted. That he was ungrateful. He didn’t care that Anna’s dislike made it uncomfortable for Aaron to be around her. Surely Jeremy knew how hard it was for him to be around people he didn’t know or trust after the way he’d grown up. How could Jeremy want to hurt him like that? They were supposed to be in love, they were supposed to take care of each other. Every word had hit Jeremy in the gut, increasing the weight of his guilt until he would have done anything to keep the peace.

He’d stopped returning Anna’s calls. When she showed up at the store, he fobbed her off with lame excuses about being too busy to see her. Eventually, he’d even stopped listening to her voicemails because it hurt to hear her pleading with him. One day he realised he hadn’t spoken to his sister in over three months—and he’d missed her birthday. That night he packed his bags and left. It wasn’t the first time he’d walked out on Aaron, but it was the last time. When Anna had opened the door to find him on her doorstep, she’d thrown her arms around him and told him everything would be okay.

“Personally,” she added now, oblivious to the dark nature of his thoughts, “I’m tickled pink to see the giddy back in the gay.”

Jeremy gave her a smile, grateful to have her back in his life. “How the hell did you say that without tying your tongue in knots?”

Anna gave him a cheeky grin. “You don’t want to know about my talented tongue.”

He burst out laughing. “You’re right, I don’t.”

“So, tell me about your new man.” She sat forward, her eyes wide with curiosity.

Jeremy gave her the usual details. Where they met. What Harrison did for a living. The lettering he’d been doing in the store. Work on the wall had come to a halt while Harrison was occupied with night work for the security company, but that was due to finish in another couple of days. Meanwhile, they’d talked on the phone every day they couldn’t see each other, and they’d already made plans for Harrison to continue working on the wall the following Wednesday night. “He’s an amazing artist,” Jeremy told his sister. “You’ll have to come and see the wall when it’s done.”

“I’d love to.” Picking up her glass of white wine, she skipped to the question she’d obviously been dying to ask. “Is he cute?”

“Hotter than the freaking sun,” he told her. “I swear to God, Anna, he’s so beautiful I could stare at him for days. And his accent…” His eyes rolled back in his head at the thought. “He was born in England and still has those last traces of the accent. It’s like he’s trying to seduce me every time he opens his mouth. And his body…” Jeremy fell back in his chair with a groan, “un-fucking-believable.”

“Holy crap, you’re completely gone over this guy.” Anna laughed at his enthusiasm. “Any more details and I might have to stick my fingers in my ears.”

“Sorry about that.” Jeremy straightened in his chair, his cheeks heating. “I got a bit carried away there.”

“No kidding,” she said with a grin. “He sounds perfect. When do I get to meet him?”

Jeremy shook his head. “Not yet. We’re not in a ‘relationship,’” he said, using air quotes to emphasis the word. “We’re just getting to know each other. It’s a casual thing.”

Frowning, Anna tilted her head to one side. “I got the impression you really like him, what with the babbling about his hot bod and all.”

“I do like him,” he assured her. “But I don’t want to rush into anything. And I don’t want to go getting attached until I know more about him.”

“That sounds fair,” she said, though her scepticism was obvious. “Now tell me what’s wrong with him?”

Jeremy gave her an exasperated look.

“There’s obviously something going on,” she said, returning the look. “Now spill.”

Sighing, Jeremy gave her a shrug. “I don’t know yet. Maybe nothing.” He didn’t want to have to spell it out, but she sat there in silence, staring at him. “He’s got some odd quirks and I don’t know what to make of them.”

Anna narrowed her eyes as she munched on a hot chip. “What sort of quirks?”

“It’s little things mostly.” He pushed his plate away, having lost his appetite. “He doesn’t drink, I’ve never heard him swear. And he has this rule about sleeping for eight hours every night, like he’ll turn into the hulk if he misses his allocated shuteye.”

“And if you feed him after midnight does he turn into a gremlin?” she asked.

Jeremy cringed. “If he does I wouldn’t know. We have yet to be together into the wee hours.”

“He hasn’t spent the night?”

“Not yet.” After they’d had sex that first night they’d laid in Jeremy’s bed for nearly an hour, talking in low tones and exploring each other with gentle hands. Then, as Jeremy’s eyelids grew heavy, Harrison got up and started to dress. Jeremy hadn’t asked him to stay, hadn’t said anything at all. Instead, he’d pulled on a pair of pants and walked Harrison to the front door. They’d kissed, their arms wrapped tight around each other as they said good night, and then Harrison went home. The scene had been repeated two more times since that night and neither of them had made any attempt to alter the ending.

“You’re not going to try and tell me you two haven’t done the nasty, are you?” Anna gave him an appalled look. “He’s not a prude, is he?”

I’m going to suck the come right out of you.

“Definitely not,” Jeremy assured her, remembering his body’s response to Harrison’s statement. He’d never come so hard from a hand job in his life. “In fact, I’ve never heard a man use so many clean words in filthy ways.”

“Oh, I like the sound of that.” Anna giggled in delight. “Nothing you’ve said so far seems to indicate a problem. Give me something juicy or I’ll tell you to stop being an idiot.”

Taking a deep breath, Jeremy prepared to lay all his cards on the table and see what Anna made of them. “He hardly ever talks about his past and when he does it’s like he’s giving me some censored version of the truth. And the man never laughs, Anna—ever. He has this incredible sense of humour, but I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve even seen him smile.” He’d started babbling again but stopping seemed beyond his capability. “What if he’s hiding something? What if he’s as fucked up as Aaron ever was, except I don’t know it yet?” Resting his elbows on the table, he clasped his hands together in front of his mouth. “I can’t get caught up in someone else’s trauma again. I can’t handle it.”

He stopped, waiting for Anna’s reaction. The expression on her face told him he was a crazy person, and maybe she was right. But, then again, maybe she wasn’t. “I need to know more before we go any further,” he told her. “I need to protect myself.”

Anna’s expression gentled as she reached out to cover his hand with her own. “I’ll admit the lack of smiling and laughing sounds a bit odd. But Jeremy, honey, are you sure you aren’t seeing monsters where there’s only shadows?” she suggested. “No one gets to adulthood without collecting at least some baggage along the way and Harrison isn’t going to be any different. That doesn’t mean he’s going to be anything like Aaron. Unless…” She paused for a moment, as if an unsavoury idea had occurred to her. “He is nice to you, isn’t he?”

Jeremy’s gaze dropped, and he flushed at the thought Anna felt it necessary to ask such a question. But she’d witnessed the depths he’d fallen to in the name of loving Aaron. She, more than anyone else, had the right to ask. “Yes, he’s nice to me,” he assured her. “He’s amazing.”

“Isn’t that what’s important?” Anna said with a relieved smile. “I’m not telling you to rush into anything with Harrison. A month from now you might realise he’s not the one for you. All I’m saying is, I want you to be happy and this is the happiest I’ve seen you in years. You deserve to have some fun for a change and if Harrison gives you that, why not go for it?”

Jeremy wanted to go for it. Despite the quirks and the suspicious hesitations, being around Harrison made Jeremy feel alive. Their personalities seemed to complement each other in a way Jeremy had never experienced before, even with Aaron. Not to mention, every time they got within reaching distance the very air between them ignited with sexual energy. The strength of his desire to be with Harrison, to draw him closer in every way, scared the crap out of him.

“You’re probably right and Harrison is probably an average guy with average problems,” Jeremy said, raking his hands through his hair. “But what if he’s not? If he turns out to be anything like Aaron, I’m out. I don’t care how much I like him. I’m not going to make that mistake again.”

“This isn’t about Aaron,” Anna insisted. “This is about you and what you want. That man allowed what happened to him as a kid to spread through him like cancer. It infected everything around him, including you. If you want to avoid repeating a mistake, avoid that one,” she added. “Don’t allow what Aaron did to you, to infect what you could have with Harrison or anyone else.”

Jeremy was taken aback by Anna’s perspective of the situation. Was that what he was doing? Searching for trauma in Harrison’s past when in fact there was only the usual obstacles that came with every human life? Was he allowing his own past traumas with Aaron to hold him back?

He’d insisted on staying single these past few months because he’d believed it was the right thing to do. At first that had been true, he was sure of it. The decision had stopped him from falling into any number of superficial flings with men who had shown nothing more than a passing interest in him.

It wasn’t until he locked eyes with Harrison that day at the Comic-Con he’d felt a true stirring of attraction. Despite his words to the contrary, nothing about their relationship so far felt casual—and he was no longer sure he wanted it to be. Maybe it was time to put aside his solitude and take a chance on someone new. Harrison Winters, with his quirks and rules and hidden emotions, was a man worth the risk.

CHAPTER 11

“We’ll definitely finish this part tonight.” Harrison paused, paintbrush still in hand, as he surveyed their work. They’d placed ladders at either end of the wall, using them to support a thick plank of wood for standing on. It wasn’t the safest scaffolding in the world, but they weren’t far off the ground either. Side by side, they’d been painting for about an hour and a half, breaking only to eat a quick dinner. “I’ll need one more night to make it look pretty,” Harrison added. “After that, your feature wall will be complete.”

Jeremy finished filling the bottom of a capital I with white paint before he responded. “It’s going to be awesome. I can’t wait to see how my customers react to the finished product.”

“You’ll have to let me know how it goes.” Dipping his brush into the tin of paint, Harrison turned his gaze back to the letter in front of him, though his attention was locked on the man at his side. “After all, I won’t have a valid reason to come around here anymore.”

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Jeremy stop what he was doing to look at him. “No reason?” he asked. “Not even one?”

“Oh, I’ve got plenty of personal reasons to be here,” Harrison assured him. “But you have to remember, I used this job as a way to get my foot in the door with a man who claimed not to be on the market.” He glanced sideways at Jeremy, who watched him with an intense expression, that bottom lip caught firmly between his teeth. “Of course, if he’s had a change of heart,” he gave a nonchalant shrug, “that would be different.”

Jeremy’s lips quirked at the corners as he went back to his painting. “What if he did decide to put himself back on the market? What would you do?”

“I’d ask him out on a date,” Harrison said without hesitation, “before someone else beat me to it.”

A quiet hum of consideration was the only response.

Silence fell as they returned to their work, filling each letter Harrison had outlined with a coat of white paint. Jeremy had seemed thrilled when Harrison suggested he could help with this part if he wanted to. At first, Jeremy had expressed concern about his lack of artistic skill, but he’d approached the task with such diligence and care, Harrison soon felt that lift return to the corners of his mouth. He was getting used to the idea of smiling without thought or effort, though so far only Jeremy inspired the spontaneous motion.

That was why he’d felt compelled to mention the upcoming completion of their project. Despite the fact they’d started having sex, Jeremy had yet to say anything about what would happen after the wall was done. The man had his reasons for holding back and Harrison didn’t want to push, but he couldn’t discount the possibility their time together was running out. The idea was a persistent irritation at the back of Harrison’s mind. To lose Jeremy now would be like getting a glimpse of sunlight for the first time, only to be plunged back into darkness.

Harrison could survive darkness. He’d done it before. But he hoped, truly hoped this time, his future might be brighter than he’d imagined.

“I never did tell you how I ended up homeless on my sister’s doorstep, did I?”

The topic seemed to come out of nowhere, but Harrison knew better. There was a tension in Jeremy now that hadn’t been there before. His hand had acquired a slight tremor that threatened the upper curve of the S he was working on.

Reaching out, Harrison took hold of Jeremy’s wrist to prevent further damage. “You don’t have to tell me anything,” he said. “Your past is your business, not anyone else’s.” A convenient truth he used when he was reluctant to share his own secrets, but a truth he believed nonetheless.

“That would be true if the past stayed where it belonged.” Jeremy looked at the wobbly line he’d painted before releasing a heavy sigh. “I’m messing it up.”

Harrison took a step closer on the wooden plank. “It’s nothing that can’t be fixed.” Using his own brush, he retraced the line Jeremy had painted, smoothing out the bumps. “See? All better.” Returning to his own position, he started working on another letter. “You were saying?”

There was a long pause, and then, “The first time I stayed with Anna was when I broke up with my boyfriend, Aaron. We’d been living together, so her couch became home for a while. That was about seven months ago now.” Jeremy stared at the wall, his paintbrush held limply in one hand. “It wasn’t what you’d call a healthy relationship.”

“How so?” Harrison kept his movements slow and even as he listened.

“I kind of got lost in it.” The words seemed to be coming more freely now, and Jeremy reloaded his brush and started working again. “Aaron had a pretty messed up childhood. Neglect, foster care, lots of moving around, that kind of thing. It left a lot of scars, the kind you can’t see. You know what I mean?”

Harrison froze, one hand still in the air. Yeah, he knew all about those kinds of scars. Not trusting his voice to speak without cracking, he gave Jeremy a nod of understanding.

“It wasn’t until after I left him that I understood how bad we were for each other. He was possessive and demanding, and I was… compliant.” The word was charged with a heavy dose of self-contempt. “He took everything I had to give and then got pissed at me when I failed to give more.” Jeremy’s throat moved as he swallowed, his usual joviality stripped away to reveal the part of him that was intimate with sorrow. “I let him treat me like crap because I wanted to save him, make him better. But nothing ever worked.” Jeremy looked up and their gazes met. “Some people can’t be fixed, no matter how hard you try.”

Harrison recognised the guilt on Jeremy’s face. He’d both felt and caused that kind of guilt at different times in his life, and he knew the futility of it from both sides. “How long were you together?”

“Six years.”

Harrison tried not to flinch at the answer. That length of time, in that sort of relationship, spoke of the kind of loyalty that bordered on martyrdom. “Six years is a long time.”

“Too fucking long,” Jeremy agreed, huffing out a breath. “When I love someone, I would do anything for them. Now I realise that’s not always a good thing. I need to take care of myself, too. I didn’t do that when I was with Aaron. That’s why I decided, a couple of months after I left, I needed to spend some time on my own. Sort myself out, you know?”

“Yeah.” Harrison swallowed, trying to clear the lump in his throat, before he spoke again. “And now?”

The slightest hint of a smile tugged at Jeremy’s lips. “I don’t want to be alone anymore, but I think I still need to be careful who I spend time with. I can’t trust myself enough to be around people who are…”

“Damaged?” Harrison finished for him.

Nodding, Jeremy bit down on his lips, as if getting up the courage to say what came next. “Aaron’s pain brought out the parts of me that were willing to hurt myself to make him happy. I don’t ever want to hurt myself like that again.”

Harrison heard the question Jeremy was asking, though he never said the words out loud. Am I safe with you?

And in that moment, the truth hit him—he shouldn’t be here. He should leave, right now, without finishing the wall, without so much as a backward glance on his way out the door. He should pack up his equipment and walk away. Because the answer was always going to be no.

He tried to move, but his body seemed frozen in place.

When he finally found more words, he said, “I don’t need you to fix me, Jeremy. I can take care of myself.” Those words were true. He’d worked too hard to even consider handing responsibility for his life over to someone else. The lie he told was born of the words he kept to himself. That doesn’t mean I’m not broken.

Jeremy heard only the assurances, and the relief on his face was instantaneous. “Well then,” he said, releasing a breathy laugh, “maybe this wall won’t be the end of us, after all.”

Every black and twisted name Harrison had ever heard spew from his father’s mouth screamed through his mind. He cursed his own selfish hide for wanting a man who would never want him back—not if he knew the truth. Harrison wasn’t just damaged, he was the kind of damaged that cracked all the way to the bone. If Jeremy saw that side of him, he would run. Or worse, he would fall back into old patterns of care taking and pointless sacrifice.

Everything about him was wrong for Jeremy—especially for Jeremy.

Still, he didn’t move.

“Fuck, I’m so sorry.” Jeremy turned away as he put the paintbrush down and wiped his hands on a rag. “I didn’t mean to get all intense on you.”

“Don’t be sorry.” Harrison watched the play of emotions on Jeremy’s face as he resurfaced from his memories. “I wanted to know.”

Face flushing, Jeremy started to make his way down one of the ladders. “I’m going to make some tea,” he said in an overly bright voice. “It’s good for the soul. You want some?”

“Sure.” Harrison watched as Jeremy headed for the door to the back room, where he paused for a moment to look over his shoulder.

“That stung like a bitch,” he said, his grin making a reappearance. “But I’m happy I told you.”

There was that word again. The one Harrison would never get to touch. Happy.

Forcing a smile onto his face, Harrison nodded. “Same here.”

After Jeremy left the room, Harrison looked down at the plank of wood holding him more than a metre in the air. He’d been using the same plank for a long time and he trusted it to support his weight. But he had to be careful. If he added too much stress, the wood would crack under the pressure and he would fall. In the same way, he’d been using his rules to support his mind for so long they’d become second nature. They weren’t infallible though, and there were times when they failed to keep him aloft. It was a balancing act he’d been living his entire adult life—precarious and unpredictable. What right did he have to subject Jeremy to that kind of turmoil after everything he’d already been through? Tendrils of doubt crept around the back of Harrison’s mind, searching for a way in, telling him this couldn’t work. He’d lose his footing eventually and when he did, he’d drag Jeremy down with him.

With quickened pulse and sweaty palms, Harrison stared down at the wood beneath his feet. He didn’t feel secure, not anymore. One wrong move, and he’d lose his balance. One wrong move, and he’d fall.

CHAPTER 12

“There has to be something more I can do.” The words leapt out of Harrison’s mouth the moment he stepped through the door.

Dr Laurel Kay watched him pace around her office for a moment before she said, “You could start by taking a seat.”

Coming to a halt, Harrison took in the older woman’s raised eyebrows and nodded. “Right, sorry.” He lowered himself into the armchair opposite her, though he stayed perched on the edge of the plush cushion, his legs twitching with suppressed energy.

“That’s a little bit better,” Laurel conceded as she sat forward in her chair. “I haven’t seen you in a long time, Harrison.”

“Almost two years,” he confirmed, wishing it had been longer. “Thanks for squeezing me in so quickly.”

“No problem,” she said. “How have you been?”

“Green, mostly.” His words made her smile widen and he rubbed his hands over his face. “I mean good. I’ve been good.”

“Hey, it’s nice to know some of my methods stand the test of time.” Relaxing back into her chair, she lifted her chin at him. “What brings you back?”

Harrison mirrored her position, hoping to convey an equal level of calm, though inside he was on the verge of a meltdown. “I wanted to touch base, see if there are any new research developments, maybe some new protective factors that have been found since the last time I saw you.”

“I see.” She tilted her head to one side, a sure sign she wasn’t buying what he was selling. “Are the ones you’ve been using not doing their job?”

“They are,” he assured her. “But I figure it makes sense to keep up with the latest research.”

“True,” she said with a slow nod. “I read an interesting article the other day about the link between omega-3 fatty acids and—”

“I already eat fish twice a week.” Harrison waved a dismissive hand. “I need something new, something more.”

Laurel gave him that look, the one that said she now had enough ammunition to start messing with his head. “Harrison, how many rules do you currently have in place?”

And here he was about to give her more ammunition. “Fifteen.”

“Wow.” Her mouth held that O shape for a long time, as if she was genuinely surprised. She wasn’t. “You didn’t even have to think about that.”

“You know I don’t like to leave anything to chance.” He gestured to her with one hand. “You gave me most of them.”

“I gave those rules to a fourteen-year-old boy who was desperate for a way to gain some control over his life,” she said, pointing a finger at him. “You’re in a different place now, you’re a different person. The rules we put in place can continue to help you support your mental health, of course they can, but they aren’t a cure.”

“I know that.” He gave her an exasperated look. “There is no cure for what’s inside me, I get it. But there must be a way to contain it.”

“Contain it?” she repeated with a laugh. “That sounds great, but I’m all out of magical lock boxes. Your depression can’t be contained, Harrison, it can only be managed.”

Frowning, he sat back in the chair and crossed his arms.

“I know you don’t like me using that word but avoiding it doesn’t change your diagnosis,” she said, unrepentant. “You’ve done an excellent job of managing your depressive episodes for a long time now—”

“That’s not good enough anymore.” He shook his head, holding his hands up in denial. “I have to stay healthy.”

Pressing her lips together, Laurel frowned at him. “How long has it been since your last episode?”

“Ten months,” he replied. “It’s the longest I’ve ever lasted, the rules are working I just… I have to stay on top of it.”

“For him?” she asked, a knowing gleam in her eyes.

Harrison wasn’t surprised she’d figured out the real problem, she was good at that. “Yes.”

Laurel had known he was gay nearly as long as he had. She was the first person he’d talked to about his orientation. It had taken a year and a half of therapy before he’d trusted her enough to say the words. She was one of the few people in his life who had never let him down and he trusted her opinion implicitly.

The faint lines around Laurel’s eyes crinkled as she smiled at him. “What’s he like?”

“His name is Jeremy,” he told her. “He is everything that’s good about the world wrapped up in a person.”

Laurel watched him closely for a moment before she nodded. “I’m glad you’ve met someone you think so highly of,” she said. “Does he feel the same way about you?”

Harrison remembered the expression on Jeremy’s face when he’d declared finishing the wall didn’t have to be the end of their time together. The man had been radiant. “So far, so good.”

“Then why the sudden panic?” she asked.

“It’s not panic,” he insisted.

“Isn’t it?” Laurel pinned him with the stare that had always demanded he rethink his last words. “When you walked in here you were letting anxiety do your talking for you. Don’t try to deny it.”

Harrison sat forward once more, determined to make her understand. “I’m telling you, I can’t have a relapse, Laurel.”

“And I’m telling you, adding more rules to your ever-growing list is not going to stop that from happening.” She clasped her hands together as she spoke. “The anxiety you’re feeling? The fear of losing what you’ve found? That’s the real danger here.”

“So, what do I do?” he asked, throwing his hands in the air. “There has to be something I can do.”

“Let’s sidestep for a moment.”

The moment the words left her mouth Harrison fell back into his chair with a groan. “Not this again.” Laurel always wanted to sidestep when he became hyper-focused. It never boded well for whatever goal he was determined to reach at the time.

“Tell me something,” she began, “why is it so important you don’t relapse?”

Harrison balked at the question. “Why do I want to stay healthy? Are you kidding me?”

“No, I’m not kidding you. We both worked incredibly hard to get you to a place where you were able to work with your diagnosis instead of fighting against it. Since then, your episodes have decreased in frequency and severity. Now suddenly you want to default to some kind of ‘put a lid on it and hope it goes away’ approach? I want to know why.” She stared down her nose at him and damned if he didn’t feel like a fourteen-year-old kid again.

Harrison sighed. He should have known he’d never manage to escape this room without spilling his guts. “Jeremy’s ex-boyfriend had a traumatic childhood and because of that he hurt Jeremy—badly. So, Jeremy would prefer not to get involved with anyone who has a similar background.” He cleared his throat before he added the clincher. “Damaged people aren’t good for him.”

Laurel didn’t react to his confession, not visibly anyway. “You’re telling me Jeremy doesn’t know about any of this?” She gestured to the room they were in. “About your mother, the struggles you’ve gone through, the challenges you face on a daily basis?”

“Of course not. We’ve known each other less than a month,” he told her. “So, no, I haven’t used ‘My mother tried to kill me’ as a conversation starter. Being a mental case isn’t my most attractive feature.”

“Oh, sarcasm. I must have hit a nerve,” Laurel said, throwing his own tone back at him. “You’re concerned when Jeremy finds out who you really are, you’ll lose him.”

Harrison glanced down at his clasped hands and saw white knuckles. “He wouldn’t be the first to walk away from the freak show.”

“Language, dear.”

The gentle reprimand made his gaze return to Laurel. He rolled his eyes at the expectant look on her face. “He wouldn’t be the first to walk away from the high-functioning survivor with the manageable mental illness.”

That garnered him a smile. “Much better.”

Dropping his head between his shoulders, Harrison pushed his fingers through his short hair. “If I tell him what happened to me, it will ruin everything.”

“It will ruin everything?” she questioned. “It might ruin something? It could ruin nothing?” She lifted her eyebrows at him. “So many possibilities.”

“Yeah, yeah,” he conceded. “I get the point.”

“You should know better than to catastrophize in my office,” she said with a light chuckle, before turning serious once more. “I’m not suggesting you should dump your life story on him all at once. But it is possible to share parts of yourself, a little bit at a time, and see what happens.” She paused to let him think on that for a moment before adding, “If he doesn’t know all the different parts of you, what kind of relationship can the two of you possibly have anyway?”

“The kind where I don’t hurt him?” he suggested.

Laurel frowned, tutting as she slowly shook her head. “You’re hiding from him, Harrison. That will hurt both of you in the end.” She leaned forward in her chair. “All right then, what’s the worst thing that could happen here?”

“I tell him everything, and I lose him.”

“It is one of the many possibilities,” she said with a nod. “What would happen next?”

He rested his clasped hands against his mouth as he sat forward over his knees. “It would hurt like hell.”

“But you and hurt are old friends. You would survive the hurt and move forward. You always do.” She straightened in her chair to look him dead in the eye. “What’s the best thing that could happen?”

He could fall in love with me, the way I’m falling in love with him. Harrison didn’t voice the thought. It was too surreal, too incredible. But it was there, like sunshine in his mind.

“Well, I’ll be damned.” There was a level of awe in Laurel’s voice he’d never heard before. Not in all the years he’d known her.

“What?” he asked.

“Harrison,” she said, her eyes sparkling. “You have a beautiful smile.”

CHAPTER 13

The wall was finished, and Harrison still hadn’t asked him out on a date. Jeremy didn’t know what to make of that. Except maybe Harrison didn’t want to ask him out anymore.

He ran his gaze over the wall. Every quote they’d chosen that first night was up there, the font of each specific to the words. Harrison had added dozens of tiny details. A tiny blue box here, the jagged edge of a lightning bolt there. A plethora of hidden messages only fans who belonged to the different fandoms would be able to decipher. “It’s a masterpiece,” he said, satisfaction humming through his veins. “I love it, Harrison.”

“Good. I’m glad.” Harrison didn’t look up as he replied. The man had hardly said a word all night. Jeremy told himself it was because Harrison was concentrating on putting the finishing touches on the wall. But those touches were done now, and the awkward silence had yet to lift.

Folding up the final drop cloth, Jeremy watched Harrison pack up the last of his equipment. Maybe he was waiting until he had everything put away and the job was officially complete. Then, he’d make a crack about no longer being under Jeremy’s employ, so now he could hit on the boss. As the boss in question, Jeremy most definitely wanted to be hit on. But more than that, he wanted to go on a real date, damn it. Harrison had said he would ask him out if he was back on the market, and Jeremy had said he was back on the market. Well, maybe he hadn’t used those exact words but… it had been close enough. Hadn’t it?

Oh, shit. What if Harrison believed he didn’t want the date?

“I’m going to lug this stuff out to the car,” Harrison said as he slung a bag over each shoulder. “Then, I’ll come back for the rest.”

Jeremy rushed forward to grab the box Harrison was bending over to retrieve. “Let me help.” They reached for it at the same time and ended up lifting it together. Harrison’s fingers were covering his when they straightened, and the simple touch went straight to Jeremy’s cock. He would have stepped forward until their bodies were pressed together, but the box had become an unwelcome obstacle between them. Instead, Jeremy had to settle for catching Harrison’s gaze and holding on tight. Ask me. Ask me. Ask me.

Harrison let go, dropping his hands to his sides. “Thanks,” he said with a curt nod before he turned and headed for the door.

With a reluctant sigh, Jeremy followed.

The car was parked right in front of the store and they made quick work of loading the bags and box into the boot. “Do you need a ride home?” Harrison asked as he closed the lid.

“No.” Jeremy shook his head. “I was running late this morning, so I drove in. But thanks anyway.”

There was a beat of heavy staring before Harrison stepped past him and back up onto the footpath. “Do you have any plans for the weekend?”

Jeremy’s heart rate spiked at the question. “I’ll be here at the store tomorrow until four, but after that I have the rest of the weekend to myself.” They wandered back into the store, so Harrison could collect the last of his belongings.

When Harrison failed to say more, Jeremy decided he’d rather risk rejection than watch Harrison walk out the door and forever wonder if he could have done something to stop it. “You see, there’s this guy,” he said in an offhand way, “and I’m hoping he’ll ask me out on a date now I’m back on the market,” he emphasised the last words, so as to be crystal clear. “He’s um, he’s a total stud.” Harrison glanced up at his joke, but he didn’t smile.

Disappointment flooded Jeremy’s body. Dropping his gaze to the floor, he shoved his hands into his pockets. “But I told him some stuff that didn’t paint me in the best light so… as it turns out, I may not be the kind of man he’s looking for.” If being with Aaron hadn’t emasculated him enough, the possibility Harrison might see him differently because of it threatened to finish the job.

“What are you talking about?” There was a sharp ring of disbelief in Harrison’s voice and then he was there, drawing Jeremy into a kiss. It was nothing more than a press of lips, almost chaste, but it held a vast longing that tugged at Jeremy’s insides. Harrison’s forehead pressed against his when he spoke again. “I want to be that man who asks you out, more than anything.”

“Then, what are you waiting for?” Gripping on to the sides of Harrison’s shirt, Jeremy pulled him closer.

Wariness filled Harrison’s eyes. “Are you sure this is what you want?”

Jeremy frowned in confusion. He was practically tearing Harrison’s shirt off in anticipation and Harrison thought him ambivalent? “Perhaps you haven’t been getting enough sleep,” he teased, “because you don’t seem to be doing a very good job of reading my emotions right now.” He pushed Harrison backward until his path was blocked by a tall set of shelves. “Maybe I should be more obvious.” He yanked Harrison’s shirt up out of his pants and slipped his hands underneath.

“It’s just that I understand your decision to be careful who you get involved with after what you went through with your ex.” Harrison gasped as Jeremy’s hands flattened out around his ribcage, but he didn’t stop talking. “You’re trying to learn from your mistakes and I have a lot of respect for that.”

“That’s sweet.” Jeremy bent down to run the tip of his tongue over Harrison’s left nipple before he straightened. “I respect you, too.” He snaked one hand between them to cup Harrison’s hardening erection. “All of you.”

“I mean it, Jeremy.” Harrison’s fingers gripped on to the hand that had been about to find its way into his pants. “I don’t want to mess things up for you, more than I already have.”

“But I’m glad you messed it up.” Jeremy kissed a path along Harrison’s jaw before pulling back to look into his eyes. “I don’t want to hide anymore, shutting myself off from the world and pretending it’s good for me.” The way Harrison’s eyes locked on to his told him some part of what he said had gotten through.

“I don’t want to hide either,” Harrison murmured. “Not from you.”

“We’re in agreement then.” Licking his lips, Jeremy leaned in to brush them against Harrison’s. The other man’s eyes closed on a sigh and Jeremy could see his resistance giving way. “You still make me feel good, Harrison,” he whispered, their mouths never truly parting. “And I want more of us.”

Warm arms wrapped around him as Harrison drew him into an embrace. He buried his face in the curve of Jeremy’s neck for a long moment, inhaling deeply, before he drew back. “In that case,” he said, his voice thick with emotion, “I would like to invite you over to my place for dinner tomorrow night. What do you say?”

Smiling, Jeremy held on tighter as he replied, “I think you have yourself a date.”

CHAPTER 14

Jeremy’s heart thudded against his chest as he knocked on Harrison’s front door. Why was he so nervous? It wasn’t like they hadn’t already eaten dinner together multiple times before. The only difference tonight was they’d tagged the word ‘date’ on to the event—all official like. That was no reason for his stomach to be in knots.

The door opened and one look into Harrison’s eyes told him he wasn’t the only one having a little mental freak-out. Somehow, the knowledge made him feel better.

“Hey, come on in.” Harrison stood aside so Jeremy could enter. “You look different without your eyeliner,” he said, gesturing to Jeremy’s face.

“Different better? Or different worse?” he teased, not having expected Harrison to notice. Glancing down at his outfit, he tugged at the black button up shirt he wore with blue jeans. Harrison had only ever seen him in his work clothes and he’d wanted to look nice for their date.

“I am a fan of the eyeliner,” Harrison admitted. “But this is good, too.”

As the door closed behind them, Jeremy drew his hand from behind his back to reveal a bouquet of flowers he’d picked up from a roadside florist on the way over. “These are for you.”

Harrison stared at the flowers for a moment before his face broke out into the biggest smile Jeremy had ever seen there. “Thank you. They’re beautiful.” Reaching out, he took the bouquet, leaning in to smell the bright floral arrangement. “I’ve never had a date show up with flowers before.”

Jeremy was overcome by pleasure at the idea of being Harrison’s first for anything. “Yeah well, anyone who says a man can’t enjoy flowers is a wanker.” He held up his other hand now to display a clear plastic bottle. “Normally I’d also bring wine, but for you I went all out.”

Reading the label, Harrison raised his eyebrows. “Strawberry-infused water,” he said, sounding highly impressed. “That’s some top shelf liquid refreshment.”

Jeremy winked at him. “Only the best for you.”

Harrison wrapped a hand around the back of his neck and pulled him in for a kiss. “Jeremy, you are all class.”

They headed into the kitchen where a heavenly scent made Jeremy’s mouth water. “Whatever you’re cooking smells divine.”

“I’m glad you think so.” Harrison opened a low cupboard and searched inside to produce a tall water jug to hold the flowers. Jeremy probably should have thought of that. Not too many single men owned vases. “I hope you like lasagne.”

Jeremy couldn’t help but give a chuckle at the coincidence. “Yes, I do.”

“What’s so funny?” Harrison asked.

“Nothing,” he said, shaking his head. “It’s just, the last time a man cooked me lasagne I got laid.”

Harrison’s eyes narrowed as he took a step closer. “Allow me to wipe all memory of said man from your mind.” He tugged Jeremy against him, sliding his hands around his waist, then lower as he pressed their hips together.

Jeremy sighed in pleasure as Harrison’s tongue delved into his mouth, teasing and taunting until he was breathless. By the time Harrison released him, Jeremy was sporting a boner to rival the Eiffel-freaking-Tower. “When it comes to you,” he gasped, “anything is possible.”

“Good.” Harrison backed up and picked a bottle of wine up off the counter. “I bought this for you. The woman at the liquor store said it would be a good match with dinner. Would you like a glass?”

Jeremy was baffled. “Sure,” he said with a shrug. “I’d love one.” He watched Harrison take two wine goblets out of the cupboard. “You didn’t need to do that. I would have been happy with water.”

Harrison shrugged. “Just because I don’t drink doesn’t mean you shouldn’t. Besides,” he turned the cap on the bottle, breaking the seal with a crack. “I’m going to enjoy the taste of it on your tongue.” He half-filled one goblet with the wine before opening the bottled water Jeremy had brought to fill the other. When they both had a glass in hand he lifted his own between them. “Cheers.”

They clinked and drank. The deep, fruity flavour rolled over Jeremy’s tongue and he hummed in appreciation. Harrison leaned in, licking the remains of the wine from his lips before slipping inside for a more thorough taste. “Delicious.”

That was the point where curiosity won out over discretion. “I’d wondered if you didn’t drink because you didn’t like the taste, or perhaps because you liked the taste too much. Now I’m thinking it’s neither,” Jeremy said, narrowing his eyes in frank speculation. “It’s another rule, isn’t it? Like the sleeping for eight hours thing.”

A shrill buzzing filled the small kitchen, and Harrison turned toward the oven without answering the question. “Dinner’s ready.”

They spent the next hour enjoying the meal. The glass of wine helped take care of Jeremy’s nerves, though he stopped after the second glass. He was not ready for a stone-cold sober Harrison to see him tipsy yet.

“Can I ask you a personal question?” he asked, scooping up a bite of the apple pie and cream Harrison had served for dessert.

Harrison’s own spoon stilled halfway to his mouth, before lowering back to the bowl. “Of course. You can ask me anything.”

The relaxed man of a moment ago had taken on the look of someone about to start a long walk to the gallows and Jeremy considered backing off. He had no interest in playing executioner, but he did want to start unravelling the mystery surrounding Harrison background, and there was only one way to do that. “What’s the deal with the rules? I mean, where did they come from?” He cringed as he leaned closer. “Please tell me there isn’t one about not having sex on the first date.”

The corners of Harrison’s mouth kicked up at his joke. “No, nothing like that.”

“What a relief.” Jeremy reached out to place his hand over the fist Harrison still had clenched around his spoon. “You might want to put that down before you crush it.”

Harrison dumped the spoon into his bowl and pushed it away. “When I moved to Australia, I was one of those ‘troubled teens’ you hear people complaining about.” Harrison held up his hands to put air quotes around the words. “Skipping school, getting into fights, drinking anything I could get my hands on.”

“At thirteen?” Jeremy couldn’t stop the raise of his eyebrows. He couldn’t imagine Harrison drinking alcohol at such a young age.

“Oh, yeah. That was me. I was still dealing with a lot of stuff that happened before I left England.”

“The death of your parents?” he asked.

“My mum,” Harrison corrected. “My father didn’t die until about a year later.”

Jeremy managed to cover his surprise this time. He’d assumed Harrison’s parents died at the same time but, when he thought about it, Harrison had never specifically said that. But why would a thirteen-year-old boy move overseas to live with his aunty and uncle if his dad was still alive?

“Anyway,” Harrison continued, “after a particularly bad bender, my uncle insisted I talk to someone.”

There was a long pause. “A counsellor?” Jeremy said by way of encouragement.

“Something like that.” Harrison was still hedging, still censoring, but at least he was answering the question. Jeremy wasn’t about to quibble over semantics. “She helped me sort through a lot of stuff. Eventually, we decided on a series of rules I could use to help me stay in control of my life. They weren’t exciting. Sleep, good nutrition and exercise, were the foundation. Then, we added other things on top.”

“No drinking, no swearing, etcetera,” Jeremy added.

Harrison nodded.

“How many of these rules do you have?”

Harrison’s chest moved as he took a deep breath. Jeremy wouldn’t say he’d relaxed again, but he no longer looked like he expected to lose his head. “More than I’m willing to admit to at this point in our relationship,” Harrison told him. “I don’t want you to realise how boring I am until after you’re crazy about me.”

“What makes you think I’m not already there?” Jeremy said with a smile as he sat back in his chair. “Do you ever get the urge to break the rules? Be a rebel?”

Standing, Harrison picked up the empty plates and took them over to the sink. “They’re self-imposed, I’m not sure breaking them would count as rebellious,” Harrison said with a snort. “Besides, they’re good for me. If you want a healthy mind you have to start with a healthy body and healthy habits. It’s basic self-care, nothing more.” He turned, crossing his arms as he leaned back against the sink. “Not as dramatic as you were expecting, I suppose.”

Jeremy shook his head. “Drama holds no fascination for me.” For six years his life had been nothing but drama. By contrast, Harrison’s story of teen angst and subsequent self-discipline was an enormous relief. Anna had been right, after all. Harrison was saddled with emotional baggage the same as any other adult on the planet, but he wasn’t trapped under the weight of it like Aaron had been. “You know, I reckon I could learn a thing or two from you,” he added. “When it comes to self-care, I’m still a beginner.”

Harrison moved more easily as he lowered himself back into his seat at the table. “Everyone has to start somewhere.”

“True.” Jeremy looked up at the other man from beneath lowered lashes. He was grateful Harrison had trusted him enough to share such a personal part of himself and he wanted to respond in kind. “I started the second time I became homeless.”

Curiosity lit up Harrison’s eyes. “Tell me?”

He smiled, leaning on his elbows as he clasped his hands beneath his chin. “I didn’t scare you off with the first story?”

“Not even close,” Harrison assured him. “I want to know all your stories.”

Jeremy liked that. He wanted to know Harrison’s stories, too. “This one has a happy ending,” he said by way of opening the tale. “After I left Aaron, I met this couple, Brady and Trina. Well, they weren’t a couple at the time. I was sharing an apartment with Trina and we both met Brady when he moved in next door.”

It was Harrison’s turn to raise his eyebrows this time. “Sounds like the set-up of a bad porno.”

If there was any tension remaining in the room, that well and truly broke it. Throwing his head back, Jeremy laughed out loud. “Oh crap, it really does,” he said, covering his face with his hands. “I never thought of it like that before.”

“Did this situation lead to kinky times?”

Jeremy released a sigh as memories flooded his mind. “So damned kinky. And sweet. And a hell of a lot of fun.” The three of them had spent quite some time falling into bed together and he didn’t regret a single moment. “But then, Trina and Brady fell in love,” he said with a bittersweet smile, “and I knew it was time for me to opt out so they could be together. Which meant moving out of Trina’s apartment, hence my return to homelessness.”

“Was it a messy ending?”

He shook his head. “Not at all. They’re both beautiful people and I know we’ll be friends long into the future but, I haven’t spoken to either of them since I moved out nearly three months ago. That was when I decided to stay single.”

“So, you weren’t only getting over Aaron, you were getting over Brady and Trina as well.” The acceptance in Harrison’s eyes told Jeremy he understood how important the short-term relationship had been to him.

“Yes.” They fell silent for a few moments, until Jeremy got up the courage to ask. “The fact I was involved with two people at the same time isn’t too far out of field for you? There’s no rule against it, is there?”

“It didn’t occur to me I needed a rule regarding threesomes,” Harrison teased. “It’s not something I’ve ever been interesting in trying, but I don’t have a problem with it.” He shrugged one shoulder. “I think it’s good you’re so open—to people and experiences. And even if I did have a rule against it, my rules don’t apply to you.”

Jeremy gave a relieved chuckle. “I’m glad to hear you say that, because I swear like a trooper and that’s not about to change.”

“Good.” Harrison smiled as he reached out to reclaim Jeremy’s hand. “I like the way you talk. You always seem so free. Like you’re comfortable in your own skin. I’ve never managed that.” Breaking eye contact, he looked down at their entwined fingers. “So, you can say fuck,” he let the word roll leisurely over his tongue, “as often as you like. I don’t mind.”

Jeremy bit into his bottom lip, struggling to stay in his seat. “That was hot.”

Harrison winked. “I have to ask, though. Brady and Trina—were you in love with them?” His gaze was steady, though he made a vain attempt to sound casual as he asked the question. “With either of them?”

With a rueful smile, Jeremy tilted his head to one side. “Would you be jealous?”

“Of people I’ve never met?” Harrison scoffed, before his face deadpanned. “Yes.”

Jeremy laughed again. “Trina pretty much became my best friend overnight when we met and that’s what she’ll always be to me—an amazing friend. We love each other to bits.” He couldn’t even say Trina’s name without feeling happy. Brady, on the other hand… “I could have fallen in love with Brady,” he admitted. “There were real feelings involved. But I left before it could become an issue.”

“Brady was the one who cooked lasagne for you, wasn’t he?” There was a tinge of green to the words. But it wasn’t the kind of green that seethed, like Aaron had been prone to. Instead it said If you’re hungry, I want to be the one to cook for you.

“Yes.”

Harrison nodded. “Did he love you?”

“In a way. But Brady’s heart beats only for Trina. I wouldn’t ever change that, even if I could.” He sat back, taking a deep breath. “My time with them was the best thing in the world for me but leaving when I did was also for the best.” He spread his arms to signal the end of his tale. “That was my first act of self-care.”

Harrison fell back against his chair with a sigh, as if he’d been released from a trance. “Good for you.”

“I thought so, too.” He gave a laugh, releasing the emotional tension the conversation had brought up.

“So, are you actually bisexual?”

“Some people might say I am, but I don’t think of myself that way.” Jeremy shook his head. “I’ve had sex with a few women in my time. Honestly, I would’ve had to be dead not to want to have sex with Trina. But, I’ve never wanted to have a real relationship with a woman. When it comes to falling in love,” he added, emphasising the words with a hand over his chest, “my heart beats solely for men.”

“Glad to hear it.”

“What about you?” Jeremy asked before emptying his water glass. “Have you ever had sex with a woman?”

Harrison shook his head. “Never. I made out with some girls when I was a teenager. I already knew I was attracted to boys but, I wanted to test myself I suppose, to see if I felt anything with a girl.”

“And did you?”

“Not so much. I gave up after a while. Got comfortable with the truth. Told my aunty and uncle. That was it. My not-so-great love affair with the feminine half of the species came to an end.” His lips tilted in a self-deprecating way. “I’m pretty sure they don’t miss me.”

“How did your aunty and uncle take it?”

“They were shocked at first. With everything else that was going on, I don’t think they had a clue. But they were glad I’d told them and then, before I knew it, the whole thing was a non-issue.” A moment later he added, “Except the part where my aunty has started trying to set me up with guys.”

“That’s awesome,” Jeremy said. “The first part, I mean. Not the part about your aunty setting you up. I don’t like that part.”

“Don’t worry.” Harrison seemed pleased with Jeremy’s displeasure. “I haven’t taken her up on any of her offers. Now, what about you? How did your family react when you came out?”

“I never had to come out,” Jeremy said, shaking his head. “You might not realise this about me, but I’m a pretty obvious person for the most part.”

Harrison’s jaw dropped. “No, really? I’m shocked.”

“I know, right?” Jeremy waggled his eyebrows, laughing. “Anyway, I think my parents figured it out before I did. My mum was the one who explained it to Anna, so she never understood why anyone would have a problem with it.”

“Wow. Your parents are great.”

“Yeah, they are.” Jeremy lifted his cup in a toasting gesture. “Here’s to fabulous parents. And thank God we had them.”

Harrison went still for a moment before lifting his glass to join in Jeremy’s toast. But he didn’t drink.

CHAPTER 15

Jeremy wandered around the living room while Harrison finished cleaning up in the kitchen. He’d offered to help but Harrison wouldn’t hear of it. “I want you to relax,” he’d said, pressing a quick kiss to Jeremy’s lips. “I won’t be long.”

The apartment was smaller than Jeremy’s, but newer. It was neat, the kind of home that had a place for everything and everything in its place. He tilted his head sideways to read some of the titles on the bookshelf beside the entertainment unit. Jeremy always gravitated toward the bookshelf first when getting to know someone’s home. Books gave the best clues about the people who lived there. Their interests, hobbies, favourite genres. You could tell a lot about a person based on whether they read space operas or true crime novels. On Harrison’s top shelf, books on stoicism by Seneca and Marcus Aurelius were side by side with books about superhero origin stories. Below that was a wider variety of topics: resilience, emotional intelligence, neuropsychology, and a collection of comic books. Jeremy pulled out a couple of the comics—everyone was from a different series with no obvious connection. The mix was interesting, but rather than giving him concrete clues about Harrison’s personality, the collection only deepened the mystery.

Giving up on the bookshelves, Jeremy noticed a frame hanging on the opposite wall that looked to contain a poem. As he wandered closer he recognised Harrison’s hand in the strong shape of the letters and the way the words were laid out on the paper. The fact he’d gone to the effort of creating such a beautiful piece of artwork, and putting it up on the wall, told of its importance.

Jeremy stood in front of it now, reading the words so artfully placed there. Out of the night that covers me, Black as the pit from pole to pole, I thank whatever gods may be, For my unconquerable soul…

He recognised the poem, had studied Henley’s work in high school. At the time Invictus had inspired him to live his life exactly as he was, without shame or remorse. He’d never felt he was caught in ‘the fell clutch of circumstance’ or anything so dire, but he knew as a young gay man he would have to choose between living discreetly, to avoid backlash from what at the time was still basically a homophobic society, or living his truth out in the open. He’d chosen the latter and doing so had made him feel brave.

Harrison approached, coming to stand at his side.

“Are you the master of your fate?” Jeremy asked him, his gaze still riveted to the immortal words. “The captain of your soul?”

From the corner of his eye, he saw Harrison’s chin lift a notch. “I am today.”

Turning to face the other man, Jeremy reached out to take his hands, lacing their fingers together. “Thank you for dinner, and for the wine. Now, I would like to finish my tour of your home.” He took a step backward, leading Harrison to the short hallway leading to the section of the apartment he hadn’t been in yet. “I’ve seen the living room and the kitchen, but I haven’t seen—”

“The bathroom?” Harrison teased, steering him a little to the left.

Jeremy smiled. “Come now, Harry. Don’t be coy.”

Everything stopped. The teasing glint in his eye. The slow, measured steps. “Don’t call me that.” The humour that had coloured his voice—it was gone, too.

“Don’t call you Harry?” Jeremy frowned, taken aback by the vehemence of his reaction. “Why not?”

“Just don’t.”

“All right.” Jeremy straightened his fingers, though Harrison continued to grip on to him. “You’re holding on too tight.” Release came instantly. Cool air met Jeremy’s damp palms and he realised how deep Harrison’s reaction to the seemingly innocuous nickname ran.

Jeremy took a step closer, disturbed by the haunted look in his lover’s eyes, but at the same time longing to chase it away. “I can think of better things to call you, anyway.”

Harrison swallowed hard. “Like what?” he whispered.

“Like, sexy.” Jeremy placed a kiss on the corner of Harrison’s mouth. “Talented.” Another kiss, to the other corner. “Generous.” Harrison chased his mouth when he backed away, stealing his own kiss. “Funny,” Jeremy added to the list.

Pulling back, Harrison seemed nonplussed by that last one. “Funny?” There was a sense of wonder in his eyes, as if no one had ever called him funny before and he liked it.

“Yes, you’re funny.” Jeremy brushed the tip of one finger against the end of his nose. “You make me laugh.”

Harrison made a strange noise that might have been approval.

“I’d like to hear you laugh some time.”

His gaze slid away. “Maybe I laugh like a donkey and that’s why I don’t do it,” he suggested. “Too embarrassing.”

Chuckling, Jeremy shook his head at him. “See,” he said, as if Harrison’s words proved his previous point, “you are funny.”

“I’m sorry I snapped at you,” he murmured in a low voice.

Catching Harrison’s face between his hands, Jeremy smiled. “You’re forgiven.” Harrison gazed into his eyes, and Jeremy could see the last vestiges of regret still lurking there.

“Let me make it up to you.” The rough words were barely out of Harrison’s mouth before their lips were pressed together. Jeremy opened his mouth instantly, inviting Harrison inside, showing him acceptance without words.

Harrison’s hands found his again, lifting them up so their palms were touching. He didn’t hold on this time, only using the contact to guide Jeremy backward until they’d entered the bedroom and made their way to the side of the bed.

The room was dark. Heavy curtains blocked out any sign of moonlight. Harrison moved away for a moment and then a bedside lamp came on, chasing away the worst of the dark.

Jeremy took a cursory glance around the room. It was small and simply furnished, but the king-sized bed was covered in a fluffy duvet that gave a remarkable cloud impression.

“This looks cosy,” Jeremy said, moving his hand across the cover.

“One hundred percent goose down. You should try it out,” Harrison suggested, reaching for the buttons on Jeremy’s shirt. “But you have to be naked to fully appreciate the softness.” Jeremy allowed Harrison to undress him, enjoying the way Harrison’s hands moved across his skin as he removed each piece of clothing. Harrison touched him as if he was something precious, something to be taken care of. His mouth followed his hands, trailing over various body parts to taste and soothe. By the time Harrison stood before his naked body, Jeremy was as languid as he was aroused. Harrison pressed a kiss against his cheek, directly in front of his ear. “Lie down,” he whispered.

Droopy-eyed, Jeremy gave him a lazy smile. “Anything you say.” He climbed onto the bed before rolling onto his back, his head resting on one of the pillows. His eyes were closed, but he could tell Harrison was taking off his clothes from the faint noises in the room. The bed dipped as Harrison joined him and he arched his back in anticipation of Harrison’s weight lowering on top of him.

Instead, a hot, wet mouth wrapped around his cock and his eyes shot open as he cried out in surprise. Harrison knelt beside him, his hands on either side of Jeremy’s hips as he leaned over. His head bobbed as he took Jeremy into his mouth over and over. Jeremy threaded his fingers through Harrison’s hair, raking his nails against the other man’s scalp. His whole body tightened as he tried desperately not to plunge too deep. “I adore your mouth,” he gasped.

Releasing him, Harrison moved up the bed to capture his lips in a hard, fast kiss. “I adore you,” he said, his voice thick with emotion.

Jeremy reached down to wrap his fingers around Harrison’s erection. “Feed me your cock.”

Harrison began trailing back down his body as he shook his head. “This is just for you.”

Sitting up, Jeremy grabbed on to his wrists, halting his descent. “Then give me my favourite thing,” he demanded, waiting for his lover to look up at him before he continued, “I want to be inside you, at the same time you’re inside me.” He held his breath as he waited for Harrison to respond.

Harrison lifted back up to place a kiss against his mouth. “If you insist.” He turned his body to comply and Jeremy wanted to howl in satisfaction.

They both rolled onto their sides, lying close together. Jeremy wrapped one arm around Harrison’s body, his hand gripping on to the other man’s arse cheek. Using his free hand, he guided Harrison’s cock between his lips before bathing the head with his tongue. The taste of pre-come filled his mouth and he lapped it up eagerly. As he sucked Harrison in deeper, his own cock was engulfed in Harrison’s hot mouth and he groaned long and hard around Harrison’s shaft. And it was glorious.

Time was forgotten as they each wallowed in the act of pleasuring the other while being pleasured themselves. Hands moved as mouths moved, with eagerness and bold abandon. The room filled with luxurious moans and the wet sounds of licentious appetites indulged and satisfied.

Harrison’s thighs began to tremble. He was close. Jeremy reached out blindly with one hand, gratified when he found Harrison reaching back. Their fingers clasped together as they rode the edge for a long moment before letting go. Jeremy whimpered as Harrison’s come hit the back of this throat, swallowing reflexively before milking him for more. He was keenly aware of Harrison doing the same for him.

When they were done, Jeremy collapsed onto his back, his head still resting on Harrison’s inner thigh. Slowly, his breathing returned to normal as he stared at the ceiling with a stupid grin on his face. “Can we do that, like, every day from now on?”

A snort sounded from the other end of the bed. “It would be my pleasure.”

The smile on his face grew wider at the knowledge Harrison had enjoyed what they’d done as much as he had. “I’d almost forgotten,” he said with a contented sigh, “how good it could be.”

A moment later, Jeremy’s legs were lifted in the air. Harrison dragged his body around beneath them until his torso had passed through and he could see Jeremy’s face while still lying on his side. Then he brought Jeremy’s legs back down, so they were draped over his hips. Jeremy laughed as Harrison finished by propping his head up on one bent arm. “Comfortable, are we?”

“Yes,” Harrison confirmed. “How long has it been?”

“A long, long, long, long time.”

The frown on Harrison’s face deepened. “You and Aaron didn’t…” he trailed off.

Jeremy swallowed. He probably shouldn’t have said anything. “He enjoyed receiving oral sex, but he wasn’t so big on reciprocating. I didn’t want him to do anything he didn’t want to, so I never pushed the issue.” He gestured between them. “We never did what you and I just did.”

“That’s plain rude, receiving without giving,” Harrison insisted. “And even if he wasn’t keen, you said it’s your favourite thing.”

Jeremy shrugged. “That only counts if there’s enjoyment at both ends, so to speak.”

Harrison’s eyes narrowed. “Aaron was a right royal bastard, wasn’t he?”

Eyes widening, Jeremy whispered, “You swore again.”

“It was called for on this occasion,” he muttered. “I’m indignant on your behalf.”

Reaching out, Jeremy took hold of the hand not busy holding Harrison’s head up. “I am, too—now. That was something I learned from Brady. That I have the right to ask for what I want.” Harrison’s gaze fell, and Jeremy immediately regretted bringing up Brady’s name. “Do you know what I want now?”

Brown eyes, so soft and warm, lifted to his in question.

“You,” Jeremy said.

A soft smile curved Harrison’s lips as he moved again. Pulling himself up the bed, he snuggled in close before laying his head on Jeremy’s chest with a deep sigh. “You can have me.”

CHAPTER 16

Harrison hadn’t had a bad dream since the night before he met Jeremy. That was more than a month of peaceful slumber. It seemed going to sleep with Jeremy on his mind was good for him.

The reprieve wasn’t a guarantee of future rest. Any night could be a bad night. But most of the time the dreams tended to come in waves, gradually worsening each night until, finally, exhaustion stripped him of the ability to dream at all. So far, there’d been no signs of growing disturbance.

Going more than a month without the dreams was rare enough Harrison began to wonder how far he could push his luck. What if he could last longer? Two months, three even. And what would happen once he started spending the whole night with Jeremy? Would holding this man throughout the darkness of the night be enough to keep his demons at bay—perhaps indefinitely?

In the two weeks they’d been officially dating, the idea of waking up beside Jeremy had become Harrison’s favourite fantasy—that and what they’d do to each other while they were still groggy with sleep. The topic of sleeping over hadn’t come up between them yet, but its absence was becoming more noticeable. It was the obvious next step in their developing relationship, though they each had their own reasons for being hesitant to take it.

The issue came to a head one night when Jeremy announced, “I think we should have the talk.”

They were in his kitchen at the time. Harrison had made the mistake of bragging about his skills with hot chocolate during a post-sex conversation and, before he knew it, he stood in front of Jeremy’s stove stirring a saucepan of milk. He didn’t pause in the act of stirring, but his body tensed as it went into high alert. “We should?”

“Yes.” Jeremy sat on the counter beside the stove top, his long legs crossed at the ankles. “I’ll go first. It’s been over seven months since I had unprotected sex with Aaron and my recent test came back clean. With Brady and Trina, it was all condoms all the way. There’s been no one else for longer than I care to remember.”

“Good to know,” Harrison said with a nod, baffled as to why Jeremy picked this moment to divulge such information. “I’m clean as a daisy,” he added. “My last test was three months ago, but before you I hadn’t been with anyone for about eight months so…”

“Eight months? Wow, and I thought I’d turned into a monk.”

He gave Jeremy a disgruntled look. “I’m picky about where I put my dick.”

Jeremy didn’t comment on his ever-expanding vocabulary of dirty words. Instead he cleared his throat and said, “That’s why I decided we should have the talk. Because I’m becoming picky about where you put your dick, too. As in, I’ve decided I want exclusive access to it.” He paused for a moment, as if giving Harrison a moment to consider his words. “What do you think about that?”

Putting one hand on Jeremy’s hip, Harrison met his stare head-on. “I think you got it the moment I laid eyes on you, but now you’ve brought it up I’ll demand the same in return.”

“Seems fair.” Jeremy shrugged as if the decision was no big deal. “Does this mean we’re a couple now?” he asked, looking all kinds of excited. “Do I get to call you my boyfriend?”

Harrison nodded. “Please do.” They were leaning in to seal the deal with a kiss when they were interrupted by a bubbly hissing sound. The milk had boiled over. Chaos ensued, punctuated intermittently by Jeremy’s raucous laughter. It was another ten minutes before they finished cleaning up the mess and sat down on Jeremy’s couch with half-full cups of hot chocolate.

“I want to know if my boyfriend snores,” Jeremy said between sips. “So, I was thinking you should stay the night.”

Harrison glanced at him over the rim of his cup. Jeremy wore a hopeful expression as he sprawled back on the couch cushions with one leg tucked beneath him. Naked to the waist, the shorts he’d pulled on after they managed to drag themselves out of his bed hung low, exposing part of one hip. He looked like a sex-God asking for a treat. Which, as analogies went, was a bit twisted up, but sexy as hell.

“Are you sure?” he asked, wanting the answer to be yes and yet terrified of the same. He still hadn’t revealed any more of his past to Jeremy, despite the fact their initial conversation about it had gone well. Harrison kept telling himself he’d give Jeremy more details soon, but for now he wanted to enjoy what they had. That meant he’d be taking a huge risk by sleeping beside Jeremy through the night. But to refuse would hurt Jeremy’s feelings. Avoiding that was worth any risk.

“I’m sure.” Finishing his drink, Jeremy stretched out to put the empty mug on the coffee table. “It was only a suggestion,” he said, shaking his head. “If you don’t want to—”

“I’m staying,” Harrison interrupted, attempting to sound casual. “The thing is, I don’t always sleep soundly. I want you to know so you don’t worry if you wake up and I’m not beside you.” He swallowed the last of his hot chocolate, hoping to ease the sudden tightness in his throat. “Wherever I am, I’ll come back soon enough.” There was a pause while they stared at each other. He could see Jeremy’s desire to ask questions written in his expression. Why don’t you sleep well? Where do you go? Why don’t you want me to look for you? “Okay?” he asked, unable to stand the silence any longer.

“Okay.” Jeremy tried to smile, but it was a lie. “I’m a heavy sleeper so, I might not even notice.”

Putting his mug on the table, Harrison rose up on one knee and swung his other leg over Jeremy’s hips until he straddled his thighs. “There’s one more thing I should tell you,” he murmured as he leaned down to brush Jeremy’s lips with his own.

“What’s that?” Jeremy asked, his hands stroking Harrison’s bare chest.

Harrison smiled. “I plan to molest you in your sleep.”

This time the return smile was genuine. “Not if I molest you first.”

As they climbed back into bed later that night, Harrison fought to keep his breathing under control. He watched Jeremy turn off the light, felt the bed dip as he got under the covers. The moment he was within reach, Harrison pulled him close. “I want to be the big spoon,” he murmured, rubbing his nose against Jeremy’s nape.

The sexiest chuckle he’d ever heard found its way to him in the darkness. “You can be the big spoon.” Jeremy gave a happy sigh, snuggling back into him. “Good night, Harrison.”

“Good night.” Closing his eyes, Harrison inhaled deeply. Everything around him smelled like Jeremy—sunshine and happiness underpinned by the musky scent of man. He went to sleep with a smile curving his lips. This was where he was meant to be. In this place, he felt safe.

CHAPTER 17

“I can see why you were so concerned about being left behind when you decided to come running with me,” Harrison said, pausing every couple of words to suck more air into his lungs. “You’re such a slow poke, after all.”

Jeremy let out a maniacal cackle from beside him. “It serves you right for making assumptions.” His own breathing was laboured, but steady. “I have mad skills.”

They were running along a wide path that followed a creek through the back streets of a suburb not far from Jeremy’s apartment.

The morning had been spent hanging out at Jeremy’s place while Jeremy caught up on a couple of his favourite TV shows on Netflix. He claimed it was research for his store and keeping up with popular entertainment was a necessary part of the job. Harrison had narrowed his eyes sceptically before announcing he’d finally figured out the real reason Jeremy owned a pop culture store in the first place. He’d done it to turn slacking into a tax deduction. Jeremy had laughed but didn’t even try to deny it.

It was late in the afternoon when Harrison mentioned he needed to go for a run and asked if Jeremy had any suggestions for which direction he should take.

“I know a couple of good routes,” Jeremy had said with a nod. “How far do you want to go?”

“A ten K loop would be good,” Harrison replied as he pulled his running clothes out of his overnight bag. They’d been sleeping together most nights, either at Jeremy’s place or his place, for the past couple of weeks and Harrison had only jerked awake twice in that time. He hadn’t had any dreams he could remember, and not once had he woken Jeremy. So far, so good.

“Ten kilometres. That’s a long way.” Jeremy had screwed his face up for a moment in consideration. “I think I know a way you could go though.” His face had brightened. “If you don’t mind some company, I can show you myself. It’ll be fun.”

Harrison had frowned. Fun? Regular exercise was proven to be a mood booster during depression as well as a protective factor against relapse. Harrison didn’t run for fun. He ran for the therapeutic double whammy.

“Don’t worry,” Jeremy said as he started to change his clothes. “If I can’t keep up with you, feel free to leave me in your dust. You’ll be able to follow the path easily enough and I’ll catch up with you at the end.”

Harrison gave him a doubtful look. “Like I would ever leave you behind.”

Jeremy had given him a wide grin as he dropped onto the bed to pull on his shoes. “My boyfriend,” he said with a dramatic sigh, “such a romantic.”

They’d headed off soon after and Harrison let Jeremy set the pace. As it turned out, Jeremy’s pace was pretty damned fast. Seven kilometres later, he showed no signs of slowing.

“I should have known you were putting me on the moment you pulled out those shoes,” Harrison said as they crossed a wooden bridge leading to a park on the other side. “Those are not the shoes of an occasional runner. How long have you been at it?”

“Well, I learned to run around the age of two, and I never stopped. I was cross country champion in high school,” he added proudly. “You?” Harrison opened his mouth to speak but Jeremy interrupted. “No, don’t tell me. Let me guess.” He lifted his hands as if divining the answer. “You started running when you were fourteen because your counsellor told you it was good for your brain.”

“You know me so well.” It felt true, even if it wasn’t.

“I’m getting there,” Jeremy replied, glancing at him. “There’s no need to rush. We have all the time in the world.”

Harrison grinned. “I certainly hope so.”

The squeals of playing children came from a nearby playground. A little further down a handful of teenagers played rugby on a wide grassy area. The sky was a rich shade of blue as the sun dipped toward the horizon and, while the heat of the day lingered, it wasn’t oppressive. It was the perfect Sunday afternoon and Harrison breathed the fresh air in as deeply as he could. He was glad Jeremy had joined him for his run. With Jeremy by his side, running was fun.

The simple pleasure of the moment expanded to fill his chest, before coursing down into his limbs. A smile hovered around his lips—for no reason. It was just there, an outward expression of his inner… happiness. Was that what this was? Was this what it felt like to be happy?

He was still distracted by the idea when Jeremy tapped him on the shoulder. “By the way,” he said as he changed direction, “you’re it.” Twisting his body around, he took off across the grass, heading toward a clump of trees on the far side.

A weird sound burst from Harrison’s mouth, catching him by surprise. The moment’s delay put Jeremy well in front and Harrison chased after him, his legs eating up the distance between them in long strides. Jeremy was fast, damn he was fast, but he also suffered from a disadvantage that was destined to be his downfall. Ultimately, he wanted to be caught.

Jeremy glanced back over his shoulder and gave a shout of laughter when he saw Harrison hot on his heels. Both actions cost him in terms of speed. Harrison was about to catch his prey. As he reached out to tag the other man’s back, Jeremy dodged sideways and took cover behind the thick trunk of a nearby tree. “Missed me,” he panted as he kept the tree between them.

Harrison waggled his eyebrows. “Not for long.” He feinted to the right of the tree trunk before lunging to the left as Jeremy moved in that direction. “Gotcha,” he yelled as his hand clipped Jeremy’s arm.

Jeremy spun on the spot, intent on reasserting dominance before Harrison had a chance to escape. His hand shot out, but Harrison jumped backward, curving his body so he stayed out of reach.

“Is your reach a little short there, babe?” he teased.

Narrowing his eyes, Jeremy prepared for another attack. “I’ll show you short.”

This time it was Harrison who ducked behind a tree, using it to block Jeremy.

“I’m going to tag your arse, Harrison,” Jeremy drawled between panting breaths. “Then it will be mine.”

Electricity sparked in the air as they stared at each other across the short distance. Harrison knew what Jeremy meant, what he wanted. It was the one experience they hadn’t yet had together and for the first time in his life, the idea made Harrison want to lick his lips in anticipation.

Harrison rarely allowed anyone else inside his body. It required a level of trust his previous partners had never managed to inspire. There had been a few occasions when he’d done it because the relationship he’d been in at the time would have ended if he didn’t and, as he’d said to Jeremy once before, he believed receiving without giving was bad manners. But he’d never been able to relax enough to truly enjoy the experience. Now, though, he was captivated by the notion that with Jeremy, everything might be different. Even to have such a thought was new, freeing. The world was opening up in ways he’d never believed possible for someone like him.

“I’ll make you a deal,” he said, his heart in his throat as he put the words out there. “Catch me before I make it back to the footpath, and you can have it.”

Jeremy’s eyes widened. His nostrils flared. And a feral grin spread slowly across his mouth. “Oh, now I have to catch you.” He darted around the tree, almost catching Harrison by the wrist.

Taking off at a sprint, Harrison shot out from the protection of the trees. He could hear Jeremy behind him, his breath coming in harsh pants, his feet pounding away on the ground. Soon he’d pretend to run out of energy and he’d let his lover catch him. And they’d both be happy because they’d know this time it was Harrison who wanted to be caught.

The footpath was still fifty metres away when he became aware of a weird, unfamiliar pressure in his chest. He could feel the smile on his face, so wide it stretched his cheeks, but this time the smile wasn’t enough. The pressure continued to build, filling him from the inside out until there was barely enough room to drag air into his lungs. Panic streaked through him as it broke free, crashing out of him in a series of harsh, awkward sounds. He tried to stop it, but it kept coming. His steps faltered and then, as Jeremy grabbed on to the back of his shirt with a victorious cry, he went down.

He barely heard Jeremy call his name as he rolled to a stop before coming up onto his knees. He wrapped his arms around his convulsing stomach as the wretched sound continued to pour out of him. Tears streamed down his face and he bent over at the waist. He hoped he wasn’t about to throw up.

“Oh my God, are you laughing?” Jeremy’s voice was incredulous. “Fucking hell, you scared the crap out of me. I thought there was something wrong.”

Laughing? Was that what he was doing? This didn’t feel like laughing. Not that he remembered much about what laughing felt like. What the fuck has that kid got to be so happy about anyway? His father’s voice, an old record playing through the back of his mind. Shut him up or I’ll give him something to cry about.

An altogether different type of sound came out of him now and he covered his face with his hands. Was he still laughing? It sounded more like sobbing. Or was that just because he had more experience with one than the other.

Strong arms came around his shoulders, but he struggled against them. “Don’t you fucking touch me.” He scrambled away, only realising what he’d done when he saw Jeremy’s face. The deep frown, the green eyes wide with concern. “Jeremy, I’m sorry.”

“Don’t.” Jeremy shook his head. “Tell me what’s wrong with you.”

The same thing that’s always been wrong with me. I’m broken.

Looking around, Harrison saw they were alone. The closest person was more than fifty metres away. No one had witnessed his embarrassing display of… whatever that was. No one, except the person who mattered most.

Getting back to his feet, Harrison was horrified to find himself shaking all over. His face was still wet, tears of joy mingling with those of sorrow. He swiped them away and his eyes strung as sweat mixed in with everything else. “I’m fine.” Brushing grass off his knees, he avoided the other man’s gaze. “We should go, it’ll be dark soon.” He walked away, quickening to a slow jog after a few metres. Jeremy had no choice but to follow.

They ran the final few kilometres of the loop in silence.

“Do you want the first shower?” Jeremy asked as they walked through his front door.

“No, you go ahead.” Harrison wondered if he should leave while Jeremy was still getting cleaned up. It might make things easier on both of them if Jeremy didn’t have to ask him to go.

Jeremy only made it as far as the hallway before he turned around. “Who were you talking to?” he asked. “When you told me not to touch you, you weren’t talking to me. Who was it?”

Harrison took a deep breath as he faced him. “My father.” There was a long pause while they stared at each other. “He hated the sound of me laughing. Actually, he hated every sound I made,” he added with a half-hearted shrug. “Laughing, crying, playing, hell even chewing… but especially laughing.”

“So, you learned not to do it,” Jeremy guessed. “Because he hurt you.”

Silence, and then, “Yes.”

“And that’s why you didn’t stay in England with your father after your mother died.”

“Yes.” This time the silence seemed interminable. Pain bloomed in his chest as he turned his gaze away. “I should go.”

“No, don’t.” He looked up to see Jeremy shaking his head slowly. “I don’t want you to go.”

Harrison’s heart quit beating for a moment, before restarting at a gallop. “Are you sure you still want me here?”

Jeremy swallowed, his lips pressing into a thin line. “No, I’m not sure,” he admitted. “But I know I don’t want you to go.”

It was less than Harrison wanted, but more than he’d hoped for. “That’s good enough for me.”

With a nod, Jeremy turned away. “At least now you’ve put one fear to rest,” he muttered as he trudged down the hall.

Harrison lifted his eyebrows. “What’s that?”

“You don’t laugh like a donkey.”

CHAPTER 18

“This is for the best, Harry.”

Harrison watched his mother count out the little white pills. One for him, two for her. One for him, two for her. He didn’t know what was in them, she took so many these days, but he knew what she wanted them to do.

“We’ll curl up together, all nice and comfortable, and we’ll go to sleep.” Her voice was calm, soothing. It had a dreamlike quality to it, as if a part of her was already gone. “When we wake up, we’ll be in paradise. No more pain, no more suffering. We’ll be free, Harry, and we’ll be together always.”

He didn’t believe in her paradise. The only thing they would be at the end of this was dead. But then again, the dead can’t feel pain, so maybe she had a point. Maybe nothingness would be a kind of paradise, after all.

Harrison didn’t want to die. But life was no picnic, as his grandmother used to say, and his attachment to his own heartbeat wasn’t so great. After all his mother had done to protect him, how could he let her down now, when she needed him most?

He’d tried to talk her out of it, of course. Told her they could leave this place. Pack up what little they owned and disappear—somewhere his father would never find them. They could start again, just the two of them. In a little house, with a garden where she could grow flowers. He would get a job and then he could take care of her, like she’d always taken care of him. He’d spun the tale so vividly, even he started to believe. But she couldn’t see the little house or the garden. Her gaze was fixed on paradise.

When she scooped up her collection of little white pills, he stared down at the pile she’d set in front of him. He could throw them away, all of them. Even at thirteen, he was stronger than her and she wouldn’t be able to stop him from taking them. But she would only find more, when he wasn’t there. And he didn’t want her to have to go through this alone.

Swiping at the tears on his face, he picked up the pills. She smiled at him then, and her eyes crinkled at the corners. “Such a good boy,” she said, laying a hand on his arm.

They took the pills together, one after the other, swallowing them down with cool water from tall glasses. He was careful not to cut his tongue on the chip in the rim, though he wasn’t sure why.

After they finished, his mother led him into the bedroom where they lay down together on the faded blue bedspread. She held him close as he lay with his head on her chest. She stroked his hair, running her long fingernails through the golden strands, as she’d done when he was small.

“I love you, Harry,” she told him, her words faint as she closed her eyes.

Drowsiness crept into his limbs and his head became heavy. “I love you, too.” He’d expected to panic at the end, believed some sense of self-preservation would kick in. There was a curious absence of both. He continued to lie there, long after his mother’s hand ceased to move, and her heartbeat slowed beneath his ear, and waited for it to be over.

The sound of yelling came to him from far away, and a loud bang told him the bedroom door had slammed open. He tried to open his eyes to see what was going on, but his lids were too heavy. He heard his father yelling, at first angry, then something else. Shocked maybe? Or fearful? That couldn’t be right. The voice still sounded so far away, he didn’t even worry about being hit.

Rough hands grabbed on to him and started shaking. “Harry! Wake up, Harry!”

Harrison bolted upright in the bed, hands clawing at his throat as he struggled to breathe.

“What’s wrong?” A groggy voice came from beside him, but Harrison couldn’t respond. He was still in that tiny bedroom, lying beside his dead mother while his father screamed into the telephone beside the bed, telling the ambulance to hurry.

Hands clasped his cheeks, their heat searing his cold, clammy skin, and he flinched away. “No, I don’t want to die,” he growled, scrambling back toward the headboard, out of the clutching arms of death. “I don’t want to die.”

“Harrison, wake up.”

He went still as the face in front of him came into focus. Jeremy. The other man was sitting up on his knees with mussed hair and wide, worried eyes. “It’s only a nightmare,” he said, striving for a calm voice. “You’re all right.”

Harrison’s heart plummeted as the truth washed over him. He’d revealed himself in the worst way. Now there would be more questions, and he would have to answer them because he wouldn’t lie about this. Jeremy would know how messed up he was. It would be too much. They would be over.

“I have to go.” He pushed the covers away from his sweat-slicked body. Grabbing the clothes he’d laid out over a chair the night before, he started to dress.

“You’re leaving?” Jeremy asked, his confusion clear. “Why? It was only a nightmare, everyone has them. There’s no need to be embarrassed.”

“I’m not embarrassed.” He yanked his shirt over his head and sat on the edge of the bed to put on his shoes.

Jeremy grabbed a pair of pyjama pants and thrust his legs into them. “Harrison, stop,” he said once he was covered. “I’ll make us some tea, we can talk, it’ll be okay.”

Harrison shook his head. “Tea isn’t going to fix this.” Taking his bag, he left the bedroom and rushed down the hallway. Jeremy was right behind him.

“You’re actually running out on me because of some nightmare?” He was halfway to the door when Jeremy grabbed hold of his arm from behind. “Will you stop for one fucking second and talk to me?”

“What do you want me to say?” Harrison yelled as he spun around. “Because once I’ve said the words I can’t take them back. And you’ll know how wrong this is, how wrong we are, and then—” His voice cracked, and he stopped, taking a deep breath as he tried to compose himself. “Except it’s already too late, isn’t it?”

Backing up a step, Jeremy stared at him with wary eyes. “Too late for what?”

For us. Harrison held Jeremy’s gaze, but he had no idea what to say. How did he even begin to explain this? “Damn it.” He muttered the words under his breath, biting them out through clenched teeth. “I wanted this, so much, you have to know that.”

Jeremy gave a curt shake of his head. “All I know right now is you’re scaring the crap out of me.” He held his hands out in front of him, as if protecting himself from the coming blow. “Tell me what’s going on,” he demanded, his voice raspy with emotion. “Whatever it is, just say it.”

The adrenaline that had raged through Harrison’s system was gone now, and he was left with an overwhelming sadness. He didn’t want to lose Jeremy, but the time had come. He couldn’t avoid it or pretend he would get to it tomorrow. He had to tell the truth now and be done with it. “I wasn’t having a nightmare. I was reliving a memory.” He forced himself to meet Jeremy’s gaze as he said the words that would ruin them. “For me, the memories are worse than nightmares.”

CHAPTER 19

Jeremy stared at the man he’d fallen in love with, the man he’d trusted, and his heart cracked. “What memory?” he asked, his body shaking. He’d known this was coming. He hadn’t wanted to believe it, but he’d known. “What happened to you?”

“It doesn’t matter.” Harrison shook his head. “All you need to know is, I’m one of those damaged people who can’t be fixed. I knew we were all wrong for each other the night you told me about Aaron. I should have left then. It would’ve been the right thing to do but, I couldn’t force myself to walk away from you.”

Heart thundering, Jeremy took a step backward. “What are you saying? That you were abused as a child, like Aaron was?”

Harrison swallowed hard as he nodded.

“I don’t understand,” Jeremy said, crossing his arms in front of him. “Why didn’t you say anything?” It had been so hard for him to tell Harrison about Aaron. About all he’d gone through in those years and how difficult it had been for him to leave. “I told you everything and you said nothing.” He’d believed he was safe with Harrison. Safe from himself and his own self-destructive behaviours. “Why?”

“I’ve been trying to tell you, I have. But I didn’t want to lose you.” Harrison stopped, raking his hands through his hair as he took a deep breath. “You make happiness look contagious, Jeremy. You have no idea how compelling that is for someone like me.”

Turning away, Jeremy took a few steps across the room, his hands fisting as anger bled into his veins. “So, you thought you’d drip feed me your trauma instead?” He remembered the conversations they’d had during the past few weeks. “First there was the story about your troubled teen years. Then the tidbits about your father hurting you. I knew there had to be more, I fucking knew it.” He wondered how long Harrison would have continued revealing little bits and pieces of himself. “What did you think you were doing? Seeing how long it would take me to figure it out? Was this some game to you?”

“No.” Harrison looked horrified. “I couldn’t tell you all at once. I couldn’t, it’s too much.” His shoulders sagged forward as he shook his head. “It’s too much.”

“You couldn’t walk away. You couldn’t tell me the truth. What the hell can you do?”

Harrison stared at him for a moment before raising his chin. “I can leave before I do any more damage. That’s what I can do.” He walked over to the door and opened it before pausing to look back over his shoulder. “Goodbye, Jeremy. I’m sorry.”

Jeremy never made the decision to move—not consciously. He only knew his fist filled with the front of Harrison’s shirt before the other man was yanked back inside. When the front door slammed closed beside them, it was Jeremy’s hand pressed flat against the back of it.

“No.” He snarled the word into Harrison’s face. The man had just dropped a bomb on his head and now he was supposed to stand aside while Harrison walked out of his life without even telling him why? That shit was not going to fly. “You are not getting out of this so easily. Do you understand?”

They stared at each other for a long moment before Harrison nodded.

Releasing his shirt, Jeremy took a step back and levelled a glare at Harrison. “I want you to tell me what happened to you. And don’t you dare leave anything out.”

“What’s the point?” Harrison gave a defeated shrug. “We both know there’s no getting past this. At first I hoped maybe we could but…” He ran his hands through his hair again as he moved away from the door. “You need to stay away from people who are damaged,” he said, repeating the words Jeremy himself had used only weeks earlier. “And me?” Harrison grabbed at his own chest with one hand, his fingers digging in hard. “Every part of me is shattered from the inside out. I’ve put the pieces back together as best I can, but I’ll never not be broken.” He shook his head, his eyes shrouded in pain and sorrow. “You deserve better than anything I have to offer.”

Jeremy’s eyebrows lifted and his teeth ground together. “That’s it?” he demanded. “You knew all of this before and you stayed with me anyway. You let me fall in love with you. And now the shit’s hit the fan, you decide it’s over? Just like that? Well, fuck you, Harrison.” He shifted his stance, bracing himself. If Harrison tried to leave before he got the answers he wanted, he’d have a fight on his hands. “You don’t get to decide what’s best for me. And if I’m going to lose you, I at least have the right to know why. You owe me that.”

“Fine.” Harrison threw his bag to the floor, his eyes flashing. “Where would you like me to start? With my alcoholic father? He was an abusive arsehole who beat the crap out of my mother. He would have beaten me as well, if she hadn’t put herself in the way. As it was, I only copped the occasional black eye when I stepped too far out of line.” He prowled around the room as he spoke—a caged animal who’d been poked one too many times.

“Or maybe I should tell you the part where my mother committed suicide by overdosing on prescription drugs right in front of me. She tried to take me with her you know, handed me the pills herself. And I took them, willingly, because I didn’t want to let her down.” He paused to drag air into his lungs with deep, ragged breaths. “The only reason I didn’t die that day was because my father came home early after being fired from his job—again. You’ve got to love the irony. The very man who drove my mother to take her own life was the same man who saved mine.”

Jeremy couldn’t think, couldn’t even begin to comprehend what he was hearing. “Your mother,” he said. “Why would she want you to kill yourself?”

Harrison frowned, as if the answer was obvious. “She was trying to protect me.”

Jeremy’s legs gave way and he leaned back against the door. “What?”

“She thought I’d be safer dead with her, than alive with him.” A sound that mimicked laughter flooded out of him. “Safer. Can you imagine?” The grating sound grew louder. Jeremy flinched, and it cut short.

There was a moment of silence and then Jeremy cleared his throat. “Is that everything?”

“I wish it was,” Harrison spat out. “I still haven’t told you what I did when I found out my father died the next year.” He paced around the room, his hands moving in quick, fidgety gestures. “He was murdered actually. You know the type. Seedy motel. Blunt force trauma to the head. The cops never figured out who did it.” A breath huffed out of him. “Not that anyone much cared.”

Jeremy wasn’t interested in what happened to Harrison’s arsehole of a father. “What did you do, when you found out?”

“A bottle of tequila.” He grimaced, as if he could still taste it. “Nasty stuff, but it seemed like a better method than pills.”

Every ounce of air left Jeremy’s lungs in a rush and he sank to the floor. “You tried to kill yourself again.”

“It seemed like a good idea at the time. Life hadn’t improved much so…” There was a dismissive shrug as Harrison lowered himself to his knees in front of Jeremy. “After Mum died, I thought moving to Australia would fix everything. I’d survived the worst, so things would be better, right? Only it wasn’t that simple,” he said, shaking his head. “You see, I brought myself with me. My distrust of everyone. My behaviour problems. The constant dreams that trapped me back in that room over and over.” His shoulders sagged, as if the weight on them had become too heavy to bear. “I was so full of anger and shame for who I was. I hated being a burden on my aunty and uncle. They were good people. They didn’t deserve to get stuck with a piece of shit kid like me. And it didn’t matter how many times they told me they wanted me with them. Nothing they said could touch me.” There was little left of his voice now and Jeremy moved closer to be able to hear him. “I was still so lost. Stuck halfway between life and my mother’s grave.

“When we got word my father had been killed, what little was left of me broke. I felt like I didn’t belong in the world anymore. What place did I have here, when the people who’d brought me into it were gone in such violent ways? I could never be anything good, not coming from where I did. I was glad my father was dead. The world was a better place without him in it. I couldn’t help but wonder if it would be a better place without me, too. Surely it would be easier on everyone if I was just… gone.”

Jeremy watched him stare into nothing for a long moment. “What saved you?” he finally asked.

“My uncle found me passed out in my bedroom. When he couldn’t wake me up he took me to the hospital.” He looked up, meeting Jeremy’s eyes for the first time since he’d joined him on the floor. “It seemed life wasn’t as done with me as I was with it.”

“That’s when your uncle took you to see a counsellor?”

Harrison nodded. “He’d tried before, of course. But this was the first time I agreed to go. Laurel helped me turned things around. Except she wasn’t my counsellor, she was my psychiatrist. And my diagnosis wasn’t ‘troubled teen’ it was ‘major depressive disorder.’” He used air quotes to highlight his various labels. “Inheriting my mother’s mental illness turned out to be the icing on my genetic cake. It’s all I have left of her.”

Jeremy didn’t know what to say. “I don’t… I don’t have words for this.”

“Yeah, me neither.” Harrison rubbed at his face as he gave a weary sigh. “In the spirit of full disclosure, you should know I still suffer from depression sometimes,” he added, almost as an afterthought. “I don’t take medication for it. Nothing can make me swallow those pills again. That’s why I have so many rules. They help me stay healthy most of the time but, the truth is there’s no cure for me, only good management.” He snorted in amusement, as if the phrase was part of some private joke. Maybe it was. If you suffered from a mental illness most of your life you were bound to find a good joke in there sooner or later.

“The end,” Harrison said as he got up, his movements slow and heavy. “Or at least, that’s the worst parts version. Everything else is details.” He offered a hand to Jeremy.

“I think we can skip the details for now,” Jeremy said as he allowed Harrison to pull him to his feet.

They stared at each other for a moment before Harrison picked his bag up and slung it over his shoulder. “I should go.” He glanced at Jeremy before dropping his gaze to the floor. “I want you to know being with you has been the best time of my life. I’ll never forget it.”

Jeremy didn’t know what to say, or do, or even think. Everything Harrison had told him made him want to stand aside and let Harrison walk out the door, but everything they’d done together, who they’d been together, made him want to hold on tight and never let go. Somewhere in the middle, he lost his voice.

The silence lengthened and then Harrison moved around him, heading for the door again.

“Wait,” Jeremy said, turning to put a hand on his arm. Harrison paused, and Jeremy struggled with what to say. “Are you going to be all right?”

A single eyebrow lifted. “Why? Do you think I’m going to go home and top myself because we’re breaking up?”

We’re breaking up? Jeremy opened his mouth to protest, but nothing came out.

Harrison drew himself to his full height. This time, when he spoke, his voice was firm with determination. “Let’s get one thing straight. I am not Aaron and I don’t need you to save me. I’ve been saving myself for a long time now and I’ve gotten pretty good at it. No one else is going to get the credit for that. I’ve earned it.”

Nodding, Jeremy watched Harrison open the door before he stopped him again. “One more question.” He waited for Harrison to look at him before he asked, “Do you love me?”

Harrison’s eyes widened as he gave him an incredulous look. “Do I love you?” One hand reached out to wrap around the back of Jeremy’s neck and drag him forward until their faces were mere centimetres apart. “Jeremy,” he said as his lips curved, “you taught me how to smile again. You made happiness possible, just by being in the same room. Everything about you is incredible to me.” He pressed a kiss against Jeremy’s lips, lingering there for a moment before he whispered, “I’m completely, hopelessly, insanely in love with you.”

Jeremy held on to his forearm with both hands. “Then, why are you walking away? Why aren’t you fighting for us?”

“Because some battles do more harm than good.” Harrison pulled back, his arm dropping to his side. “You and I are the worst kind of match imaginable and I can’t bear the idea of hurting you or inspiring you to hurt yourself. We both know that’s what will happen if I stay.” He took a step back toward the open doorway. “You keep taking care of yourself, Jeremy,” he said as he walked away. “And I’ll take care of me.”

CHAPTER 20

It was mid-afternoon before Harrison managed to make the call. Fulfilling this long-standing promise was the last thing he had to do. Then, he could fall apart.

The phone picked up on the third ring. “Hello?”

“Hey, Uncle Jeff.”

“Harrison.” He could hear the smile at the other end of the line. “What can I do for you?”

“I’m letting you know,” he paused, clearing his throat, “I’m heading into blue.”

Jeff’s office chair creaked in the background as he stood up. “I can be there in thirty minutes.”

“No, don’t.” He shook his head, even though his uncle couldn’t see it. “I’m good. I’m prepared.”

There was hesitation, and then, “Are you sure?”

“Yeah.” He sat on the edge of the couch in his living room, his head held in one hand while the other pressed the phone to his ear. “I’ll be fine.”

“You’ve got food?”

“Yes.”

“Have you arranged for time off work?”

“Until the end of next week.” He listened to his uncle’s breathing for a moment, hoping he wouldn’t go all panic stations and show up at the door. “This isn’t my first rodeo, Uncle Jeff. I know what I’m doing.”

“I know, son.” Harrison could picture his uncle pacing the length of his home office as he considered his response. “You’ll call me if you even think there’s a possibility you’re turning red.”

Harrison closed his eyes. “I promise.”

Red. It was the one colour Harrison never wanted to say. Blue was better. Blue was a darkness he could come back from. Red would mean he’d lost all hope, his gaze fixed on a paradise he’d never believed was there.

“Please, don’t tell Aunty Cel,” he said, appalled by the shakiness of his own voice. “I don’t want her to worry.”

Jeff sighed down the phone line. “You stay in contact and I won’t have to. You hear me?”

“Loud and clear.”

“Good man. I’ll be over in two days to touch base.”

Harrison had expected that. He wasn’t about to argue. He didn’t have the energy and it wouldn’t do any good anyway. “Sure thing,” he said. “I’ll make you a cup of tea while you’re here.”

“Tea? Why would you make me tea?”

Yesterday his uncle’s confusion would have made him smile. Yesterday. But not today. “I’ve heard it’s good for the soul.” The weight on his chest increased until he struggled to breathe. “I have to go. I’ll see you in a couple of days.”

After he hung up the phone, Harrison rose from the couch and closed the living room curtains to block out the last of the daylight. It would be night soon, and he didn’t want to have to watch as the sun went down.

CHAPTER 21

“Ooohhh. I love it.”

Jeremy looked up to see Anna standing in the middle of the store. With shopping bags clutched in one hand, and a takeaway coffee cup in the other, she stared at the wall over the counter with an excited grin. He didn’t bother following her gaze. He didn’t want to look at the wall. In fact, he’d spent the last two days avoiding the sight of it at all costs. Which was difficult considering how much time his customers spent talking about the stupid thing.

“Of course, you love it,” he drawled. “Everyone loves it.” He slapped a price sticker on another boxed Harry Potter mug and added it to the pile on the shelf. “Best idea I ever had.” That, and falling in love with the man who put the enormous piece of art in the middle of his workplace and then dumped him. A pure stroke of genius that one.

Anna frowned as she made her way over to him. “What’s wrong with you?”

“Nothing is wrong with me,” he said, glaring at the sticker he’d put on a box upside down. “I don’t have to be happy all the time. Sometimes I go whole days without wanting to smile.”

“Wow.” She took a sip of her coffee as she considered his bad mood. “Are you this friendly to all your customers?”

He gave her an exasperated look. “You’re not a customer. I don’t have to fake it for you.”

“Or me apparently.” Kat’s voice came from behind them, where she’d just finished completing a sale for a customer. “Anna, I’m so glad to see you,” she said as she walked over to them with her hands on her hips. “I’m in desperate need of your help.”

“Me?” Anna’s eyebrows raised in surprise. “What can I do?”

“Please, for the love of everything holy, take him away.” Jeremy glared at the finger Kat pointed at him. She stopped pointing. “I mean that in the nicest possible way, boss man.”

“What the hell is going on?” Anna cried out, glancing back and forth between the two of them.

“I don’t know, he’s refusing to talk about it.” Kat gave an indignant sniff, obviously miffed about not being let in on the secret. “But I’ve been drowning in brood for two days now.”

“I’m not leaving, Kat,” he said, picking up the empty cardboard box at his feet. “Your shift is almost over, and I need to be here to close up.”

“I will stay late and close.” She put a hand over her chest as she announced her great sacrifice. “You need to get out of here, and I owe you a favour, remember?”

“Come on,” Anna added, nodding her head toward the door. “My car’s right outside. I’ll drive you home.

Heaving a sigh, Jeremy gave in. “Fine, but I’d like to lodge my objection to you women ganging up on me.”

Anna held up one hand. “Objection duly noted and summarily ignored.”

He was still rolling his eyes at her response when Kat launched herself at him. “Feel better,” she murmured as she hugged him tight. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Thanks, Kat.” He hugged her back before pulling away. “Sorry for being such a grump.”

“Hey,” she said with a shrug. “We’re all entitled to a bad day now and then. They’re what make the good days even better.”

Jeremy nodded, but he couldn’t help but wonder if Harrison’s bad days made his good days even better? Somehow, he didn’t think depression worked that way. He’d been present for some of Harrison’s good days and, if the growing frequency of his smiles had been any indication, Jeremy had helped make those days better. What would Harrison’s bad days be like? Did he even want to know?

He was still trying to figure out the answer to that question a few minutes later when he was foisted into the passenger seat of Anna’s car. The moment they were on their way, Anna gave him a pointed look. “Tell me.”

Jeremy kept his gaze on the passing scenery. “Harrison and I broke up.”

“Crap,” she said with a sigh. “I had a feeling that might be it. What happened?”

Drawing his bottom lip between his teeth, Jeremy bit down hard before clearing his throat to respond. “I don’t want to get into it.”

Glancing his way, Anna made an exasperated noise. “At least tell me who did the breaking.”

“Harrison said the words, and I didn’t try to stop him from saying them. So, I suppose you could say it was mutual.”

“Oh.” She sounded surprised and, when he finally turned to look at her, she gave him a single-shouldered shrug. “I guess it’s for the best, if it’s what you both wanted.”

“What we wanted?” Jeremy huffed out a sad laugh. “I don’t think either of us knows what the hell we want. Considering, right after he broke up with me, Harrison told me how stupid in love with me he is.”

“What?” Anna’s facial expression twisted itself into a knot at that logic. “Now I’m confused.”

Leaning his head back against the seat, Jeremy closed his eyes. “You don’t know the half of it.”

“Why didn’t you call me?”

“It only happened yesterday, and I don’t think you would have appreciated the call at three in the morning,” he pointed out. His sister wasn’t a woman who enjoyed being woken up unexpectedly. “Besides, I can’t come running to you every time my love life is in the toilet.”

“Why not?” she cried indignantly. “I come running to you when I need a shoulder to cry on. And don’t give me any of that men don’t cry testosterone crap either. I’m your sister. We’re supposed to be there for each other.”

She was right, of course. They always turned to each other when times got tough. Or, at least, they had once they’d past adolescence and stopped trying to annoy the hell out of each other. Turning his head, he gave her a grateful smile. “Thanks for driving me home.”

Mollified, at least for now, she glanced at him out of the corner of her eye. “You’re welcome.”

They reached his place and Jeremy headed off to change out of his work clothes and wash his face. Both of which made him feel vaguely human. When he came back to the living area, Anna sat at the kitchen table sifting through his collection of takeaway menus. “You’re buying me dinner,” she told him as she scanned the selection from the local Indian restaurant.

“That’s nice of me.” Jeremy ignored the hot mug of tea Anna had placed on the table for him. Tea isn’t going to fix this. Harrison had been spot-on there. He grabbed a beer from the fridge and wandered over to the couch, collapsing onto one end.

Anna started to join him but stopped halfway. “Are you wearing a polo shirt?” she asked, twisting her lips. “Since when do you… oh no, seriously?” Walking over, she reached for the shirt and examined the business logo stitched into the material over the left side of his chest. “Are you wearing one of Harrison’s work shirts?”

He yanked the material free and smoothed it down. “He left it here when he bolted out the door yesterday morning.” After wearing it to bed last night, he’d put it back on a few minutes earlier without even thinking about it. That was one of the advantages of having a boyfriend, or rather an ex-boyfriend, who was the same size. “It smells like him,” he moped, before dropping his head onto the back of the couch. “I’m pathetic.”

“Yes,” she agreed. “Yes, you are.” Sitting on the other end of the couch, she stared at him. “Start talking or I’ll beat it out of you.”

Jeremy didn’t bother lifting his head as he turned to look at her. “You may want to get yourself one of these,” he suggested, gesturing to his beer bottle. “You’re gonna need it.”

An hour later, Jeremy sat cross-legged on the living room floor, his head propped up on the arm he had resting on the coffee table. He poked at a piece of curried chicken with his fork and listened to Anna moan. She’d been at it for at least ten minutes. It was starting to get annoying.

“I can’t believe I told you to put aside your concerns and go for it. You were right all along. Harrison is the equivalent of a relationship nightmare!” She buried her face back in her hands. “I’m so sorry.”

He shrugged. “It’s not your fault. What were the chances I’d end up going from bad with Aaron to worse with Harrison?” He hadn’t given her all the details of Harrison’s past, of course. Those weren’t his secrets to tell. But he’d needed someone to talk to and he trusted Anna more than anyone else in the world. So, he’d told her about Harrison’s struggles with depression, and given her enough of the broad strokes regarding his childhood that she knew it was bad—real fucking bad.

“It could be a coincidence,” she agreed, “but I’ve read about this sort of thing before. Like when people get out of one abusive relationship only to end up in another one when they meet someone new. And they keep repeating the cycle until they learn whatever lesson they’re supposed to learn from it. Then, boom,” she spread her fingers dramatically, “suddenly they’re free.”

“That’s not what happened here,” Jeremy insisted, putting down his fork. “Harrison may have been abused, but he was not abusive. And he’s nothing like Aaron.”

“I didn’t mean it like that,” she assured him. “I’m talking about the cycle part. You’ve always loved taking care of people. You’re a giver, like Mum, it’s in your nature. I think that’s why you were drawn to Aaron in the first place. Because he needed your big, manly self to sweep in and take care of his very great emotional needs.” Her sarcasm grew as the sentence continued until Anna started to shudder at her own descriptors. “Perhaps, just perhaps,” she spoke hesitantly now, as if she didn’t want to push this new idea too hard in case he rejected it out of hand, “you sensed the same need in Harrison, and that’s why you fell for him so fast.”

Jeremy picked at the label on his empty beer bottle as he considered Anna’s words. They rolled around in his mind, tumbling and turning, but refused to click into place. “I don’t think of Harrison that way,” he said, finally. “I think of him as headstrong and determined.” He’d experienced the other man’s determination in the way Harrison had worked his way into Jeremy’s life, despite Jeremy’s own resolve to keep their relationship casual. Nothing about Harrison struck Jeremy as needy. “I didn’t really understand Harrison until I knew the whole story and could put the pieces together for myself. But I get it now.”

“What do you get?” Anna tore up the last piece of naan bread and popped some into her mouth.

“How hard he works, to be the best version of himself.” The rules Harrison followed every day of his life. The books on resilience he kept on his shelves and the poem hanging on his wall. My head is bloody, but unbowed. The idea this man needed someone else to come in and take responsibility for him was ludicrous. “Harrison doesn’t need me to take care of him, he does a perfectly good job of that himself,” Jeremy said, as a new idea occurred to him. “But he does need me.”

“For what?” Anna asked.

“To make him laugh.” He smiled at the baffled look on his sister’s face. “Harrison said he loves me because I make happiness look contagious, and that everything about me is incredible to him.”

Anna’s eyes lit up and her mouth dropped open. “Holy crap. That’s the most romantic thing I’ve ever heard. I wish a hot guy would say that to me.”

“It was pretty amazing,” he said with a nod. “Even if he was breaking up with me at the time.”

Getting up from the couch, Anna took her empty plate into the kitchen. “You know, if he needs a crash course on your faults I can totally help him out there.”

Jeremy laughed for the first time in two days. It felt good. “I’ll bet you could,” he said as he followed her.

After they cleaned up, Anna leaned back against the kitchen counter with her arms crossed over her chest. “What are you going to do?” she asked.

“I have no idea.” Letting out a sigh, Jeremy shook his head. “You saw what I was like with Aaron. He was needy and manipulative, sure, but I enabled him every step of the way. By the time we were done I couldn’t breathe without him and he couldn’t stand without me.” Harrison had said he worried about hurting Jeremy, but Harrison wasn’t the only one capable of inflicting damage here. “What if I’m bad for Harrison? He’s so strong and independent. What if I somehow sabotage him?”

“Bloody hell, Jeremy.” Anna rolled her eyes at him. “You’re so dire. Can’t you just be there for him while he takes care of himself?”

Jeremy wasn’t sure he understood how that was different from what he’d done with Aaron. “How does that even work?”

“You’ll figure it out.” She scooped her purse and shopping bags up off the table. “Thanks for dinner, bro. I have to go, but let me know when you two have sorted yourselves out, will you? I’m thinking of buying some new furniture and I’ll need someone to lug it home for me.” He gave her a peevish look and she shrugged. “Why should I pay a delivery fee when I can make use of my brother and his boyfriend?”

“That’s why you like having a gay brother?” Jeremy teased. “For the additional lifting power?”

“Duh,” Anna replied. “What else are you good for?”

CHAPTER 22

Three days, four text messages and two phone calls later, Jeremy turned up at Harrison’s door with one freshly washed and folded polo shirt. He’d officially turned into a freaking stalker, but with every failed attempt at communication with Harrison he’d become more worried… and annoyed… but mostly worried. Finally, as Friday night rolled around and Harrison continued to ignore him, he’d decided to take action that couldn’t be ignored. The shirt Harrison left behind had provided the perfect excuse to stop by.

He pounded on the door, satisfied with the loud rapping of his knuckles against the wood. There was no answer, no sound to indicate anyone was home. Moving closer, he pressed his ear against the door, then knocked again. He gasped when he heard the slightest of sounds, like the rasp of fingers sliding along the wood on the other side. If he hadn’t had his ear pressed against the door he would have missed it.

Dropping onto his knees, he crouched down to peer through the sliver of space under the door. A movement in the shadows told him for sure, someone was in there. Why the hell wasn’t he answering? Surely Harrison wasn’t that desperate to avoid him. Jeremy jumped back to his feet and pounded on the door a third time. “You might as well open up,” he called out, “because I’m not leaving until you talk to me.”

He waited. And waited some more. “Come on,” he muttered under his breath, the perfectly folded polo shirt crushed in his hands. “Open the damned door.”

The click of the lock turning made him breathe a sigh of relief. When the door opened, what he saw made him want to suck the relieved sigh back in and swallow it.

“Hey.” Harrison’s voice was flat. Little more than a croak. His gaze hovered somewhere around Jeremy’s chest.

Jeremy’s eyes travelled the length of him. From the top of his unwashed hair, over the old t-shirt and wrinkled pyjama pants, all the way down to his bare feet. Jeremy dragged his eyes back to Harrison’s face. It was drawn and rough with unshaven whiskers. There were dark circles under his eyes and Jeremy wondered how long it had been since Harrison had gotten any sleep. Then he remembered the kind of dreams awaiting Harrison when he did sleep. Maybe being awake was better.

“Why are you here?” Harrison asked.

“I tried calling and texting, but you didn’t respond.” He cleared his throat, not wanting to admit he’d been freaking out over Harrison’s mental status—especially now he knew his concern had been justified. “I was um… I was worried.”

“I haven’t been feeling well.” Harrison’s eyes flickered up to meet his for the briefest of moments before dropping once more. “But there’s no need to worry. I’m fine.”

Jeremy couldn’t help the way his eyebrows raised. “This is what fine looks like?”

Harrison’s shoulders pulled back, but he turned his face away. “Today it is.” No anger permeated his voice when he spoke. No annoyance, or exasperation, or… anything at all. “This isn’t a good time for me.”

“Right.” Frowning, Jeremy looked down at the shirt he’d forgotten about. “You left this at my place,” he said, holding it out. “I washed it for you.”

After a moment’s hesitation, Harrison reached out to take the shirt. His fingers grazed Jeremy’s for a moment and Jeremy saw him swallow before he dropped his hand back to his side, the material clenched in his fist. “Thank you,” he rasped. “I need to go. I’ll call you when I’m feeling better. We can talk then.” Without saying goodbye, he closed the door.

Jeremy stood there for a long time. He had no idea what to do. Should he leave? Do as Harrison asked and wait for him to call when he felt better? Something about that didn’t feel right.

He put his hand on the doorknob. Harrison hadn’t reengaged the lock when he closed the door, Jeremy was sure of it. He would be able to walk right in if he wanted to. But then what?

Be there for him as he takes care of himself. Anna’s words of advice sounded simple, but Jeremy had no idea how to put them into practise. The moment he’d seen Harrison’s face he’d wanted to wrap the other man up in his arms and do anything he could to take the pain away. That’s what he’d always done with Aaron and the extra attention had seemed to soothe Aaron’s wounds, at least temporarily. Coddling had no place here, though. Such tactics would be seen as an insult to a man of Harrison’s strength and discipline. Which left Jeremy clueless as to how he could help.

Frustrated by his own train of thought, Jeremy forced himself to walk back to his car. If he couldn’t manage to put aside his own compulsive need to fix everything, he had no right being here anyway. Getting into the car, Jeremy swore as he slammed the door closed.

How could he just leave? Harrison was obviously in the middle of a full-blown depressive episode. It didn’t take a genius to figure out their break up had been the trigger. Harrison couldn’t possibly be better off facing it alone. But if Jeremy wasn’t going to kiss the horrifyingly traumatic boo-boo and make it better, what was he going to do?

Harrison had said Jeremy made happiness seem possible by being in the same room. Maybe that was the only answer he needed. He could be an anchor of sorts. Not trying to pull Harrison out of the darkness but giving him something to hold on to so he didn’t drift too far into the void. If he framed it like that, maybe he could figure out how to exist in the same space as Harrison, without making an arse of himself. The idea made a certain sense in his head, even if he was kind of vague on the technicalities of pulling it off. He started the car, filled with a new kind of purpose. At least now he knew what he would do.

* * *

It was nearly eight o’clock at night by the time Jeremy got back. With his backpack slung over his shoulder and a couple of shopping bags clutched in one hand, he opened the door to Harrison’s apartment. He’d been right earlier. Harrison had forgotten to lock it after closing it in his face. At least Jeremy wouldn’t make the same mistake.

Locking the door behind him, he turned to put his backpack beside the couch, and stopped when he noticed Harrison’s framed copy of Invictus had been taken down off the wall. The frame now sat on the floor, turned so only the back was visible. On the brown paper taped there, three words had been scrawled in thick, black marker. Minute by minute. Jeremy stared at the words for a long moment. They were a perfect reflection of how he was dealing with this whole situation, one minute at a time, while hoping like hell he didn’t fuck it up.

He carried the shopping bags into the kitchen and started to unpack them. He was about halfway through when he saw Harrison leaning against the wall at the end of the hallway. His arms were wrapped around his torso as he watched Jeremy move around. “What are you doing?” he asked.

“Putting away some groceries,” Jeremy answered as he put a carton of milk in the fridge. “I didn’t buy much, but I figured if I was going to invite myself over, I should probably feed myself. Anything less would be rude.”

Harrison took a deep breath and released it slowly. “I mean, what are you doing here?”

“Kat’s working at the store this weekend, so I have the next two days off. I thought I’d spend them hanging out here.”

Staring hard at the floor, Harrison tucked his hands further up his body. “I told you, I’m not good company right now.”

“Lucky for you, I’m not looking to be entertained.” He put the last few groceries in the fridge and closed the door.

“I would prefer it if you didn’t see me like this.” There was a sense of resignation in Harrison’s tone now, which was better than the total lack of anything that had been there earlier.

Jeremy shrugged. “Too late, I’ve already seen you.”

“But there’s no need for you to have to deal with it.” He rubbed at his forehead with one hand. “I can take care of myself.”

“I know. But there’s no law saying you have to be alone to do that.” Jeremy folded up his reusable shopping bags and put them aside. “I have books in my bag. I have music on my phone.” He paused for a moment before adding, “And I have nowhere else I’d rather been than here… with you.”

Harrison stared at him from across the room, still and silent as the grave. Which, given his history, was suddenly a creepier expression than it used to be.

“Look,” Jeremy said as he walked over to stand in front of Harrison, “I don’t want to get in the way of you doing whatever it is you need to do. All I want is to be here for you while you’re doing it. Let me learn how to do that.”

Harrison’s eyes slid closed and his shoulders dropped from where they’d been crowding around his ears. “Fine. But don’t utter the five most annoying words in the universe—ever.”

Lifting his eyebrows, Jeremy asked, “What would they be?”

Holding up one hand, Harrison counted the words out with his fingers. “Are. You. Feeling. Better.” His thumb popped out to join the rest. “Yet.”

Jeremy released a breathy laugh. “I promise.”

“Good.” Harrison turned to make his way back down the hallway. “Make yourself at home,” he muttered over his shoulder. “I’m going back to bed.”

Taking a deep breath, Jeremy looked down at the frame near his feet. Minute by minute. He could do that.

Crossing the room, he opened the curtains to reveal the glass doors that led to a small balcony. Now the dawn would shine through when it arrived. He pulled a Neil Gaiman novel out of his backpack and sat down on the couch. Taking off his shoes, he propped his feet up on the ottoman and opened the cover of the book.

He was halfway through the second chapter when Harrison shuffled back into the room. “Hey,” he said quietly.

Harrison didn’t reply. But he did climb onto the couch and lie down with his head in Jeremy’s lap. Jeremy didn’t move as Harrison pulled a blanket off the back of the couch to cover himself, despite the warmth of the spring evening. Then, he just lay there, staring at the ceiling.

Jeremy reached out to stroke Harrison’s hair, hoping he didn’t mind the contact. When Harrison gave a soft exhale, his eyes closing, Jeremy figured it was safe to continue. The dark blond strands were a little longer than they’d been when Jeremy met him, and they curled around his fingers, soft and a little oily. Jeremy smiled. The man needed a shower. His clothes were grungy as hell and his odour was a little on the ripe side, but none of it mattered. As far as Jeremy was concerned, Harrison Winters was still the most beautiful man he’d ever known. I guess this really is love, he mused. With a contented sigh, he went back to reading his book.

CHAPTER 23

I hate that he’s here. He shouldn’t be here. This is wrong. I hate that I like having him here. I’m not good for him. I want him to stay. I hate that I want him to stay. I shouldn’t want this. It’s so wrong for him. I’m so wrong for him.

The thoughts revolved in Harrison’s head as he watched Jeremy sleep, his breathing slow and deep as he rested peacefully. Every feature was relaxed, his lips parted slightly. How do you do that? Why can’t I? I hate that you get to sleep and I don’t, but I don’t want you to wake up because you need your rest.

Harrison had given up trying to sleep hours ago. The dreams came on too quickly and they hurt too much. Sitting up in the bed, he rubbed at gritty eyes with the heels of his hands. Every bone in his body ached and his head hurt from thinking too much. He could take a couple of pain killers, but the thought of swallowing pills made him want to vomit. This is for the best, Harry.

Pushing back the covers, he got up and dragged his feet into the living room. He turned on the television but muted the sound. It was three in the morning. Home shopping. He curled up on the couch and stared at the screen, hoping the bright colours would distract his brain. Normal people are asleep at this time of night. Normal people don’t disappear inside their own heads for weeks at a time. You were never normal. Your blood is cursed by madness. Don’t try to be poetic, fancy words can’t make you less of a mistake.

Jeremy’s voice came to him then, interrupting the litany in his head. The words and the art combined can change a life. He thought of the poem he usually kept on his wall. He’d done the lettering when he was sixteen. He could remember how proud he’d been when Laurel called it ‘a true work of art.’ She didn’t mean it, she was being paid to humour you. When he was healthy, he read the poem first thing every morning, to remind himself of the choice he’d made so long ago—to live, to fight. And yet the menace of the years, finds and shall find me unafraid.

Except he was afraid. Not the kind of afraid that made him scream or quake with terror. It was the kind that made him want to hide, like a coward, under the covers with his hands over his ears. What if I don’t make it? What if this is the time the darkness never lifts? What if I’m trapped here forever? What if everyone gives up on me?

They should give up on you. No one should have to deal with this. It’s too fucked up. You’re too fucked up. Jeff and Celeste only took you in because they had to. You’re a blood relative, what other choice did they have? Jeremy isn’t here because he loves you. He feels sorry for you because you’re such a pathetic mess. How could anyone love a man who can’t laugh without crying? What the fuck has that kid got to be so happy about anyway? This is for the best, Harry. I love you, Harry. This is for the best—

A hand landed on his shoulder and he recoiled, gasping.

“Hey, it’s just me.” Jeremy sat down beside him, wearing only a pair of pyjama pants, his eyelids still heavy with sleep. “Mind if I join you?”

Harrison shook his head. He didn’t resist when Jeremy took his hand, threading their fingers together. Jeremy kissed the back of his hand before lowering it to his lap. “Home shopping,” he murmured as he lay his head on Harrison’s shoulder. “You are desperate.”

They watched together. Jeremy made jokes about the products being sold, occasionally he ad-libbed dialogue to go with the muted pictures. Within half an hour he was wondering out loud if maybe he did need a ladder that transformed into thirty different types of ladder. It could be handy in the store. The natural cadence of his voice was soothing. It quieted the voices in Harrison’s head, helping him to relax.

The next product was being sold when Harrison’s eyelids grew heavy. He’d stretched out on his back on the couch by then, a cushion under his head. Jeremy had laid down on top of him. The couch was almost long enough to accommodate them lying down—almost was good enough. He let his fingers wander the length of Jeremy’s bare back, a soft touch that followed every curve and valley. Every so often, he’d travel all the way up to the nape of Jeremy’s neck where he’d discovered a sensitive spot that made the other man shiver. He liked it when Jeremy shivered.

“You can push me off if I’m too heavy,” Jeremy said after they’d been like that for a long time, though he didn’t bother raising his head from Harrison’s chest as he said it.

Moving his head from side-to-side, Harrison spoke for the first time since Jeremy joined him. “I like the weight.”

With a contented sigh, Jeremy pressed a kiss to Harrison chest. “I like the sound of your heartbeat.”

Harrison tightened his arms around Jeremy’s body, wrapped his legs around the back of Jeremy’s calves until they were as close as physically possible. When sleep pulled him under, he went with it. He slept until long after the sun had risen. And he didn’t dream.

* * *

An alarm went off on Harrison’s mobile phone three times a day, a single word appearing on the screen: EAT.

The first time Harrison dragged himself out of bed in response, Jeremy didn’t notice. He was lying on the couch at the time, deep in the climax of his novel, and he didn’t come out of his book coma until the smell of fried rice reached his nose.

Making his way into the kitchen, he found Harrison had pulled two pre-prepared meals from the freezer and was nearly done reheating them in the microwave. “You know,” Jeremy teased as Harrison handed him a steaming plate of food, “I can take care of myself.”

Harrison didn’t pretend to smile at his joke. “I’m counting on it.”

They sat down to eat, although in Harrison’s case there was less chewing involved and more pushing the food around on the plate.

“This is delicious,” Jeremy told him after a few bites. “How many of these meals do you have stashed away?”

“About two weeks’ worth. I keep the freezer stocked for times when I don’t have the energy to cook.”

Jeremy cringed. “They’ll only last one week if you keep feeding the local moocher.” He kept his gaze on Harrison, wondering if he’d object to the idea of him continuing to hang around. Harrison didn’t show any sign of reacting at all. “How about I cook dinner tonight?” he suggested. “Then, I won’t feel bad about scoffing one of your lunches.”

There was a long silence as a war waged in Harrison’s eyes over whether or not to accept. Jeremy was sorry he’d done something to add to the other man’s stress. He hadn’t thought the idea of him cooking a meal would be a big deal. Apparently, he was wrong.

“I’d like to cook,” Jeremy assured him. “Even if I’m not great at it. It’s something I enjoy.”

Finally, Harrison gave a short nod. “All right.” The deep breath he took seemed to ease some of the tension in his shoulders before he added, “You are a good cook.”

Jeremy gave him a smile. “Thank you for saying so.”

By the time the alarm went off again at dusk, Jeremy knew what it meant. “Why do you have a food alarm?” he asked as they sat down to the stir fry he’d thrown together. “Is there a possibility of you starving to death by accident?”

Another long pause ensued. Jeremy no longer got the feeling Harrison was censoring his words though. It was more like he was taking care to find the right ones. “I forgot to eat once. My aunty found out. She moved in with me until I got better.” He made a face at the memory. “I love Aunty Cel, but I’m too old for force-feeding. The next time I had a relapse I started using reminders, so it wouldn’t happen again.”

“And the threat of another intervention is enough to stop you from ignoring them?” Harrison nodded, and Jeremy snorted in amusement. “I can understand that. How long did you forget to eat for?”

Harrison shrugged. “I’m not sure. Four days, maybe five.” He looked up abruptly, as if realising what he’d just admitted. “It happened a long time ago. I don’t usually get that bad anymore.”

Jeremy forced himself to keep a blank face as he chewed and swallowed. He forgot breakfast occasionally, or worked through lunch, but four days? How did that even happen? “I’m with Aunty Cel,” he said. “I would have force-fed you, too.” He sat back in his chair and put his hands behind his head as he stretched. “I think I’ll like your aunty. She sounds like my kind of woman.”

Giving up on the food after a few bites, Harrison put his fork down and considered Jeremy for a long moment before he said, “I could introduce you some time. If you want.”

“That would be great.” Jeremy stood up, leaning over to place a quick kiss on Harrison’s cheek before he started clearing the dishes.

A hand covered his as he stacked the plates. “I’ll do these,” Harrison said from beside him. “You cooked.”

“No need,” Jeremy assured him. “You rest. I’ll take care of everything else.” Heading for the sink, he turned the water on before glancing at Harrison over his shoulder. “Can I get you anything?”

Harrison rubbed a hand over the back of his neck, not looking up as he left the room. “No, thanks. I’m good.”

* * *

On Sunday morning, Harrison took a shower. He sat on the floor and let the water pound against his head and back until the heat ran out and the stream turned to miniature icicles striking his skin. Before he got out, he ran soap over his body. The shampoo bottle was out of reach, so he washed is hair with soap as well.

Once he’d dried himself off, he cleaned his teeth and shaved the stubble from his cheeks. Then, he forced himself to meet his own gaze in the bathroom mirror. He looked like shit, but at least he was clean shit now. If only he could clean his insides the way he could clean the outside. Pull the brain from his skull and scrub away the parts that did the over-thinking. Maybe he could even get into the nooks and crannies to dislodge the memories that hid there, waiting to pounce.

When he walked back into the bedroom he saw Jeremy smoothing fresh sheets onto the bed. The dirty ones sat in a pile on the floor.

“I hope you don’t mind,” Jeremy said, his lips twisting into a wry grin. “I thought fresh sheets might feel nice.”

“Sure. Thank you.” Harrison pulled on a clean pair of shorts. He probably should have been embarrassed he’d let his personal hygiene fall so far below standard—should have been, but wasn’t. If Jeremy objected to the stench he was free to escape this little piece of hell any time he wanted. All he had to do was walk through the front door. Harrison didn’t have that luxury. If he left, hell would follow.

“Can I get you anything?” Jeremy asked.

Harrison shook his head. Jeremy had started asking that question yesterday afternoon, sometime before dinner. He asked again after dinner, before he went to bed, after he woke up. As if somehow there would be a different answer. Something other than ‘no.’

The clean sheets did feel nice as Harrison stretched out on his stomach. The effort of cleaning himself up had left him exhausted. Now he was able to get a few hours of sleep at a time, that was all he wanted.

Jeremy stood beside the bed for a long moment, watching him. He wanted to help, Harrison was painfully aware of that. The need to do something to make him better rolled off Jeremy in waves. Only there was nothing he could do.

“You want to join me for a nap?” It was the only offer Harrison felt capable of making.

Crouching down beside the bed, Jeremy stroked his bare shoulder. “That’s probably not a good idea,” he murmured. “You may have noticed this already, but I find you hellishly attractive. If I get into bed with you at ten in the morning, I’m not going to want to nap.” He leaned over to place a kiss against the base of Harrison’s spine. “And I should stop talking like this because I’m already at half-mast.” He smiled as he pulled back to gaze into Harrison’s face, smoothing the hair back from his forehead. “I love you.”

Harrison listened to the words, but they produced no reflection in him. No pleasure, no desire… no love. His own indifference made him feel worse. Because the last time Jeremy said those words, Harrison had said them back—with fervour, with utter devotion. Where did those feelings go?

He glimpsed the disappointment in Jeremy’s eyes at his lack of response, though the other man did his best to hide it. It was more than Harrison could take. He turned away, curling up into himself and wishing Jeremy would leave the room.

“You get some sleep.” There was movement as Jeremy rose from beside the bed. “When you wake up, I’ll make us something to eat. I’ll be in the living room if you need anything.”

Harrison squeezed his eyes closed as the freshly changed sheets grew wet beneath his cheek. He liked having Jeremy in the apartment with him, but at the same time he wished he would leave—at least for a little while, so he could breath. He had been there for less than forty-eight hours and already Jeremy was looking for responses Harrison didn’t have to give, confirmations he was terrified would never come. It was too much, too hard, too suffocating.

Beneath the agitation and the confusion were the words he could never bring himself to say to this man he remembered loving, even if he couldn’t feel it. Please, don’t give up on me.

* * *

The other side of the bed was empty when Jeremy woke up before dawn on Monday morning. He padded into the living room and found Harrison sitting on the couch. His legs were drawn up in front of him, one hand curled in front of his mouth as he stared out the glass door into the night. A single lamp glowed on the nearby side table.

“Can’t sleep?”

Harrison flinched, his eyes lifting at the sound of Jeremy’s voice. “Hey,” he said as he unfolded his legs. He had what appeared to be a small photo album tucked into his lap and he reached down to put it on the lower shelf of the coffee table.

Jeremy took the hint and didn’t ask about the album. Instead, he curled up at the other end of the couch, pulling one of Harrison’s feet into his lap. They sat together in the quiet for a few minutes, until Jeremy spoke. “I was thinking, I could ask Kat to cover for me at the store the next couple of days.”

The silence became absolute as Harrison’s gaze locked on him. “Doesn’t she have classes to go to?”

“She watches most of the lectures online anyway,” he said as he massaged the sole of Harrison’s foot. “She won’t miss anything important.”

“Why would you do that?”

Jeremy shrugged. Wasn’t it obvious? “So I can spend more time here with you.”

Harrison pulled his foot away. “But you need to go to work. You have a business to run.”

“It would only be a couple more days.” He didn’t see why this was a big deal. Fandom wasn’t going to go bust if he took a couple of days off. He used to do it when Aaron needed him.

“And then what?” Harrison asked, pushing himself further back into the corner of the couch. “I’m not going to be better in a couple of days. It’ll take weeks to get back to something even remotely resembling normal. Are you planning to hover over me the entire time, ignoring your life and your responsibilities?”

Eyebrows lifting, Jeremy drew his head back. “Is that what you think I’ve been doing all weekend? Hovering over you?”

“It’s starting to feel that way.” Harrison pushed up from the couch, his breath coming in rapid bursts. “You keep doing everything for me, whether I want you to or not. And you ask me if I need anything—over and over. As if my sanity is something you can fetch from the next room if only I could remember where I left it.” His voice was rising, and his breathing came hard and fast. He looked like he was on the verge of panic. “You can’t make me better, Jeremy. Only I can do that, in my own way and at my own pace. So please, stop trying to force it and give me some space.”

Space? “But Aaron never wanted space.” The words were out of his mouth before Jeremy had a chance to think them through.

Harrison’s expression shut down and he fell backward a step. The air between them became thick with distaste. “Whatever it is you got from that man,” he bit out, his voice low in its fury, “whatever kept you bound to him for so long, you are not going to get it from me.”

“I didn’t mean…” Jeremy stopped talking. He didn’t know what to say. His head was a fucking mess. “I’m trying to understand—”

“Understand this,” Harrison bit out, his tone harsh. “I do not need you the way he did, and I never will. I am stronger than he was. Do not ever hurt yourself and claim you’re doing it out of love for me.” He backed up, his voice shaking. “I have my own burdens. I’m not about to carry yours.”

Jeremy watched, helpless, as Harrison stalked back into the bedroom, slamming the door closed behind him. For a long moment Jeremy sat there, his mouth hanging open.

Can I get you anything? It had seemed like a reasonable enough question to him. How many times had he asked? The more he thought about it, the more reluctant he became to start counting, for fear of how high the number would climb. Had he really been trying to force Harrison to get better?

He couldn’t deny there was a part of him that had spent the last two days congratulating himself on how easily he’d managed to be there for Harrison without getting in the way of whatever he needed to do. It may even have been true at first. It hadn’t taken long though, for him to slip into old patterns of behaviour. Showing his lover extra attention and attempting to cater to his every need. Only Harrison wasn’t Aaron and those old behaviours weren’t welcome here. He should have learned that lesson by now.

Moving around the room, Jeremy collected his wallet and keys from the sideboard, his backpack from its usual spot beside the front door. Pulling a pair of shorts and a t-shirt from his pack, he changed into them. Then, he thrust his feet into some shoes, and headed out to his car. He didn’t want to leave, but he suddenly found himself needing some of what Harrison had so bluntly asked for: space.

CHAPTER 24

Jeremy stayed at his place on Monday night. He washed his clothes, watered his plants, and exercised for the first time in a week. The familiar burn in his muscles that came from working out felt fantastic, and it freed him of all the excess energy he had after spending the weekend sitting on his arse. When he finished, he showered and ate dinner. The rest of the evening was spent catching up on paperwork for the store. He swore under his breath when he noticed he’d almost been late paying a bill for one of his suppliers.

That’s when he realised Harrison was right. All these little chores he’d been neglecting, these were the things he did each day to take care of himself and keep his life running smoothly. He’d still been doing them at the start of his relationship with Harrison, when everything had been going well. But the moment he came face-to-face with Harrison’s depression, he’d shifted his orbit, allowing his life to revolve around Harrison instead of himself. It had only been for a few days and his own life hadn’t suffered yet, but if Harrison hadn’t put a stop to it he would have kept on the same way. Eventually, there would have been consequences, just as there were consequences when his life revolved around Aaron.

Perhaps Harrison had been right about that, too. He’d left Aaron, in the end, because the leash Aaron kept him on had come to feel like a noose around his neck. But there was no way he would have stuck around for six years if he hadn’t gotten something out of their relationship. And he couldn’t deny part of him had thrived on being so important to another person—completely vital to his happiness. It was like a drug, and he’d been addicted.

That was the real reason he’d insisted on being single for a while, he supposed, to wean himself off that kind of relationship. As it turned out, taking care of himself when he was alone was the easy part. Now he had to learn to continue taking care of himself while loving someone else—through bad times as well as good. Learning to do that would have been much simpler with someone who didn’t struggle with the issues Harrison had to deal with. But apparently his heart had decided to give a big ‘Fuck You’ to simple, because Harrison was, without a doubt, the man Jeremy wanted.

Thinking back over the last few months, he was reminded of how easy it had been to fall in love with Harrison. They’d clicked from day one. They enjoyed each other’s company, had plenty of shared interests, and the sex was hot as all freaking hell. Jeremy had been happier with Harrison than he’d ever been in his life. And although things weren’t great right now, Jeremy believed they could get past it.

And so, after work on Tuesday night, he headed straight back to Harrison’s apartment. He tried the knob and found the door unlocked again. They were going to have to talk about that. For a security guard, Harrison had a rather lax approach to home security.

Closing the door behind him, he turned around and took in the empty living room. The curtains had been drawn closed again, Invictus was still on the floor. A reality TV show played on the muted television.

He was still standing there, his backpack over one shoulder, when Harrison walked into the room. He stopped short as their eyes met. Jeremy had thought he might look better after getting the space he’d craved. If anything, he looked worse.

“Hey,” Jeremy offered. He took a deep breath to calm his pulse, feeling every bit as nervous as he had the night of their first date. “I hope you don’t mind me showing up unannounced—again.” They hadn’t spoken since Harrison stormed out of this very room before dawn on Monday, putting an end to their confrontation. It was entirely possible Harrison didn’t want him here. He probably should have considered that before he walked through the door.

“You came back.” Harrison sounded bewildered by the fact. “Why?”

“Because I’m in love with you,” he said, holding the other man’s gaze. “And because there is still nowhere else I’d rather be.”

Harrison shook his head. “That doesn’t make any sense. Being around me doesn’t make you feel good anymore, it can’t possibly.”

Jeremy frowned at the absurdity of Harrison’s words. “I’ll admit this past week hasn’t been brimming with rainbows and unicorns, but all relationships have their ups and downs. This is our down, it will pass.” He took a step closer. “I’m not going to throw us away because we hit a bump in the road.”

“This is more than a bump,” Harrison said with a heavy sigh, refusing to meet his gaze. “I’m not good for you.”

“Are you sure you haven’t got that backward?”

Harrison looked up then, confusion clouding his eyes.

“I’m the one who fell back into old patterns,” Jeremy pointed out. “I’m the one who fucked up here. There’s some part of me that’s all too eager to self-destruct, as if it’s some sort of romantic gesture. You saw that, and you stopped it from happening.” He took another step forward, wishing away the distance that still separated them. “Harrison, you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Don’t you get that?”

He’d hoped his declaration would bring a smile to Harrison’s face, instead the other man seemed to crumble before his eyes. “No.” He spat the word out, shaking his head in denial. “The way I spoke to you, the things I said. I can’t get it out of my head.” He rubbed his hands over his face, swiping at the tears that filled his eyes. “I hurt you and I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t be. I needed to hear it.” Closing the last of the distance between them, Jeremy took hold of Harrison’s wrists, drawing his hands away from his face. “You were right. I believed as long as I was here with you, you’d automatically start to get better. Just like that.”

“I wish it were so simple,” Harrison muttered. Sliding his hands into Jeremy’s, Harrison drew him over to the couch where they sat facing each other. “Is that how things worked between you and Aaron?”

“Pretty much.” Jeremy hung his head. “Apparently, it gave me a really big ego.”

“Don’t worry. We’ll bring that down to size.” There was no evidence of amusement in Harrison’s tone, or his expression, but Jeremy had no doubt he’d intended the words as a joke and the knowledge still made him smile.

“I’m glad it doesn’t work like that between you and me though,” Jeremy added. “I mean, I hate that you’re hurting, and I would still like to think my being here helps in some way.”

“It does,” Harrison interjected. “I promise.”

“But the thing is…” Jeremy paused, searching for the right words. This was the last time he wanted Aaron’s name to ever pass between them, so he wanted to make sure he explained himself properly. “When Aaron broke, every time he broke, he would cut me with the pieces. You don’t. You gather the pieces up, give them a polish, and then you set about putting them back together. I know you would do the same, whether I was here or not. Which means I’m free to stay or go as I please, right?”

Harrison nodded, though his grip on Jeremy’s fingers tightened. “Right.”

“Well then, it pleases me to stay.” A smile curved Jeremy’s lips as he added, “And you will always know why I’m here. Not because I feel like I don’t have a choice, or I feel guilty, or because I’m worried about what you’ll do without me. I’m here because I want to be with you.” The corners of Harrison’s mouth lifted, and the sight did things to Jeremy’s insides that told him this was exactly where he was meant to be.

With a relieved sigh, Harrison leaned down to kiss his knuckles. “Have you eaten?” he asked once he straightened.

Jeremy shook his head. “Not yet.”

Harrison gestured toward the kitchen with a tilt of his head. “I have a frozen lasagne with your name on it.”

Smiling, he nodded. “Sounds awesome.”

That night, when they got into bed, Harrison took hold of one of Jeremy’s arms before rolling away from him. He scooted back, fitting his butt into the cradle of Jeremy’s hips and tucking the arm he’d captured around his waist. “I want to be the little spoon tonight.”

Chuckling, Jeremy snuggled in close, flattening the palm of his hand against Harrison’s chest. “I take it you’ve had enough space for now?”

“Forget space,” Harrison muttered. “I hate space today.”

Jeremy placed a kiss on the curve of Harrison’s shoulder. “Why is that?”

“Because I missed you.” Turning his head, Harrison joined their mouths in a brief kiss. “And I’m glad you’re home.”

CHAPTER 25

The rest of the week proved to be drama-free. Harrison slept a lot, but also managed to shower every day and began to eat a little more at each meal. Jeremy continued going to work, occasionally staying late to send out extra orders. He went back to exercising regularly and generally made an effort to keep his shit sorted.

Most importantly, he stopped attempting to change or cater to Harrison’s mood. He came to the conclusion that just because Harrison was off wandering around in the darker corners of his mind right now, didn’t mean he needed to be wrenched back out again by some fuckwit who’d never been depressed a day in his life. Once he worked that out, he discovered there were still ways to enjoy the other man’s company. Even if they were only hanging out watching television or listening to music.

Jeremy did start to rethink the enjoyment part, though, on Thursday night when Harrison put on a playlist that could only have come from the seventh dimension of hell. Despair and desolation coloured every lyric and, by the third song, Jeremy was ready to tear his own hair out.

“Dude,” he said, throwing a balled-up piece of paper in Harrison’s direction. “This music is depressing enough to make a Tibetan monk consider drinking the Kool-Aid. Shouldn’t you be listening to pop music or something? It makes boppy teenagers happy.”

“Only if I want my ears to bleed.” Harrison was lying on the floor on the far side of the coffee table. Sitting up, he snagged a men’s health magazine from the lower shelf. He ripped out a couple of pages and wrapped them around the ball of paper Jeremy had thrown at him, making it bigger and a little weightier. “I’m sad today. I like listening to sad music when I’m sad.” He threw the paper ball and it bounced off Jeremy’s forehead. “It’s cathartic.”

“It doesn’t make you worse?” Jeremy leaned backwards over the couch, twisting his body until he managed to snag the paper ball with two outstretched fingers.

“Sometimes it can, but not today.” He rubbed at the centre of his chest with one hand. “I’m feeling the need to, kind of, lean into the sadness. It can hurt but, trust me, it’s better than feeling nothing.”

Jeremy clambered off the couch. “Lean into the sadness,” he said, adopting a thoughtful expression as he took the magazine from Harrison’s lap and ripped out a few pages of his own. Once he’d added them to the ever-growing ball, he dropped it on Harrison’s head. “All right. Let’s do this.” Grabbing Harrison’s phone off the coffee table he collapsed onto the couch and started a search on the music app Harrison had hooked up to the speaker. “I’m picking the next song.” He’d located the one he wanted when the paper ball hit him in the nose. He laughed as he fell onto his back. “Good shot.”

He turned to look at Harrison, who eyed him with frank suspicion. “No bop or pop.”

“Babe, trust me,” Jeremy said with a lop-sided grin. “This song is so sad it’ll make your tear ducts writhe in ecstasy.”

“We’ll see.” Another page ripped, and Harrison made a second paper ball, since Jeremy had made no move to return the first one. “Bring it on.”

The ensuing debate over who could produce the most melancholy song was interspersed with a paper ball war that saw the once-glossy magazine decimated and the living room floor littered with its scrunched up remains.

* * *

Harrison sat on the floor in the living room again, halfway through a Hellboy comic, when Jeremy came through the door on Friday night. He tilted his head back to receive Jeremy’s greeting kiss, grateful for the bubble of pleasure that expanded inside him.

“How are you doing?” Jeremy asked.

“Good,” he replied, closing the comic and tossing it onto the pile in front of him. “I went for a walk today.”

“You did?” Jeremy smiled as he sat on the floor beside Harrison and leaned back against the couch. “That’s a good thing, right?”

“Yes, it’s a good thing.” One corner of Harrison’s mouth lifted. “It means I’m on the way up. Time to recharge.”

Jeremy lifted a sceptical brow. “This is how you recharge? By reading comics?”

Harrison nudged Jeremy’s shoulder with his own. “There are worse ways,” he pointed out, picking up the hardcover book that sat on his other side. It described the origin stories of all the greatest comic book superheros. Opening the front cover, he showed Jeremy the inscription on the inside.

“To my young warrior,” Jeremy read out loud. “Always keep fighting. Love Uncle Jeff.”

Closing the book, Harrison ran his hands over the cover. “When I first woke up in the hospital, after the great tequila incident, my uncle was furious with me. He told me he was mad because I was letting that bastard win.”

“Your father?” Jeremy guessed.

Harrison nodded. “He gave me this book and brought me a stack of superhero comics to read while I recovered. Each one was based on a character whose past was as screwed up as mine. There were guys whose parents had been murdered, or they’d been in horrific accidents, all sorts of random crap. Except none of them tried to escape—not the way I had anyway. They found a reason to go on. Revenge, protecting others, bringing someone to justice. Whatever the reason, they used skill and discipline to find a way. They never gave up, never stopped fighting.

“That’s when I decided to take Uncle Jeff’s advice and fight for my own life, instead of giving up on it. I figured if these guys could use discipline to keep a level head, and keep going, so could I.”

There was a look in Jeremy’s eyes, like pride. “It must have been hard,” he said. “Building yourself back up from nothing.”

“Hell, yes.” He’d had to make the same decision every day, to keep fighting. Some days had been easier, other days he’d barely managed to hang on. “A while after I started seeing Laurel, I told her about my little epiphany and she totally ran with it. She started helping me develop my own set of rules to live by. I started to run, show up to school, learned how to make friends. It took a long time to get it all working together, but I had good people helping me and over time I learned to trust them.” He took a deep breath. “I’ve been living by the same rules ever since. When I start breaking them, or I can’t summon the energy to get through them… I know I’m heading for a relapse. Time to batten down the hatches so to speak.”

When Jeremy met his gaze, Harrison saw the concern that filled them. “Don’t you ever worry one day you’ll fall too far… be tempted to give up?” He spoke cautiously, as if he wasn’t sure he should ask, but needed to.

“Hey,” he said, cupping Jeremy’s cheek as he stared into his eyes. “I can’t promise it will never happen. But I’ve been close to death enough times to know what the ground tastes like. Now all I want is to live my life, as best I can. And if that changes… let’s just say my uncle and I have promises in place to deal with that, too.” When Jeremy bit down on his bottom lip, Harrison’s fingers tightened around his. “I need you to trust me, Jeremy. Every day when you walk out the door, trust I’ll still be here when you get back.”

Jeremy swallowed hard. “Even when I’m a pain in the arse?” He took a shaky breath. “Or when we piss each other off or have an argument about whose turn it is to cook?”

“Even if,” Harrison said with a smile. “Not that I enjoy fighting with my boyfriend.”

“Your boyfriend?” Jeremy asked, feigning shock. “I didn’t know you had a boyfriend.”

Harrison smirked. “Yeah, some guy I met at a convention. He had on these black suspenders and sexy as sin eyeliner. I got hard the very first time he looked at me.”

“And here you’ve spent the last few months going on about my smile,” Jeremy said with a laugh. “When in reality you’re only after the eyeliner.”

“You caught me.” Harrison grabbed his chin in one hand. “I’ve had all sorts of fantasies about messing it up.”

Eyebrows lifting, Jeremy whispered, “I didn’t know that.”

“Now you do,” Harrison murmured against his lips before their mouths met in a light, but sensual, kiss.

“Does that mean you take it back?” Jeremy asked when they parted.

“Take what back?”

Jeremy narrowed his eyes. “Breaking up with me.”

Harrison cringed as he dropped his forehead to Jeremy’s shoulder. “Right, I did that, didn’t I?”

“Damned right, you did.”

Lifting his head, Harrison stared into his eyes. “I take it back.”

“Good.” Jeremy dropped a kiss on the tip of his nose. “Don’t do it again.”

Harrison looked surprised. “Never?”

Jeremy grinned. “Never ever.”

Lifting himself up, Harrison straddled Jeremy’s lap and wrapped his arms around him. Then, burying his face into Jeremy’s neck he whispered, “I promise.”

CHAPTER 26

On Sunday morning, Harrison woke up with an erection. At first, he was so surprised he actually lifted the sheet to make sure he wasn’t imagining things. Yep, there it was—a giant boner. He huffed out a quiet laugh. Never in his life had he been so relieved to know his blood still flowed in the direction of his penis.

Turning his head, he saw Jeremy sound asleep beside him. He lay on his side, one hand tucked under his cheek. Harrison watched him sleep for a long time, soaking in the warmth of his presence. He didn’t know what he’d done to deserve this man who had stood by him these last few weeks. But he was grateful they’d made it to what he was sure now was the other side. He breathed deeply as his love for Jeremy burned strong and pure deep inside him.

Reaching out with one hand, he touched his fingertips to Jeremy’s chest, before trailing them slowly down over his ribs and stomach. When he reached Jeremy’s shaft, he stroked the length, enjoyed the feel of it rising to fill his grasp.

Jeremy released a sleepy moan as he rolled onto his back, his hips thrusting gently upward as Harrison continued to stroke him to hardness.

Scooting closer, Harrison licked a path up the side of Jeremy’s neck before kissing the corner of his mouth. “Wake up, sleepyhead,” he murmured.

A deep frown appeared on Jeremy’s face, accompanied by a reluctant groan. “Don’t want to,” he muttered. “I’m having the best dream.”

Harrison smiled and lowered his hand to cup Jeremy’s balls, squeezing gently. “You’re not dreaming.”

Sucking in a deep breath, Jeremy blinked his eyes open. He took in Harrison’s face, then looked down to where Harrison’s hand was still wrapped around him, before smiling that trademark hundred-watt smile. Delight bubbled up inside Harrison in response, making his own smile wider.

“Good morning.” Jeremy slid his arms around Harrison’s neck, stroking his bare skin with lazy hands.

Harrison winked at him. “It is indeed a good morning.” He leaned in for a kiss, dipping his tongue between Jeremy’s lips and causing the other man to moan into his mouth. Harrison spent long minutes tasting Jeremy’s eagerness, enjoying the way his body arched and twisted in an effort to get more of Harrison’s wandering touch.

Pulling Harrison on top of him, Jeremy parted his legs, so Harrison lay between his thighs. Their erections rubbed together, pre-come making for an increasingly smooth glide and Jeremy hissed in pleasure. Tilting his head to one side, he fit his mouth to Harrison’s with an impatience that demanded satisfaction.

“Oh, fuck,” Jeremy gasped a few minutes later as heated bodies strained beneath firm hands. “Too much. Is this too much?”

“Never.” Harrison refused to lift his mouth from Jeremy’s as he spoke. “I want you.”

Jeremy’s head dropped back onto the pillow as a breathy laugh escaped him. “You have no idea how much I’ve missed hearing you say that.”

“In that case, I’ll say it again.” Harrison rolled them over so Jeremy covered him like a blanket. “I want you,” he said in a husky tone, lifting his head to kiss Jeremy’s neck. “I love you.” Another kiss, to his chin. “I would do anything.” The left cheek this time. “Break any rule.” The right cheek. “Walk through the blackest night.” He leaned in to brush Jeremy’s lips once more with his own. “To be with you.”

Jeremy was barely breathing as he stared down at Harrison. It seemed he was speechless, which made Harrison grin. He didn’t think Jeremy knew how to be speechless.

Harrison licked his lips as an idea occurred to him. “Tell me you want me.”

“I want you,” was the instant reply. “I always want you.”

“In that case,” Harrison said, cupping Jeremy’s face with his hands, “you’d better suit up.”

Jeremy’s expression was at first baffled, then shocked, before settling into pure unadulterated lust. Harrison chuckled at the multiple transformations—an honest to goodness chuckle. And he knew, in that moment, he would never willingly let this man go. Not ever.

Diving for the bedside table, Jeremy produced a handful of condoms and a tube of lubricant within seconds.

Harrison rolled onto his stomach as butterflies ran riot in his belly.

“How long has it been?” Jeremy asked, coming up onto his knees behind him.

Harrison took a deep breath and repeated the words Jeremy had once said to him. “A long, long time.” Jeremy had used four ‘long’s, but Harrison decided two provided a more appropriate time frame here.

“Don’t worry.” He could hear the smile in Jeremy’s voice when the other man leaned over to drop a kiss on the small of his back. “I’ll take care of you.”

Harrison nodded. “I trust you.”

Jeremy took his time. Running his hands over Harrison’s body, stroking his hard length and generally rendering him a boneless mess. That was before he even picked up the lube.

When Jeremy inserted the first finger, Harrison stiffened all over. Taking a few deep breaths, he consciously relaxed, tilting his hips back toward Jeremy, opening himself to his lover. This was his greatest act of vulnerability, his gift to the man he loved.

“Fuck, you look sexy,” Jeremy said in a low voice after he added a second finger. The blunt fingernails of his free hand raked down the centre of Harrison’s back before he reached around to take hold of his erection. “I can’t wait to fuck you.” Harrison cried out at the husky words, relishing Jeremy’s touch even as his body trembled with the anticipation of what was to come.

By the time three of Jeremy’s fingers stretched him open, the last of Harrison’s defences had been obliterated. He moved at Jeremy’s command, followed every instruction without hesitation. An unending series of gasps and moans became the litany of his lips. Then, he heard the sound of foil ripping and Jeremy’s fingers were gone. Harrison’s lips parted on a breathy sigh. He wanted this.

The head of Jeremy’s erection pressed against him and he pushed back eagerly, a cry of pure ecstasy escaping him as the head of Jeremy’s erection slid inside. Jeremy let loose a stream of swear words as he lowered his forehead between Harrison’s shoulder blades and wrapped long arms around his waist. “So greedy,” he murmured.

Closing his eyes, Harrison fought to stop himself from losing control. He was on a hair trigger, but he refused to allow himself to be pushed over the edge. He’d never given himself to anyone like this before, not fully, and he wanted to savour every carnal aspect of the experience before he let go.

Jeremy took hold of his hips and started to move. Slowly at first, as he eased his way deeper inside Harrison’s body. When they were fully joined, he began to roll his hips, thrusting harder, faster, until their bodies slammed together over and over.

All of Harrison’s focus centred on the place where they were joined. Jeremy filled him until he thought he would burst, but still he wanted more. His arms gave out and he fell forward onto his forearms, his head resting on the bed as he pushed back harder onto Jeremy’s shaft. The new position further tilted his hips and Jeremy moaned as he seated himself deeper.

Bending forward, Jeremy covered Harrison’s back with his chest, placing one hand on the bed above Harrison’s shoulder to keep himself up. He used the other hand to grip on to Harrison’s erection, stroking him in time with his own thrusts. The combination was too much, and Harrison lost control, coming in Jeremy’s hand with a loud shout of completion. Jeremy came soon after, shuddering through those final thrusts.

They fell sideways onto the bed, their chests heaving as they tried to catch their breath. Soon Jeremy withdrew, dealing with the condom before returning to slide his arms around Harrison, pulling him back against his chest.

“Holy hell, that was incredible,” Harrison said with a satisfied sigh. “I’ve never felt anything like it before.”

“What?” Jeremy cried. “Don’t tell me I just deflowered your hole without knowing it.”

Rolling onto his back, Harrison shook his head. “No, but this is the first time I’ve come from being the bottom.” He smiled at the surprised look on Jeremy’s face. “I think it’s because I can truly be myself with you. I couldn’t ever do that before.”

Jeremy gave him a soft, lingering kiss before replying. “That’s not why you came, though,” he said, with a smug expression. “It’s because I have a magic dick.”

Harrison raised his eyebrows. “You do, do you?”

“Yep.” Nodding, Jeremy cuddled him close. “There’s no other viable explanation.”

This time, when the laughter bubbled up in Harrison’s throat, he let it come. There was no shock. No tears or panic. Only happiness.

CHAPTER 27

Harrison’s fingertips were drumming a continuous beat against the arm of the couch. His breathing had quickened and every few minutes he shifted in his seat, as if he couldn’t get comfortable. Wondering what the hell was going on, Jeremy turned away from the movie playing on the television to watch Harrison out of the corner of his eye. He saw the other man’s gaze stray to the clock on the wall. It was a few minutes before ten.

Jeremy knew Harrison liked to get to bed by ten, so he’d have eight full hours to sleep before he had to get up again at six for work. He never slept for eight hours but, when Jeremy asked him about it, he said at least he’d given it his best shot. Jeremy understood his reasoning, even if he didn’t entirely agree, so he didn’t have a problem with it. But tomorrow was Sunday and neither of them were working. Surely staying up an extra half hour couldn’t be a big deal. Could it?

Life had returned to normal, for the most part, in the last few weeks. Harrison had gone back to work, arranging to work day shifts only while he was still recovering from his depression. The balance between good days and bad had tipped in favour of the good. Jeremy knew they were through the worst of it when he saw Harrison’s copy of Invictus had been put back up on the wall. Except, Jeremy had thought as he stared at the framed artwork, it would never really be over. This was something Harrison would always be dealing with and, in order for them to stay together, Jeremy would have to deal with it, too. There was a time, not too long ago, when that would have been a deal breaker for him. The idea of supporting a mentally ill partner would have sent him screaming in the opposite direction. He could only laugh at the supreme arrogance of his former attitude.

Now, when he looked at Harrison, all Jeremy could see was the strength and courage it had taken for him to survive in a world that had tried to defeat him over and over again. He’d faced the endless abyss and fought his way back. Jeremy was proud to have captured the heart of such a man and he was ready to tackle any obstacle they might face in the future. Except, one thing worried him.

Harrison had changed.

Jeremy noticed it in the little things at first. The number of times Harrison went to the gym in a week increased. His intake of sugar, always low to begin with, dropped to zero. Jeremy had brought home some chocolate cupcakes one night for dessert, but the man had refused to take so much as a bite, insisting the treat would set his recovery back weeks. Jeremy understood the need for Harrison’s rules, but the sudden extremes had him concerned. Where before the rules had slotted into Harrison’s life, now they seemed more like a compulsion.

The evidence was right here in front of him now. In the increasingly loud drumming of Harrison’s fingers and the wideness of his eyes. Jeremy could see Harrison’s anxiety ratcheting higher with every passing minute.

Reaching for the remote, Jeremy paused the movie in the middle of the big action climax. “Talk to me,” he said, turning his body to face Harrison’s. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing,” Harrison replied, shaking his head. Jeremy used his chin to gesture to Harrison’s hand. The other man looked down and saw what he was doing. The tapping stopped, and his fingers curled up into a tight fist.

“Try again.” Jeremy gave him a wry grin.

“I think I’m just tired.” He looked the exact opposite. If Harrison was any more wired, he’d launch right off the couch. “I should probably go to bed.” His gaze returned to the clock. Jeremy’s followed. It was three minutes past ten. Harrison was now officially breaking a rule—and he was freaking the fuck out about it.

“The movie’s nearly finished,” Jeremy pointed out, gesturing to the paused television where the time stamp indicated less than twenty minutes of the movie remained. “Neither of us is working tomorrow. We can sleep in. You’ll still get your eight hours.”

“It’s better if I stick to the routine though,” Harrison told him. “Research shows going to sleep and waking up at the same time every day leads to better quality sleep.”

Jeremy pulled a face at him. “But research won’t tell me if Keanu Reeves will survive getting revenge on the dickhead who murdered his puppy, so… I’m going to watch the end of the movie. I’ll join you when I’m done.”

“I promise I’ll watch the ending tomorrow.” Harrison leaned over to give him a kiss on the cheek before leaving the room with a quick, “Good night.”

Jeremy sighed as he restarted the movie. He didn’t particularly want to watch it alone, but he would. He’d continued to make a point of doing all the things he normally enjoyed, independent of Harrison’s mood. It was good for him and the knowledge he was taking care of himself helped Harrison so, it was a win-win.

After Keanu had fired the last shot and the credits started to roll, Jeremy turned off the television. He checked the lock on the front door, turned on the dishwasher and got ready for bed. Harrison’s eyes were still open when he got under the covers. “Still awake?”

“Yeah,” Harrison said with a quiet sigh. “But at least now my brain has stopped yelling at me.”

Jeremy reached out to stroke a thumb across the ridges of Harrison’s frown. “Is that why you’re all obsessive about your rules at the moment? Because your brain is a big, bad bully?”

A disgruntled noise came from beside him. “I’m not obsessive. I’m focused.”

Chuckling, Jeremy snuggled in closer. “Is that what you call it?”

They lay there in silence for a few minutes before Harrison spoke again. “I know I’ve been going overboard lately. And I know how annoying it is. Trust me, I can barely stand to be in the same room with myself. But I keep thinking, if I’d been more disciplined before, done exactly what I was supposed to do without fail, maybe I wouldn’t have gotten sick. Maybe I could have stopped it.”

“That is so not true.” Jeremy rolled over to flick on the bedside lamp before he turned back to look down at Harrison with his head propped up on one bent arm. “Babe, you didn’t get sick because you went to bed late or because you ate too much chocolate cake. You got sick because you were hiding from me. You were putting huge amounts of pressure on yourself to stay healthy and it backfired. That’s as much my fault as it is yours.”

Harrison turned to watch him, the frown deepening. “How do you figure?”

“I was ready to bolt at the first sign of trouble, I told you as much. With that whole ‘I need to stay away from damaged people’ bullshit.” He rolled his eyes. “All I really needed was to take responsibility for my own actions. Which is something I’m learning from you, by the way.”

Harrison reached out a hand to cup his cheek. “It’s good to know I come in useful for something,” he murmured. “Because I can’t do much about the damaged part.”

“I don’t want you to,” Jeremy told him. “Your soul might be covered in scars, but that doesn’t make you any less beautiful. You aren’t damaged, Harrison, you’re a work of art.” He smiled at the love he saw in Harrison’s eyes. “So, stop putting so much pressure on yourself or I’ll have to kick your arse. You’re healthy now and I would like us to spend less time worrying about the rules, and more time having fun.”

“I like that idea,” Harrison said with a smile. “It might take some practise, but I promise to try.”

Jeremy returned his smile. “That’s good enough for me.” He was surprised when Harrison pulled him into a kiss but sighed with contentment when Harrison’s tongue slid into his mouth.

“Can the fun start now?” Harrison asked against his lips as one hand slid down Jeremy’s back to grab on to his arse.

A throaty chuckle escaped Jeremy. “I don’t know,” he teased. “I’m kind of tired. You may have to convince me.”

Rolling them over, Harrison reached for Jeremy’s wrists, trapping them on either side of his head. “I can do that.”

CHAPTER 28

Jeremy loved a Christmas horde as much as the next store owner, but not when they started to interrupt his love life. The day had been crazy busy, and he’d barely managed to close the store in time to drive to the address Harrison had given him that morning. He was about to meet Uncle Jeff and Aunty Celeste for the first time and he was nervous as all hell.

Striding up to the door, he berated himself for telling Harrison he’d meet him here. At least if they’d come together they’d be able to walk in together and Jeremy wouldn’t be on the verge of hyperventilating. Aaron hadn’t had any living relatives he knew of, so Jeremy hadn’t done the ‘meet the family’ routine since he was nineteen and his first boyfriend’s dad had walked in on them screwing in his boyfriend’s bedroom. That hadn’t ended so well.

“Calm the fuck down,” he muttered under his breath. “And clean up your language, arsehole.” Exhaling, he pushed the doorbell and heard a traditional melody play somewhere deep inside the house. Oh God, what if they were traditional people? He was about as far from traditional as anyone could get. He wore eyeliner for fuck’s sake. He’d planned to wash up and change his clothes in the back room of the store before leaving, but his last customer had taken so long to decide which t-shirt she wanted he’d run out of time. He’d had to make a choice between making himself presentably mainstream or being on time for dinner. His mother would happily skin him alive if she found out he’d shown up late for his first dinner with his boyfriend’s family. On the other hand, the occasional addition of makeup had always been an extension of his personality. In the end, he’d decided the extra lashings of black were the lesser of the two evils. Now he’d arrived, he wasn’t so sure.

He glanced down at the small bouquet of flowers clutched in his left hand. The gerberas were a little wilted, but they still looked presentable. At least he’d had the forethought to buy those earlier in the day.

The door opened, and he heaved a huge sigh of relief when he saw Harrison on the other side. “Thank God, it’s you,” he whispered as he swooped in for a quick kiss. “If I don’t get this shit off my face soon I’m going to throw up.”

“Why?” Harrison’s brows drew down, though there was a smile on his face. “You look sexy,” he said with a wink.

“Somehow, I don’t think Uncle Jeff and Aunty Cel will agree,” he argued. “I want to make a good impression.”

Cupping Jeremy’s face, Harrison stared into his eyes. “Babe, you stood by me when it counted. They know that. The impression has already been made.”

“This is different.” He used his free hand to rake the hair back out of his eyes, but it fell forward again.

Harrison took hold of his wrist to stop his fidgeting. “Maybe you should give them a chance before you put their place cards on the judgemental table.”

Jeremy took a couple of deep breaths and nodded. Harrison had grown up with these people. He would know if they were the type who would judge him harshly based on his appearance. “You’re right,” he said, rubbing his hands together. “Let’s do this.”

Harrison held out his hand and Jeremy took it, threading their fingers together tightly as they walked into the living room. A man rose from the couch as they entered. He appeared to be in his fifties, with neatly trimmed salt and pepper hair and laugh lines around his mouth, but he still moved with an ease that told of health and vitality. “Here we are,” he murmured as Jeremy and Harrison approached. The frown on his face was dark enough to frighten the sturdiest of beaus. “You must be Jeremy.”

Jeremy pasted on his most charming smile. “That’s me. Jeremy Hayden,” he said, holding out his hand in greeting. “It’s a pleasure to meet you, sir.”

Taking his hand, Jeff gave it a slow and deliberate shake. “I hear you’ve got my boy mixed up in some bad stuff. Tea drinking and what not.”

Jeremy blanched. He had to be missing something. What was wrong with tea? “It’s strictly herbal, I promise. No caffeine.”

The older man threw back his head and laughed heartily. “I’m having you on, mate,” he said, giving Jeremy a clap on the shoulder. “I’m Jeff. And it’s a pleasure to meet you, too.”

“For goodness sake, Jeff. You’ll give the poor man a heart attack.” Jeremy turned as a second voice came from the doorway on the other side of the room. The woman coming toward them was all smiles and welcome. “Hello, Jeremy. I’m Harrison’s aunty, Celeste.” She dismissed Jeremy’s proffered hand, instead pulling him into a warm hug. “We’ve been dying to meet you.” Pulling back, she cupped his face with her hands. “Look at you, you gorgeous man.” She threw an excited glance at Harrison. “You said he was handsome, but I figured you were exaggerating.”

Harrison shook his head. “Not even a little bit.”

Jeremy couldn’t help but smile at Celeste’s compliments and she placed a hand over her chest in response. “And that smile,” she crooned in delight. “Did you make a deal with the devil to get that?”

Raising a hand, Jeremy held his thumb and index finger close together. “Just a little one.” They both laughed, and Jeremy started to relax. “Thank you for inviting me to dinner, Celeste,” Jeremy told her. “I’ve been looking forward to meeting the two of you as well.” He held up the bouquet of flowers he’d had by his side. “These are for you.”

Celeste’s face lit up as she accepted the brightly coloured bouquet. “Aren’t you a treasure,” she said with a happy laugh. “I love them. Thank you.” After inhaling the fresh fragrance, she handed the bouquet to her husband. “Put these in some water will you, dear,” she requested before turning back to Jeremy and Harrison. “Dinner is ready, so you boys go sit at the table. We have so much to talk about.”

They spent the next hour devouring a pork roast, complete with crackling, and getting to know each other. Jeff asked the most questions, but Celeste and Jeremy did most of the talking as each introduced topic led to six others that then had to be discussed to the satisfaction of both. Harrison was quiet for the most part, but the easy smile on his face and the brightness of his eyes spoke volumes. His touch was a permanent fixture on Jeremy, either from an arm slung across the back of his chair, or a hand resting on his knee. The contact helped Jeremy stay relaxed throughout the evening.

“How was work today?” Harrison asked as they were eating dessert. He’d only eaten a few bites of the cheesecake Celeste had served, but even that was an improvement on the previous few weeks.

“It was a bright emerald green all morning,” Jeremy responded. “But it turned puce around lunch time.”

Harrison raised his eyebrows. “Puce?”

Jeremy nodded, wrinkling his nose. “A toddler threw up all over the floor right in the middle of the store.”

“Oh no,” Harrison said, laughing out loud. “How awful.”

“Tell me about it,” Jeremy continued, joining in Harrison’s mirth. “Kat immediately announced it was time for her break and bolted for the front door. She’s such a traitor.”

The story only made them both laugh harder. By the time their amusement faded Harrison was breathing heavily, the sheen of unshed tears in his eyes. He still struggled, from time to time, with the sensations that came with true laughter. The emotions involved sometimes overwhelmed him, and it took him a few minutes to regain his equilibrium. Jeremy didn’t mind. It was getting easier over time and there was nothing quite like hearing Harrison laugh. Each and every chortle was a victory in Jeremy’s eyes.

“All good?” he murmured as Harrison took a few deep breaths to calm down. The other man nodded, and Jeremy gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. “You know you’re adorable when you laugh,” he said with a grin.

“Oh, shut up.” Harrison snorted, smiling at him. “I love you.”

“I love you back.”

The room fell silent the moment they stopped talking and that was when Jeremy remembered they weren’t alone. Drawing his lips between his teeth he sneaked a glance at the other side of the table. Jeff and Celeste were frozen in shock. Jeff’s spoon had stopped halfway to his mouth and Celeste’s eyes were the size of dinner plates.

Clearing his throat, Jeremy turned back in his chair to face the table. “Sorry about that.”

Celeste pressed her palms together, her fingers held against her mouth. “Don’t be sorry,” she whispered. “We’ve just…” she seemed a little overwhelmed herself for a moment, “we’ve never heard Harrison laugh like that before.” She sniffed, and Jeff put an arm around her shoulders. “It’s a beautiful sound.”

Beside her, Jeff nodded in agreement, his chest swelling with pride. He cleared his throat after a moment and waved a finger in the air. “Emerald green,” he said, “and puce. What’s going on there?”

“I told Jeremy about our colour code and he went a little nuts,” Harrison said with a wide grin. “Within a week he was using all the colours of the rainbow.”

“I have a lot of moods,” Jeremy added by way of explanation.

“We now have pale green for a chilled mood, lime green for tired but still good.” Harrison counted each of the greens off on his fingers. “Emerald green is busy, right?” He turned to Jeremy for clarification.

“Run off my feet busy, but in a good way,” he said with a nod. “Yellow is for happy,” he added. “Purple is for h—” Horny. “Hopeful,” he finished. Harrison snickered beside him.

“What a great idea,” Jeff said with enthusiasm. “Why didn’t we ever think of that?”

Harrison shook his head, smiling at his uncle. “I don’t think I could have handled more than three colours when we started using them, or for a long time afterwards.” Harrison gave Jeremy’s fingers a squeeze as he added, “This guy brought the rest of the colours with him when he came into my life.”

Jeremy’s heart melted and there was no avoiding the ‘aww’ sound that escaped him as he leaned forward to give Harrison a hug.

“There is one colour though,” Jeff began when they parted. His tone had taken on a serious quality. It demanded Jeremy’s attention and he gave it, locking eyes with the older man. “One colour needs to be left alone to avoid confusion.”

Harrison stiffened, sitting up straighter. “Uncle Jeff—”

Holding up a hand to cut him off, Jeff continued, “I think it’s wonderful you’re playing with the code, I do. But—”

“Red is sacred.” Jeremy had interrupted this time. He kept his voice low but firm. It was important to him these people, who had kept Harrison alive long enough to find him, knew the man they’d raised was safe with him. He turned to look at Harrison. “Red is me dropping everything and running to get to you,” he told him. “I agree with Jeff. We don’t touch red.”

Harrison nodded. “Okay.”

Relaxing back into his chair, Jeff gave Jeremy a satisfied nod. “Good man.”

CHAPTER 29

“I knew Jerry had to be gay the moment I saw him put an outfit together.”

Harrison glanced sideways at Jeremy. “Jerry?” he mouthed.

Jeremy shrugged, a ‘just go with it’ expression on his face. They were ensconced in the corner of a small, but classy, restaurant in the centre of the city with Jeremy’s oldest friend, Travis, and his partner, Noah. It was the last Friday night before Christmas and every table overflowed with diners enjoying the festive season.

“No straight man under the age of thirty can dress himself worth shit,” Travis continued. “I will never be convinced otherwise.” Having said his piece, he took a long sip of the bright, blue cocktail he’d ordered. “Although Jerry beat me to the punch and guessed I was gay first.”

“Well, you did speak first,” Jeremy conceded. “Your voice was forged from the flames of pride, Trav.”

Travis batted his eyes in delight at the compliment. “You always were a poet.”

Harrison smiled at their banter, glad he’d made the effort to come tonight. When Jeremy had first received the dinner invitation from his old friend, Harrison had been reluctant. He hadn’t met any of Jeremy’s friends yet and doing so would be stressful at a time when he was doing his best to avoid stress. But Jeremy had been so excited, declaring it the perfect opportunity to show off his gorgeous new boyfriend. Harrison couldn’t bear to disappoint him.

He’d spent the first half hour gripping Jeremy’s hand so hard under the table he worried he might cause damage. But Jeremy had gripped him right back and put an arm around the back of his chair. Just as the entrees were being served, Jeremy leaned over to kiss him on the cheek. “Thank you for coming tonight,” he said in a low voice. “It means a lot to me.”

“Dear Lord,” Noah crooned from the other side of the table. “Look at you two. You’re adorable.”

Jeremy pulled away, chuckling at his friend’s comment. “We are,” he said with a long-suffering sigh. “It’s true.”

“And you and Jeremy were friends from that first day you worked at the department store together?” Harrison asked Travis, hoping to shift the attention back away from himself.

“Absolutely,” Travis exclaimed. “Everyone else in the place was over forty and there we were, a couple of gay teenagers barely out of high school. We had to stick together.” He laughed suddenly, putting a hand on Jeremy’s arm. “Do you remember the time we got drunk on butterscotch schnapps and spent the whole night commiserating over the fact we never fell for each other?”

Jeremy covered his face with his hands as he groaned out loud. “Yes, I do,” he admitted. “It was Valentine’s Day,” he explained to the other two men, “and we’d both been dumped by whoever the hell we’d been dating at the time. We decided life would be simpler if we fell desperately in love with each other.”

“Jerry had read some article about how if you stare into someone’s eyes for four minutes straight without talking you’ll fall instantly in love,” Travis said with dramatic flair. “So, we decided to try it.”

“Only we couldn’t stop laughing long enough to do it,” Jeremy continued. “There was nothing there, so we gave up and got drunk instead.”

“Our lack of spark turned out to be a good thing, because a couple of years later this obscenely sexy guy came into work wanting to buy a suit and I got to serve him. It turned out I was saving all my prolonged eye contact for him.” Travis wrapped one arm around Noah’s neck as he spoke and ended by pressing a wet kiss to his forehead. The other man grinned, his hand coming up to stroke Travis’ cheek.

“It was a shitty suit,” Noah said. “But my gift with purchase has been outstanding.”

Jeremy shook his head at the two of them before turning to Harrison. “They’ve been disgustingly in love from that day forth. Luckily, they continued to let me hang around until I found a true love of my very own.” He waggled his eyebrows before adding, “And I didn’t even have to buy a shitty suit to get you.”

“We did lose you for a few years there, Jerry,” Travis said with a playful frown. “And we missed the hell out of you.”

Harrison knew Jeremy had lost contact with all his friends in the final years of his relationship with Aaron, and most of his family as well. He was glad Jeremy had managed to reconnect with these people he obviously loved being around.

When he pulled his gaze away from Jeremy, he saw Travis watching him closely. “We do hope you aren’t planning to steal our boy away again now he’s back in the fold.”

Shaking his head, Harrison assured him, “I wouldn’t dream of it.”

“Excellent.” Travis rubbed his hands together in delight. “Then you’ll definitely agree to come out dancing with us after dinner. We want to check out a new gay club down the road from here. It’s supposed to be the bomb.”

Jeremy’s fingers tightened around Harrison’s. “I don’t know,” he said with a laugh. “I came straight here from work, I’m not exactly dressed for clubbing.”

“Honey,” Noah ran his eyes over Jeremy’s usual fitted black t-shirt and suspenders, “you look hot enough to singe fingers in that get-up.”

Jeremy smiled. “But clubs aren’t really my thing anymore and we both have to work tomorrow.”

Harrison’s jaw clenched as he listened to the conversation. Jeremy had turned down the offer to go out after dinner because of him—because of his insistence on monitoring every minute of sleep like some lunatic. In that moment he wondered if perhaps he and Aaron weren’t so different, after all.

Aaron had stifled Jeremy’s natural exuberance with his possessive nature and jealousy. Harrison didn’t harbour those qualities, but he was still in danger of making the same mistake. Jeremy was an outgoing person. He loved being around people and having a good time, just as much as he loved spending nights at home watching re-runs or reading. Harrison didn’t want to hold Jeremy back in any way, not when doing so would threaten the very qualities that had caught his attention in the first place. Nor did he want Jeremy to have to settle for going out without him. Jeremy had taken a risk by choosing to be with him, now it was time for Harrison to do the same.

“I think we should go,” he said, interrupting the good-natured argument about what constituted a feasible reason for going home early.

Turning to stare at him in surprise, Jeremy asked, “What was that?”

“We should go to the club.” Harrison’s blood rushed in his veins as he said the words. He was nervous, but excited. Anxious, but happy. Doing something completely unexpected had become foreign to him and the part of him that wasn’t freaking out was eager to see what would happen next. “I want to see you dance,” he said, leering at Jeremy.

The other men laughed, whooping in agreement. “You have to come now, Jerry. No excuses.”

Jeremy stared at him in shock, though an enthusiastic smile played across his face. “Are you sure?” he asked quietly. “You have work tomorrow, what about your sleep rule?”

Leaning in close, he kept his voice low as he replied. “I’m tired of playing by the rules, even if they are mine,” Harrison told him. “Do you know how many times I’ve gone to work exhausted because I spent the night awake, trapped inside my own head? This time I want to do it because I stayed out late having fun with new friends. I’m twenty-seven years old. It’s time to live a little. In fact…” A waiter passed by their table at that moment and Harrison stopped him. “Could I get a copy of the wine list please?”

“Harrison,” Jeremy hissed after the man was gone. “What the hell has gotten into you?”

Wrapping one hand around the back of Jeremy’s neck, Harrison pulled him closer. “I’m feeling rebellious.” Harrison could feel the wide grin on his own face. “Break some rules with me.”

The smile on Jeremy’s face widened and he all but bounced in his chair. “I guess that settles it,” he announced, turning back to Travis and Noah. “We’re going clubbing.”

The other couple cheered in approval. “Our objective is achieved,” Travis said as he held out a hand to Harrison. “And you now have our seal of approval.”

Harrison chuckled as they shook. “I guess that means my objective has been achieved as well.” He turned to smile at Jeremy. “This is gonna be fun,” he said with a nod, despite the butterflies running riot in his stomach. “And we’ll be together, so everything will be fine.”

Jeremy wrapped an arm around his neck and kissed him on the cheek. “Don’t be afraid,” he crooned, “I’ll protect you, my feeble turtle duck.”

“Yes!” Travis cried, clapping his hands together. “There it is. He’s quoting shit.” He turned to Noah with a gleeful cackle. “I told you he’d be quoting shit before we got to the mains. You owe me.”

Noah rolled his eyes with a heavy sigh. “All right. I’ll do the cooking for a month.” He frowned at Jeremy then. “I thought you’d at least manage to contain yourself until dessert.”

“Contain myself?” Jeremy’s tone implied the notion was too bizarre to contemplate. “That will never happen!”

CHAPTER 30

They got home shortly before midnight, barrelling through the door in fits of laughter.

“I think I’m drunk,” Harrison stated as he tossed his jacket onto the couch.

The announcement only made Jeremy laugh harder. “After the glass and a half of wine you had three hours ago? I don’t think so, Cadbury boy.” He’d been a little worried when Harrison ordered the wine and decided they would stay out late clubbing almost in the same breath. He’d been well prepared to put the kibosh on the whole idea if he saw any signs Harrison was stepping too far out of his comfort zone. But it had soon become clear Harrison was only interesting in pushing his boundaries, not obliterating them, and before long they had both managed to relax into the evening—which had been a hell of a lot of fun.

Feigning an offended look now, Harrison put his hands on his hips. “You’re forgetting the beer I had at the club.”

“I drank that.” Jeremy went into the kitchen to get some water. They’d been dancing for hours and he was now thoroughly dehydrated. “You took all of three sips before deciding you didn’t like it.” He filled two glasses with cold water from the fridge and handed one to Harrison before perching on the edge of the kitchen table to sip from his own glass. “You were pretty enthusiastic about making out with me on the dance floor though, and you did once say you could get drunk from kissing me.”

“That must be it.” Harrison stared at the glass of water in his hand before his gaze lifted back to Jeremy’s face. There was a glint in his eyes, something mischievous and wild. Stepping forward, he put the glass on the table before dropping a light kiss on Jeremy’s mouth. “Don’t move.”

Jeremy watched him walk out of the room, baffled as to what he was up to. He put his glass on the table beside Harrison’s and waited to see what would happen next.

Harrison returned within moments. He walked right up to Jeremy, curled his hands around the back of Jeremy’s knees, and yanked him forward to the edge of the table. “I’m glad we met after work to go out tonight,” he murmured.

“Why?” Jeremy asked. He had no idea what Harrison had planned, but he liked it. His cock was already sitting up and begging for the attention he knew was coming.

“Because there is something I have to do to you, right now, before I regain my senses.” He pushed Jeremy’s suspenders off his shoulders and then reached for the hem of his shirt. “Something I’ve wanted to do from the moment I saw you.” He pulled Jeremy’s shirt up over his head and tossed it away.

Jeremy’s mouth was open as he arched into Harrison’s wandering touch. He tried to draw the other man into a kiss, but Harrison was in the mood to tease and, after a single lick of his tongue across Jeremy’s lips, he leaned back out of reach. “I’m all yours,” Jeremy muttered, desperate for more. “Do whatever you want to me.”

A wide smile stretched Harrison’s mouth as he caught his tongue between his teeth. “Close your eyes,” he whispered. With a deep, shuddering breath, Jeremy complied. He waited for a long moment, unsure what to expected.

Water hit the top of his head, gushing down over his face and body in a dozen icy rivulets. He gasped in shock, lifting his hands to wipe the liquid from his eyes. “Holy crap, that’s cold,” he laughed as he opened his eyes.

Harrison stood in front of him. The empty water glass in one hand and a look of mad lust in his eyes. Jeremy’s heart rate spiked. Fuck, he was about to be eaten alive. When Harrison reached out, Jeremy went to him. Their mouths met, hard and fast—each fighting for dominance. Jeremy tore at the buttons on Harrison’s shirt, desperate to touch the warmth of his skin.

They were both naked to the waist when Harrison pushed hard against Jeremy’s chest, forcing him onto his back on the table. Harrison’s gaze locked on to his face as his hands threaded through Jeremy’s wet hair before stroking down over his face. Jeremy closed his eyes as Harrison’s fingertips brushed his eyelids before continuing down over his cheeks to his jawline. “That is sexy as fuck.”

Jeremy’s eyes opened in time to see the black marks on Harrison’s palms and fingertips as he lifted his hands away. That’s when everything clicked. He’d worn his usual eyeliner to work that morning, the eyeliner Harrison had said he wanted to mess up. Apparently, the combination of the water and Harrison’s eager fingers had done just that. He had no idea what he looked like with his cheeks streaked in black, but if Harrison liked it so much, he was only too happy to give his lover what he wanted. Sitting up, he grabbed his own mostly full water glass off the table. A laugh bubbled up his throat as he tipped half the glass over Harrison’s head, before tilting his head back to empty the rest onto his own forehead so it ran down his face in a fresh wave. Then, slamming the glass back down on the table, he reached for Harrison once more.

They devoured each other’s mouths, wet hands grasping at wetter flesh. Jeremy locked his ankles behind Harrison’s back as their bodies ground together. Their aching cocks were caught between them, their movements frustrated by layers of fabric.

Finally, Harrison pushed Jeremy back down onto the table and reached for the fastening on his pants. “I’m going to fuck you so hard you’ll forget how to walk,” he growled.

“Do it,” Jeremy told him. He’d never seen Harrison so wild and out of control and he fucking loved it.

The moment Jeremy’s cock was released from his pants, Harrison wrapped his mouth around it, sucking hard. Jeremy cried out, his back arching off the table as pleasure streaked through him. He stroked the fingers of one hand through Harrison’s wet strands, holding him in place, while reaching back above his head to grip on to the far edge of the table with the other hand.

Jeremy had no idea how Harrison managed to finish stripping him without once removing his mouth, but he didn’t care. He was a shuddering mess by the time Harrison bent his legs back toward his chest—ready for anything.

Harrison made quick work of the condom and lube he must have stashed in his pockets when he went into the bedroom, before fitting the tip of his cock to Jeremy’s entrance. He paused, teasing Jeremy with the slightest of thrusts as he held his gaze. “Say the magic word,” he drawled.

Jeremy lifted a single eyebrow before he answered in a clear, demanding tone. “Fuck me.”

Chuckling, Harrison squeezed the backs of Jeremy’s thighs with his fingertips. “Close enough.” He pushed forward then, sinking deep within Jeremy’s body.

Groans of relief quickly devolved into mindless sounds of pleasure as they came together in a crazed fury. Harrison bent over at the waist until his chest brushed against Jeremy’s. Dropping his head forward, he placed his mouth beside Jeremy’s ear. “I love to fuck you,” he gasped in a breathy voice. “I love your cock, and your mouth,” he drew back to dip his tongue between Jeremy’s parted lips. “I love every fucking part of you.”

The words entered Jeremy’s brain and he should have been paying more attention to them, but Harrison’s cock was fucking him into next week and his own dick was caught in the friction caused by the movement of their bodies and he couldn’t be expected to think in full sentences right now and… “Oh, fuck,” he cried. “I’m gonna come.”

Harrison’s hand slipped between them to grasp a hold of Jeremy’s cock, but he only managed a single stroke before Jeremy let go. Long streams of come shot between them, covering Harrison’s fingers and smearing their bodies. Harrison followed him over the edge with a loud groan, continuing to thrust into the heat of Jeremy’s body until he had nothing left to give.

Heaven, Jeremy thought as he floated somewhere up on the ceiling, barely aware of Harrison’s weight pushing him down into the hard surface of the table. This is what heaven feels like.

CHAPTER 31

The dreaded alarm went off at six o’clock the next morning.

Harrison groaned as he rolled over and smacked one hand down on the top of the clock. The buzzing cut off, but nothing would make the need to get up go away. Falling back onto the bed he looked over to see Jeremy still asleep beside him. He hadn’t even stirred at the alarm. Harrison took in the black smudges on his cheeks and the way his hair stuck up at odd angles because it had still been wet when they’d fallen into bed.

The previous night came rushing at him from all angles. Every word he’d uttered at dinner. The way he’d gripped on to Jeremy’s hand for dear life. At one point, Travis had made a joke, and it had been funny, but Harrison was pretty sure he’d laughed harder than was appropriate. Dear God, Travis and Noah probably thought he was a total idiot.

He hated that he didn’t have better control over his emotions and the glass of wine hadn’t helped. He’d enjoyed the taste, but the alcohol had gone straight to his head and he’d stopped being careful with his words somewhere near the end of the meal.

By the time they made their way to the club he’d abandoned every one of the mental shackles that kept him safely tethered to his normal life. Dark and crowded, the club had appealed to a part of him that was desperate for freedom and he’d gone with it. Dragging Jeremy into the throng of men on the dance floor, he’d lost himself to the thumping beat of the music. Jeremy had seemed to be into it as their bodies moved together in a carnal rhythm, but maybe Harrison had gone a tad… overboard.

He lay perfectly still in the bed as he cringed inwardly. What the hell have I done?

“Is it time to get up already?” The low growl came from beside him, right before Jeremy dragged himself across the bed to lay his head on Harrison’s chest.

“Good morning.” Harrison stared at the top of Jeremy’s head, wondering what the other man was thinking. “How are you feeling this morning?”

“Sleepy,” was the response.

After waiting a beat, Harrison tried again. “Did you have a good time last night?”

That got more of a reaction. Jeremy rubbed his face against Harrison’s chest before lifting it to look at him. “Hell, yes,” he said with a lopsided grin. “You were so out of control.” Pulling himself further up the bed, Jeremy kissed him. “I loved every minute of it.”

Harrison let go of the breath he’d been holding. So far, so good. As long as he and Jeremy were okay, he could handle anything else. “What about Travis and Noah?” he ventured. “Do you think they had a good time?”

“Of course, they did.” Jeremy gave him a baffled look. “You couldn’t tell?”

“Well, you never know,” Harrison said, playing with Jeremy’s hair. “How someone appears on the outside doesn’t always match how they feel on the inside.”

“You know all about that.” Lifting a hand, Jeremy ran his thumb across Harrison’s brow. “Is your bully brain taking over again?”

“I didn’t mean to go so far off my nut last night is all.” He tried to shrug it off, but Jeremy wasn’t about to be fooled so easily. He was a little too good at reading Harrison these days. “Apparently me and alcohol mixed together is a recipe for kinky shit. I could have freaked them out or something.”

Chuckling, Jeremy lifted himself up on one arm. “Not likely. We’ll be getting regular invitations to visit, don’t worry. I’m pretty sure they got off on watching us grind on the dance floor.” He nestled a leg between Harrison’s thighs as a lazy grin curved his mouth. “You were so horny, you couldn’t keep your tongue out of my mouth.” Jeremy demonstrated by sliding his own tongue into Harrison’s mouth, drawing him into a deep, sensual kiss. “Fuck, I could get hard just thinking about it,” he muttered between kisses as his hips began to move restlessly beneath the covers. “And then, when we got home. Holy hell, that was hot.” Harrison turned his body, so their erections rubbed together, groaning when Jeremy bucked against him. “I think your kink and my kink will be the best of friends,” Jeremy said with a grin.

“So, I didn’t take it too far?” he asked, hating his own need for reassurance.

“Not even close. In fact,” Jeremy added, as he rubbed noses with Harrison, “I think you should break the rules more often.”

I should break the rules more often. If he’d had such a thought a month ago, or even a week ago, Harrison would have dismissed the idea as nonsense. But he’d taken a chance last night in the hope everything would turn out okay, and it had. He’d had more fun than he could ever remember having in his life and nothing bad had come of it. If anything, he and Jeremy were more deeply connected than ever.

“But right now, duty calls and we should probably get up.” With one last kiss, Jeremy got out of the bed, one hand stroking his hard length. “Christ, I’m gonna be hard all day thinking about last night.”

“I could take the edge off for you,” Harrison offered as he sat up. “You need to take a shower anyway, and if you happen to get a blow job while you’re there…” He tilted his head to one side. “If you can spare the time, that is.”

Jeremy licked his lips as he backed toward the door. “Harrison, baby, there is always time for a blow job.”

Harrison laughed as he followed Jeremy into the bathroom.

CHAPTER 32

Jeremy came home a few days later to find Harrison sitting on the floor between the couch and the coffee table. A large sketchpad was in front of him, the page he worked on almost entirely covered in thick, precise lettering. Jeremy couldn’t read the words from where he stood, but that didn’t matter. Harrison would show him when he finished. After a quick hello, he went into the kitchen to get something to drink.

“What are you working on?” he asked when he returned with a couple of glasses of water.

“A surprise for you.” Harrison glanced up with a secretive smile. “One I hope you’ll like.”

“I always like surprises.” Jeremy lowered himself to the carpet on the far side of the coffee table. Stretching his legs out in front of him, he leaned back on straight arms. The carpet was coarse beneath his hands and he thought how perfectly the thick rug he had in his own living room would fit here. He’d been doing that a lot lately, picturing his things nestled in amongst Harrison’s. He’d already decided what he’d bring with him when he moved in and what he’d sell or give away. They hadn’t talked about moving in together yet, but it made sense since he was always here anyway. “This place is cosier than mine,” he murmured. “There’s something about it that feels more comfortable.”

Harrison glanced up before returning to his work. “You think so?”

“Yes.” Jeremy nodded. “We should definitely live here. My lease is up soon. I could give my landlord notice I’ll be moving out.”

The pen stopped moving and Harrison raised his head. “You want to move in with me?”

Jeremy shrugged a single shoulder. “I kind of already have,” he pointed out. “I have my own set of keys. Half my clothes are here. I haven’t slept in my own bed in weeks. All that’s left is to make it official.”

Harrison didn’t say anything for a long time, but Jeremy wasn’t put off. He’d long since realised Harrison had no problem voicing his opinion when he didn’t want something to happen. It was when he did want something that he got quiet, because he feared he’d never get to have it.

“What are your thoughts on us living together?” Jeremy asked, hoping to move the conversation along.

Taking a deep breath, Harrison started drawing again. “I want to be wherever you are, every day, for always. You know that.”

“But…” he encouraged.

“I’m not the easiest person to live with. I wouldn’t live with me if I didn’t have to,” Harrison said with a self-deprecating laugh. “At least if you have your own place, you can get away if you want to.”

“I don’t want to get away from you.” Jeremy shifted forward on the floor, moving closer to the coffee table. “That’s kind of the point.” He crossed his forearms on top of the table and rested his chin on top.

Harrison glanced up at him. “That might be true when I’m healthy, but when I’m not—”

“I’m staying,” Jeremy said in a firm voice. “What do you think I’m going to do, walk away every time you have a relapse?” he asked. “Not come back until you’re normal enough to be around?”

“I wouldn’t blame you if you did.” Harrison didn’t stop working as he spoke, but his strokes became short and sharp. “I would understand if you wanted to disappear for a few days now and then.”

Jeremy snorted. “I’m pretty sure you already know I don’t work like that. Besides, who would I have paper ball fights with, and watch home shopping with at three in the morning?” Harrison huffed out a laugh. “I don’t like it when you’re hurting,” Jeremy added, “but I liked some of the places we went together.”

Smiling, Harrison rose up onto his knees to give Jeremy a light kiss on the forehead. “I reckon if we try we can have you moved in by the end of the weekend.”

Laughing, Jeremy raised his eyebrows. “Wow, that’s fast.”

“I’m not giving you a chance to change your mind,” Harrison told him. “Especially now.”

Jeremy gave him a questioning look. “Why? What’s going on?”

“First, I want to show you something.” Harrison reached down beside him to lift a book onto the table. It was the photo album Jeremy had seen him with one night in the middle of his depression. They’d argued soon afterwards, and Jeremy had forgotten all about the album, until now.

Pulling it toward him, he turned it around and opened the front cover. The first page had an old, faded photograph of a young woman with a little boy on her hip. They had their arms around each other, their heads touching as they smiled at the camera. A feminine hand had written ‘Harry’s 2nd birthday’ in neat script underneath.

“This is your mother,” Jeremy said, glancing up at Harrison. He nodded. Jeremy’s gaze dropped back to the faces in the photo. Harrison was instantly recognisable, despite the chubby cheeks and the baby blondness of his hair. He still had the same velvety brown eyes—which he’d apparently inherited from his mother. Her hair, though darker, was also wavy like Harrison’s. She appeared happy in the picture, but signs of her mental illness were apparent. There were dark circles under her eyes, and she was skinny to the point of gauntness in a dress that had obviously been purchased by a woman with a fuller figure. “What was she like?”

Harrison had returned to his drawing, his hand moving slowly now, as if to protect against careless mistakes. “She was gentle,” he said quietly. “She was a good cook, but a terrible housekeeper.” He gave a quiet laugh. “When she was well she would take me to the park and push me on the swing for hours. I remember I didn’t want to learn how to swing myself because then she’d stop pushing me and that was my favourite part.”

The woman Harrison described didn’t sound like the sort of person who would try to take her own son’s life. And yet, at some point, that was who she’d become. As Jeremy continued to turn the pages of the album, he noticed places where photos had been removed. He learned, from reading the notes on the pages, those spots had contained photos of Harrison’s father. It was a strange dichotomy. The way he cherished the photos of the sick mother who’d tried to take his life, while he’d rejected those of the abusive father who’d saved it.

“You’ve forgiven her,” Jeremy said quietly as he closed the album.

Harrison nodded again. “I had to. Being angry with her was eating me alive.”

“How did you do it? After what she did to you?” No matter how gentle and loving she’d been when she was well, there was no escaping the way she’d betrayed him in the end.

“With great bloody difficulty,” Harrison admitted. His hand paused over the paper, but he didn’t lift his gaze. “She was far from being the perfect mother, even when she was well, but I knew she loved me. Every time she got sick I would take care of her, do everything for her, until she was better. But in the end, it didn’t help. She gave up on me anyway—on loving me, protecting me. When she handed me those pills, she gave up on everything I had the potential to become.”

Reaching for Harrison’s free hand, Jeremy threaded their fingers together. “I’m so sorry,” he whispered. “For everything you went through.”

Harrison’s fingers tightened around his. “When I was diagnosed with depression, the same type she had, I was terrified I would turn out like her. The sickness that killed her was inside me, too. Being like her, making the choices she made, seemed inevitable.” He shook his head in denial of his own words. “But recently I’ve realised, I’m not anything like her and I never will be. I’ve chosen to be different. That means I don’t have to be afraid anymore.”

It all sounded great to Jeremy, but he still had no idea what Harrison was getting at. “What does that mean for you?”

“It means now is the time for me to make a new choice.” The smile Harrison gave him was blinding in its brightness. “First, I chose life. Then I chose you. Now, I’m choosing freedom.” Pulling his hand from Jeremy’s, he repositioned his sketchpad and went back to work. “And that’s why I went to see Laurel today.”

“Your psychiatrist?” Jeremy asked, baffled by the topic change. “Why?”

“I wanted to run an idea past her.” He drew faster now, as if in a rush to finish. “You remember how you said I should break the rules more often?”

Jeremy narrowed his eyes. “I remember.”

“Well, I started to wonder,” this time when Harrison glanced up there was something of a manic look in his eyes, “what if I took it a step further?” He slapped the pen down on the table and paused to run his gaze over the page before peeling the completed artwork off the sketchpad and holding it up for Jeremy to see. “This is a list of all my rules.”

“Okay.” Jeremy read the list. Some of them sounded like commandments: Integrity in the moment of choice. Discipline above all else. The rest were more specific, and Jeremy had already guessed most of them: Limited sugar consumption. Exercise at least four times a week. No alcohol. No swearing. The words ‘No fun’ weren’t actually on there, but they may as well have been. None of the rules on Harrison’s list were bad as such. But to have to follow all of them, all the time, would try the willpower of a freaking saint. It was no wonder Harrison buckled under the pressure from time to time.

The sound of tearing paper rent the air as Harrison ripped the newly created list in two. Then, he put the two halves together, turned them length-ways and tore them in half again. Jeremy’s mouth dropped open as he watched Harrison continue to rip the list of rules apart until there wasn’t a single whole word left anywhere. “I’ve been living by these rules for so long, I have no idea what my life looks like without them,” he said, his breathing hard and fast. “But I want to find out.” The expression on his face was a mixture of trepidation and hope. “Join me?”

Jeremy gasped, his hands coming up to cover his mouth. “Fuck, yeah!” With a bold sweep of his arm, he knocked the sketchpad, pen and bits of ripped up paper off the coffee table before clambering over it and onto Harrison’s lap. “Are you sure though?” he asked as he cupped Harrison’s face in his hands. “I mean, you had the rules for a reason.”

Nodding, Harrison grabbed hold of Jeremy’s t-shirt and yanked it out of his pants. “I’m not saying I’m going to stop exercising and eating right, or anything. But I don’t want to think of my life in terms of rules anymore,” he said as he pulled the t-shirt backward over Jeremy’s head. “I want to swear without feeling like it’s a sign I’m losing my mind.” Harrison pulled the t-shirt down as far as Jeremy’s elbows before scrunching it up in one hand, so Jeremy’s arms were trapped behind him. “And when you bring home chocolate cupcakes, I want to smear the icing all over your chest and then lick it off.” He leaned down to swipe his tongue across Jeremy’s left nipple before taking the hardened nub gently between his teeth. “I want to be free and happy, with you.”

“I want that, too.” Jeremy avoided Harrison’s mouth when he tried to kiss him, instead looking him in the eyes. “But I also want to know you’re safe.”

With a groan of frustration, Harrison dropped his head back onto the seat of the couch for a moment. “All right,” he said with a sigh when he lifted it again. “I promise I’m being sensible about this. I’m going to be seeing Laurel twice a month and she’ll help me figure out how to make the transition.” He cringed as he admitted, “It’s possible I’ll be a bit unstable for a while, but Laurel agrees in the end it could significantly improve my quality of life.”

“Your quality of life, huh?” Jeremy grinned. “Is that what the research says?”

“Those were her words, not mine, and I don’t have a clue what the research says,” Harrison told him, trying to hold back his laughter. “Now can I go back to ravishing you? All this talk about psychiatrist visits and being sensible has made my cock go limp.”

Jeremy gasped in faux shock. “How terrible. But I’m sure I can fix that.” Pulling his arms free, he grabbed on to Harrison’s shirt and ripped it open, enjoying the sound of the buttons popping off. “You know, we may have to introduce a new rule every now and then. So we have the pleasure of breaking it.”

Harrison laughed as Jeremy leaned in to capture his mouth in a kiss. “I think that can be arranged.”

CHAPTER 33

“May I have this dance?” A hand appeared at Harrison’s side and he looked up to see Jeremy grinning down at him. “I promise not to feel you up on the dance floor,” he added in a low voice.

Turning back to the young woman he’d been chatting to, Harrison said, “Would you excuse me please, Amber?”

The brunette gave him a knowing smile. “You go right ahead. It was lovely to see you, Harrison,” she added before turning back toward her husband, Lincoln, who sat on her other side. The broad-shouldered man lifted a hand to caress her cheek as she kissed him.

“Are you having a good time?” Jeremy asked as he led Harrison toward the small wooden floor in the middle of the reception area.

“Yes, I am.” Nodding, Harrison wrapped an arm around Jeremy’s waist. “I even had a second glass of champagne,” he admitted in a stage whisper. “So, I’m afraid I can’t make any promises regarding my behaviour on the dance floor. There may be inappropriate touching.”

“I’ll have you know,” Jeremy said with a laugh, “as the best man at this shindig, I must be on my best behaviour.”

“Then you shouldn’t have worn that suit.” Running hungry eyes over the fine form Jeremy cut in his formal attire, Harrison couldn’t help but throw him a wolfish grin. “You look good enough to eat.” He leaned in to press his lips to Jeremy’s neck in a light kiss.

“You can have your fill of me later,” Jeremy promised. “After the happy couple are on their way.” He nodded his head in the direction of the bride and groom, who were locked in each other’s arms on the other side of the dance floor.

The last thing Harrison had expected, when he first met Brady and Trina, was to be a guest at their wedding only two months later.

Harrison had been the one to suggest Jeremy get back in touch with his friends. The relationship they’d shared had been important to Jeremy at a time when he’d needed it and he knew Jeremy missed their presence in his life.

At first, Harrison had been concerned he might feel uncomfortable around Jeremy’s ex-lovers. But Brady and Trina had been so happy to meet him, he couldn’t help but like them. While they shared an obvious sense of physical comfort with his partner, Jeremy had been right, Trina and Brady were hopelessly in love with each other. Their love for Jeremy, while genuine and affectionate, was of a different nature. Over the last two months, he and Jeremy had spent a lot of time with the couple as they made last minute preparations, and Harrison had been relieved to realise, while the renewed friendship made Jeremy happy, it would do nothing to interfere with his and Jeremy’s relationship with each other.

It turned out Brady and Trina had been on the verge of calling Jeremy themselves. Their wedding, which Jeremy had no idea was happening, had been drawing near and, as Brady had stated, it would have been a bit weird if the best man didn’t show up. Jeremy had been beside himself with excitement at the idea of being part of their wedding day. He’d looked so proud that afternoon, standing at the front of the chapel beside Brady as they watched Trina walk down the aisle. Harrison had never loved him more.

“How about you?” Harrison asked as he held Jeremy close. “Did you enjoy hanging out with the Matron of Honour?”

Snorting, Jeremy replied, “Don’t let Kelly hear you call her that. She thinks it makes her sound like an old hag.”

Frowning, Harrison turned his head to glance at the front table where Trina’s best friend sat with her head resting against the shoulder of her husband, Jake. Their newborn daughter was sound asleep in her arms. They were the very picture of everything beautiful in the world. “Seriously?” he asked.

“I think it’s the sleep deprivation,” Jeremy told him. “I’ve never seen a couple look so content and so exhausted at the same time. Julia and co still have that to look forward to,” he added, indicating the woman sitting with Trina’s parents. Her hand rested on her slightly rounded belly as she talked with Trina’s mother. Every now and then her gaze would stray to the dance floor where her partners, Derek and Scott, were enjoying a spin around the floor. Derek was Trina’s brother, so they’d met the threesome a number of times over the past weeks. They were good people. He and Jeremy looked forward to getting to know them better.

“I’m going to marry you one day.”

Harrison’s gaze snapped back to Jeremy, and he smiled when he saw Jeremy’s smug expression. “Is that so?”

“Yep,” Jeremy replied. “We can do that now, you know. And Aunty Cel will be so happy when I make an honest man out of you.”

Laughing, Harrison cupped Jeremy’s face in his hands. “Will that make me Harrison Hayden?” he asked. “Or you Jeremy Winters?”

Jeremy glanced up thoughtfully for a moment before suggesting, “We could hyphenate. Hayden-Winters.”

“Not Winters-Hayden?” he asked, lifting an eyebrow.

With a shrug, Jeremy pointed out, “My name comes first alphabetically, so I should come first.”

“My love, I shall endeavour to always make you come first.” Harrison deadpanned the words but did nothing to hide the lust in his expression.

Jeremy threw his head back to laugh out loud. “You always did have a generous soul.” Touching his forehead to Harrison’s, he closed his eyes with a sigh of contentment. “I love you.”

“I love you back.” A familiar pressure grew in Harrison’s chest. The one that spread through his limbs until it seemed to expand beyond his body and into the surrounding space. It was an emotion he’d been growing and nurturing these past few months. Not through the rigid following of rules or through demanding perfection in his actions. Instead, he’d tried to find ways to allow the presence of that one emotion to guide his path through life. With the help and support of the people who loved him, he’d learned to recognise it, feel it, and appreciate it. He liked to call it Happy.

Powerful though it was, he didn’t always have access to this newfound happiness. There were still times when darkness managed to overwhelm him, or when his peace of mind was fractured by anxiety. But he understood now, he trusted, that love and happiness were always alive somewhere deep inside, waiting to be rediscovered. And with Jeremy by his side, it didn’t matter how dark the night became, or how hard he had to fight, because he would always find his way back to the sunshine of Jeremy’s smile.

THE END

DEAR READER,

Thank you for reading All the Broken Pieces. I hope you enjoyed it! If you did, please consider spreading the word! You can help other readers find this book by leaving a review, talking about it on social media, or simply telling your fellow readers. Reviews and shares help keep writers doing what they love most—writing! We appreciate every word of support. Thank you!

Love,

Rebecca Raine

__________

LET’S KEEP IN TOUCH!

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ABOUT FINDING GREY (RETURN TO YOU, BOOK 1)

When being seduced by a rock star, only a fool falls in love.

Sean

The night Dante Sinclair lured me into his dressing room and gave me my first kiss, I was oblivious to one important fact: all rock stars are spoiled narcissists. I learned my lesson when our failed attempt at a reunion left me humiliated and heartbroken.

Now, Dante is booked into the music retreat I run. Years have passed, so I know he won’t recognise me. He’ll have no idea the man cooking his meals and washing his clothes is the same skinny boy he kissed so long ago. And when he begins to look at me like I’m his new favourite muse, my anonymity will be my only protection against the sensuality of his charms.

Dante

Grey. It’s the name I gave to the only boy I ever kissed. He is my favourite memory. The place my mind goes when the expectations of rock stardom threaten to choke me. I barely remember what he looked like, but I’ll never forget the way he made me feel.

When I came to this retreat, my goals were simple: get out of my creative rut and write my new album. But one look into Sean’s eyes is enough to threaten the tenuous control I have over my life. He swears we’ve never met, but there’s a Grey-ness to him that inspires me, even as it makes me ache to satisfy the cravings I’ve denied for so long.

He may not be my Grey—but he’s close enough.

Available Now on Amazon

ALSO BY REBECCA RAINE

Standalone

The Harder We Fall (MM)

Experimental Love Series

The Experiment (MM)

Bona Fide Fake (MM)

Return to You Series

Finding Grey (MM)

Becoming Us (MMF)

Finding Forever Series

Our Little Secret (MMF)

Lost in Amber (MF)

This Time Forever (MF)

Everything We Need (MMF)

All the Broken Pieces (MM)

Paranormal Romance

Splinter (MF)

ABOUT REBECCA RAINE

Rebecca is a long-time lover of all things romance. Whether it’s a book, movie, or real-life, she will always have more fun if there’s a love interest thrown into the mix. She lives in Queensland, Australia with her very own hero husband, two quirky kids and one big, black dog. Other than reading and writing books, her favourite things include loud music, enjoying a glass of wine on the patio, organising everything in existence, and spending too much time on the Internet.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

Thank you again to my darling husband, your support means the world to me. And to my beautiful children, I’ll love you forever.

A huge thanks to Georgia Henry and Kathleen for reading the final manuscript.

Syneca Featherstone, thank you for creating another fantastic cover. You amaze me every time.

This one might sound a bit weird, but I also want to thank Harrison (yes, the character) for pestering me into writing this book. He was determined that Jeremy get a happily ever after all his own and wouldn’t leave me alone until I wrote it. I’m so glad I gave in.

And to you, my readers, thank you for purchasing a copy of this book. For those who go the extra distance of leaving a review, I will be forever grateful. Your support allows me to continue writing and, for me, that is the greatest gift I could ever receive.